Wondering why nice guys seem to be friend-zoned vs bed-zoned? Here’s why it happens.
Is it that women don’t really want the nice guys? Nope.
It’s not that women don’t want a nice person, it’s that they don’t want what someone playing the nice guy has to offer.
When a man is too nice, too kind or too giving, women sense bullshit. No one is nice all of the time except for pleasers, over-givers, and Mr. Nice guys. Women want authentic.
If a man falls into any of these categories, at first he might seem wonderful, but below the surface on some level he’s a liar, ultimately because he’s lying to himself.
Let’s start with Mr. Nice Guy. Women don’t want assholes, but they do want real.
A Mr. Nice Guy is too willing to compromise and never pushes back. He’ll bend over backward for his woman while stepping on his own self-respect. It’s simply not authentic. Self respect breeds respect.
When a man has no boundaries and gives seemingly endlessly, there’s no boundary or container present.
By container, I mean an authentic edge to experience and actually feel the other ie: boundary. Being with a Mr. Nice Guy becomes boring because it’s not real and it’s not sustainable.
Dating a Mr. Nice Guy is stagnant. It’s like dating yourself. There’s nothing to push up against and feel, much like dancing alone with no lead.
Women don’t want jerks, but they do want some backbone. If a man is constantly agreeable- and let’s face it- NO ONE is authentically agreeable all of the time, somebody’s not being honest.
Which leads us to Pleasers. Pleasers don’t express their moods or their real opinions because they’re so focused outside of themselves while desperately seeking approval.
Pleasers become out of touch with what they really want and need because they’re not tapped into who they really are or what they really feel.
Here’s where the deception ultimately resides: pleasers lie to themselves.
Pleasers tend to be so scared of losing who they want, they set their own needs aside and deny what they feel in order to, well… please.
At first it’s hard to decipher, but when we’re is in a relationship with a pleaser or overly nice guy, eventually the truth behind their actions is revealed- he’s scared and he’s needy.
Needy men give to get back versus giving from a place of truth inside their hearts.
It’s one thing to compromise within a relationship and want to make your partner happy, but it’s quite another to sacrifice your own needs. Needy men have no needs, except for the woman in front of them- you!
What first appears to be adoration and romance, soon becomes suffocating. With needy men, there’s a lack of groundedness that’s palatable because needy men aren’t truly embodied. They live outside themselves and try to enmesh with the other.
When anyone comes into a relationship needy, they’re trying to fill a void that can only truly be filled from within. When a man comes into a relationship trying to fill a void, it can often be unresolved mother issues. (same goes for women with daddy issues)
When a woman feels she’s being put in the position of fixing or filling mother issues, her sexual attraction meter goes to zero.
Healthy women want to grow. We want to stretch. When we’re with Mr Nice Guy or Mr. Pleaser, we feel selfish because there’s no healthy way to match their over giving. We eventually feel stagnant because there’s no one to grow along with in life. Suddenly we feel like the male and the female in the relationship because we’re calling all of the shots all of the time.
When we’re directing every aspect of our movie together, soon the pressure shuts us down.
Wondering what needy men, Mr. Nice Guys, and pleasers all have in common?
They are all over-givers.
Over-givers are ultimately selfish. On the surface, they may appear to be easy going and kind, but there’s a dark agenda often hidden from even themselves. There tends to be an empty hole deep inside that was never tended to, healed, or self-sourced.
While it’s one thing to compromise and prioritize the relationship, it’s quite another to over do all of that.
As much as men don’t want a drama queen or someone who can’t take care of herself; women want a fully embodied man who has done the work on himself and is able to fill those empty holes on the inside, by himself.
When a man learns to express who he really is, while tending to his own needs and having an opinion and life of his own, that’s when we’re attracted to them.
Men (like women) who are wounded early on in life tend to want to please in order to receive love. They don’t know their own self-worth and instead identify through the relationship.
Children who were neglected emotionally often grow up learning to manipulate the other for attention and love versus having healthy self-esteem and self-love. Over giving, pleasing, and playing nice for love are all examples of this manipulation.
Learning to self-resource his own needs allows us to partner together as self-resourced healthy adults.
Standing there with an empty bucket and hoping to fill it through the relationship – does not.
It’s not that women don’t want the nice guy, it’s that they want an authentic guy.
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