Tom Matlack wonders why men are always defined by what they do, instead of who they are, or better yet, what they love.
A mom, who my wife and I have become very fond of, cornered me recently. Her kids were playing with mine and we all were laughing, having spent plenty of summer evenings doing roughly the same thing, i.e. watching a herd of neighborhood kids having a blast together for no other reason than it is summer.
“Really, Tom,” she asked with a pensive look in her dark eyes like she was about to ask me some deep philosophical question. Now this particular friend is from Jersey and has had a brush with a life-threatening disease, so she has both a “take no prisoners” and a “let’s laugh at life” attitude that is infectious. Her getting serious all of a sudden really caught my attention.
“What do you do?” The tone of voice was like the question had been bothering her for a long time, the modern day equivalent to the search for the Holly Grail. I mean I show up at kid events during the day on weekdays dominated by moms. I sometimes take what apparently seem to be urgent phone calls, moving to the few locations where I can get cell signal. Strangers sometimes talk about reading me online.
I realized that I had presented quite a riddle to my friend. But still the question left me thinking much more deeply about the meaning of manhood and the doing.
***
This idea that manhood is defined not by who you are but what you do goes to the very core of the male dilemma, or at least this man. I have always felt there was this cosmic pecking order of masculinity and the question, “What do you do?” reduces it to its essential elements. Here would be what I imagine to be the list of potential responses in reverse order of machismo (if the conversation occurred in a bar and I was single instead of happily married the significance would only be magnified by a factor of a thousand):
10) “I am really not sure, I ask myself that question pretty much every day” (which is what I actually said)
9) I stay home with the kids, do laundry, and cook dinner for my kickass wife
8) I’m unemployed
7) Trash man
6) Construction worker
5) Teacher
4) “I Manage Money”
3) Noble Prize winning Doctor
2) U.S. President
1) I started a $100 billion Internet Company
I’m not a Marxist but one thing I think the guy got right was that propaganda can be an extremely powerful tool in warping people’s minds. And the thing that I see most frequently among my male friends is this struggle to balance their own intuitive sense of themselves against this external pressure to be and do something deemed worthwhile by the world at large: the what vs. who you are problem. Amidst this giant treadmill to answer the question of “what do you do?” is the thirst for money, power, and prestige obliterates the more subtle issues of every day life and male happiness.
If anyone but a friend who I am very fond of had asked me that question I might very well have responded, “Who the fuck cares what I do? The real question is am I happy? Who do I love and how do I express that love? What are the things in my life that inspire me?”
***
As it was, I first said I had no idea what I do and then proceeded to tell my friend my life story. I talked about my wife and kids and how much it means to me to be a good husband and father first and foremost in my life. Then I talked about riding my bike up huge mountains with my male friends even though at 50 years old and 200 pounds we are never going to make it to the Tour de France. I told her about GMP and about work I am doing in Mexico with a microfinance company, a hotel video provider, a couple of game companies, and a bunch of other crazy entrepreneurial ventures I have cooking.
In the end I am not sure she had any clearer idea of what I do day-to-day since my manhood doesn’t amend itself to a pre-determined shape to fit into a societal hole. But she did have a much better sense of who I am and what I care about, what lights me up, and what makes me as a man tick.
***
My suggestion is that we replace the obnoxious and demeaning question of “What do you do?” as somehow defining of maleness into “What do you love?” The pecking order would disappear. With inspiration, beauty is in the eye of the beholder. And instead of repeating again and again the shadows of manhood we’d get down to the real thing, unique to each of us and without shame.
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I totally agree, women HATE this question too. This is a lady version of your list.
10) “I Manage Money”
9) Lawyer
8) Scientist
7) Unemployed
6) Cleaning lady
5) Waitress
4) PR Girl
3) Model
2) Nurse
1) Kindergarten teacher
“What do you do?” is simply a question, a collection of words. You are free to interpret and make that mean whatever you wish. The “PROBLEM” here is not the question, but rather the interpretation and thus the inclination to not take responsibility for your own interpretation. There are many reasons why someone would ask that question, and as the person receiving it, you are not exactly 100% sure of the asker’s intentions. In my opinion, your readers would be better served by framing this substantially important issue along the lines of: “Don’t be led down the unrewarding path of… Read more »
Hello Tom,
I have have got to know Elena and after reading your article I feel I know you a bit.
It rings true for me, who also dislikes the ?’s where do you live and what does your
father do for a living. It is not how you make your living that defines you it is how you
spend your free time that tells another the story of who one is. Thank you for writing
this article.
Lori-Ann Hogg
This is my second response for some reason my first did not post.
ps I am in the picture 🙂
Once upon a time, in many cultures, the answer was not the question, “what do you love” but was something along the lines of “Jesus loves you” and that was a period. Regardless. Don’t most religions start with that basic, inherent, equal, stand-alone value? The humanist values which underlie our democracy ditto. Doctor, lawyer, stay at home mom, indian chief. One vote, you count for one and you count because you count. But isn’t it fading? (It’s 3am and the dog stole my place in bed so I might be a bit dark here.) Aren’t we getting trapped in ranking… Read more »
“I’m a doctor, I cure people of feminism”
My husband stayed home for 6.5 years taking care of our kids while I worked as program manager. It was a perfect arrangement for us, and given that we’re in the 21st century I was SHOCKED that people made snide comments to my husband about me being his “sugar mama.” Ugh. He’s in school now to become an elementary school teacher and works part time as a teacher’s assistant in our kids’ school. Anyway, I do a lot. I wrote a book that was published in April, am working on two more books and marketing the first with my publisher.… Read more »
Most of the time I’d rather listen to people talk about their jobs than their kids. Their jobs are usually more interesting. People’s jobs are often really varied and different, whereas most people’s kids are doing more or less the same stuff. He plays this sport, does this insteument, he’s SO SMART, he’s doing so well in school, yadda yadda yadda… Heard it a million times. I know that sounds snarky but it’s true….
