Jayson Gaddis believes that time outs don’t work for parents who are unwilling to put themselves in an adult time out — which is what’s really needed.
In my opinion, we need a big do-over with the classic “time out.”
First, it’s understandable why some parents use time outs—they kind of work.
Here’s how. If I never do any “inner work” on myself as a parent, then I will have an incredibly narrow tool belt for parenting. I won’t even know it’s possible to do it differently. Time outs become a seemingly good tool because I can find temporary relief from my own discomfort under the guise of “teaching my kid a lesson about his/her inappropriate behavior.” In this sense, time outs work for the parents to avoid their own emotional upset and history that’s being triggered by their child.
Moreover, time outs are often an attempt at a boundary setting using shame. Shame begets more shame and fear in the child and teaches kids to fear their parents and fear punishment. Shame is yet another limited tool in the parental tool-belt. More on that here.
A time out is a parent’s way of saying “I’m not able to tolerate my experience right now (i.e. I’m not okay), so you, child, need to go away for a few minutes so that I can be okay again.” Parents who use and rely on time outs for their kids are unknowingly communicating to their children “I’m not willing or able to take space to work with my own triggers, so I’m punishing you for ‘making’ me feel this way.”
Which is why time outs don’t really work. If during the time out a parent does nothing to work with their own adult triggers in their own adult body, nothing will change. Kids don’t know how to work with their own triggers and a time out isn’t teaching them anything about how to work with their hurt, pain, anger, or upset.
Children can slowly begin to learn “it’s my fault for making my parents upset, there must be something wrong with me.” However, most children are smart enough to see through the hypocrisy here. “Wait, my parents are punishing me because they are upset about what I’m doing and they aren’t doing anything with their upset, except trying to change me. Hmmmm…..”
The do-over–The parental time out
What really needs to happen here is for ME, the parent, to take a time out.
Instead of making my kid wrong for upsetting me, I take a time out for me because that is what’s needed here. I am THE person triggered, so I need to model taking space to honor my triggers so that I can actually work with them. Slowly over time, this models self-love, self-respect, and self-knowledge and teaches my children that it’s not only okay to honor myself by setting a boundary, but it can actually resource me to stay in relationship during conflict and hard times.
Once I take my own “parent time out,” I can now address my child’s behavior from a calm and assertive place and set any appropriate limit that needs to be set.
Parents who take time outs, raise emotionally healthy children who gain facility over time on how to work with their emotional life, thus having more choices over how they behave. The hidden bonus here is that my child keeps giving me an opportunity to grow myself up and heal any old, wounded parts in myself.
Once we learn the parental time out, we also learn that, instead of giving our kids a time out, we can thank them.
photo by Shutterstock
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My wife and I didn’t use “time-out” much at all. I am using it with my grandson though and it works pretty well. Nonetheless I still swatted his hand as he reached for the pot on the stove while I was cooking. The swat was no more then for shock value. His response to my swat was “hot” … I said yeah it is and you can’t touch the stove. He’s a little over two years old. Obviously, any care giver has to keep his/her anger in check. Time out gives the parent a moment to recompose. But the biggest… Read more »
I think the way the language has slipped in this issue – as it always does – enables us to conflate the “time out” with the break we ourselves may need to take to collect ourselves. In the behavioral psychology sense of the term, where it originated, it was shorthand for “time out from positive reinforcement.” It’s based in the rewards/punishments theory of extrinsic motivation and there have been numerous studies showing that attempting to manipulate behavior in such a simplistic fashion often misses the mark. What I think many people refer to as a “time out” is really just a cooling… Read more »
I’m with Jayson. For me, time outs and “punishment so they’ll learn what they are doing wrong” are a form of punishment emerging from a society that has learned, over time, that punitive system “works. Sure it works in creating guilt and shamed induced children who ten grow up perpetrating the same kind of parental teaching they learned themselves when they were children. I propose a sort of restorative outlook vs. a punitive one. The family is a microcosm of society, and as a society we still use punishment and “jail time” as a healing balm. Once again, a restorative… Read more »
Time outs like any tool used for disciplining requires a finesse to avoid shaming. I think it’s quite effective when used properly. One, it must be a time of reflection and to get both parent and child focused on the facts that need to be dealt with. In that, Jason, I fully agree with you. I believe it is a good time for the child to learn how to do his/her own “inner work”. I usually give a time out with the instructions to “think about what just happened and what responsibility you have in it.” From there, we can… Read more »
By the way, just followed the link to your website – I really like it!
I agree that the important thing is that the discipline is clear, consistent, and fair. If used that way, I think time outs do work. Children do misbehave, and if we don’t discipline them and let them get away with it I think they will just get worse. I like using time outs because they’re nonpunitive; the message to the child is, or should be: it’s not okay to do what you just did (shouting, hitting, persistently making a nuisance after being warned). Go over there and calm down. When you have done so, you are welcome to rejoin the… Read more »
We don’t use time-outs. I personally find them to be useless. From my observation, kids run most households. Parents operate in fear of their children, not being willing and able to simply say no and mean it. Then, when the finally get fed up, they may react in anger and frustration. Discipline should never be meted out in uncontrolled anger. And, the child must always know the purpose of the discipline, otherwise, it can’t correct the mis-behavior, bad attitude, or whatever is objectionable. However, no one in my family has ever used time outs, nor do my kids plan to… Read more »
Time outs aren’t necessary in themselves just consistent discipline. How do you discipline your kids if not time-outs?
Denial of privileges mainly, with clear explanations as to the reasons for the punishment, and the path to restoration of those privileges.
I also try my best to inform them in advance what the punishment will be if the break some rule or principle. So, they know clealry what punishment will be meted out if they do something they know to be wrong.
When they were younger, they also got spankings.
This is what the problem is with children nowadays. No one wants to discipline anymore. First spanking is wrong, now time-outs. What are you supposed to do with a misbehaving child? Reasoning with a 4 your old does not work. I’ve tried it. Their brains haven’t fully developed yet. They need concrete consequences for their actions. Yes, a parent does need time to cool down so they don’t resort to yelling and screaming or worse, but at the same time the child needs some form of punishment so they can learn that what they are doing is wrong. Btw giving… Read more »
Well, that may be the problem there. Why do you think they “need some form of punishment” to learn what they’re doing wrong?
But you’re right – children don’t develop the capacity to reason until around the age of 7 give or take a year. What you do before that age needs to be more intentional, and you need to think about what your goal is and whether or not the action you take is likely to achieve that goal.
Not a parent, but I spent a lot of years as a nanny, and I used to give myself time outs all the time. Especially if emotions were high with all of us – me and two kids – we all got 15 minutes to cool down, then after we talked about what happened and why it was upsetting to whomever. Much easier for me to suss out what was going on with the kiddos when I wasn’t angry or frustrated with the situation.
Hannah!!!!
Yup yup. Ball park, hit it out of.
I agree that getting yourself under control is a necessary goal for parents. I disagree that an adult being “out of control” is the reason for most time outs. Sometimes children do behave in ways that are not acceptable–hitting, lying, calling names, etc. There is a place for appropriate (not toxic) shame. It’s part of empathy and understanding that your behavior impacts others. It is a parent;s job to prepare their child for life. Guiding their behavior in a healthy, calm manner is part of that job. This means introducing them to natural and logical consequences. I don’t really want… Read more »