Is this more commonly asked of men than women in the US? I haven’t noticed it being over here. For me the question “What are you doing these days” ranks with “Terrible/great/ambivalent weather, isn’t it?” as a simple question anyone can answer and everyone will have an opinion on. I do agree that men are sometimes defined by their job way too much (both by themselves and others) but this questions isn’t necessarily one of them.
BTW, I love the picture of the children in a social setting accompanying this article. What do you do? I eat hot dogs on the beach in the summer!
Yeah, I was looking at that picture and thinking” How wonderful it was back then to be able to just enjoy life!” No one judgeing you for ‘What you do’.
This is a notion I have been butting heads with in earnest ever since I lost my job last October. Being forced by circumstance to answer that question for myself has been a real struggle. I am unlearning a lot of conditioning (both societal and self-imposed) in my search for who I am and what I love. I surprised myself at a dinner party not long ago, one hosted by one of my girlfriend’s colleagues (my girlfriend is a partner in a law firm), when the inevitable question came up from one of the other guests: “And what do you… Read more »
Exactly Kevin. Awesome comment. You said what I feel a lot better than I did. Just keep going bro.
And when a woman is asked what she does it is an assault on her spouse- a regular mine field….
Oh, that sounds like a job that pays bills- guess he doesn’t provide.
Oh, that sounds like a hobby- guess he is doing well.
Oh, is he a Neanderthal that won’t allow her to work?
Oh, she stays at home I certainly hope he drags his ass out of bed at the crack of dawn Saturday morning to make up for his missed chores.
Oops, sorry he/she.
“Tom Matlack wonders why men are always defined by what they do, instead of who they are, or better yet, what they love.” This one’s easy: because only women have inherent value, not men. Men have always been judged by their utility to women (and society more generally), whereas women have always had inherent value due to the obvious reproductive limitations of our species. For millenia, who a man loved or who he was was simply not as important as what he could do—and human cultures reinforced this particularly nasty bit of misandry to ensure their own survival. Times have… Read more »
I agree the subtext is always “How are you proving your worth to society”. It might even be considered a form of gender policing.
Quite. But I must emphasize a deeper truth: that the current regime remains in place because the core beneficiaries are women, as a demographic.
This site, and its authors, seemed determined to avoid addressing this basic reality underlying it all. Which is sad, because the first step to effecting change is to understand the incentives and beneficiaries of the current regime.
Then why am I asked this question all the time? I agree that men are often defined by their jobs, but the question itself is not “gender policing” if women get the same question.
I wouldn’t say women want it that way. Old-fashioned people want it that way, and they come in both genders. Feminism is all about fighting to not have it that way. We want to be valued by what we choose to do rather than by our bodies’ reproductive parts. I’ve had conversations with other career-focused women about how nice it’d be to find a man willing to be a stay-at-home dad. Male reproductive ability it just as essential as the female – it takes two to tango, and two to raise a child without being over-busy and/or broke. So, when… Read more »
“What do you love?” Never happen. …other than in some backwoods Oregon commune (and I’m FROM Oregon!). After 30 years of being asked this question, oftimes by those who’ve been close to me, and given that the work that I do is Eminently Un-niche-able, I have a short list of responses that open conversation… The real exploration is whether there is a way to “train” communities to learn about individuals from another point of view…our sad, common denominator of “what do you do?” is, I think, simply a lame, colloquially-originated first-step that has become heavily-weighted with subtext. Perhaps even a… Read more »
Starting a conversation with “Who are you?” could be useful, as it would tell me that the person asking is either a pretentious ass or a Babylon5 fan. And unless you’re dressed in a full Vorlon environmental suit, I’d probably assume the former.
What it comes down to is that many still “expect” men to play a particular role and the same expectations are not applied to women. And to be more accurate, better not apply them to women. Truth is if you have a couple (no kids) and he works and she doesn’t, it’s okay because she’s made a choice. In reverse, she works and he doesn’t, he’s a lazy jerk. Take another couple with kids. He works, she doesn’t … no questions asked. She works and he doesn’t … why isn’t he working, can’t find a job, been laid off? OR… Read more »
Damn right. Men feel that pressure to be the producer and deliver the bacon and it shapes our choices in college, career, and lifestyle.
Few people question a woman who aspires to stay home and take care of the kids, though we might privately or openly think it sounds a bit ‘retro’. But – anecdotally – I know *lots* of couples for which this is the case. I do not know a single one with a full time stay at home dad. (social circle: large NE USA city and suburbs, middle class educated professionals).
Well there are plenty of stay at home dads, and moms for that matter. The issue is really that both stay at home moms and dads are a lot more than that. If asked I would say that I am a dad first. I don’t have an office outside my house. But the question implies that is all that I am. I agree with you that the assumption puts a particular pressure on men. Which is why I hate the question.
I guess in the context of this article, it is about stay at home dads. Nonetheless though, throughout the years where my kids were growing up and my wife was at home and I was the wage earner, I am proud to say that I would say back then when asked ..”I am a dad first” as well. This is something that I hope, as men expand their understanding of themselves as father, will never lose sight of as wage earners. The old house we have, has an open staircase where I have a family photos gallery wall of the… Read more »
Agreed, there are far more dimensions to a person than their job or their stay-at-home-parent status.
Another thought on this — making conversation is difficult for a lot of people. I don’t really like talking about myself and I don’t like questions that are too personal or that force me to elaborate about my life, interests, family or whatever. I find it stressful when someone asks me too many personal questions in a social setting. I remembe chatting with a woman at a cocktail party at a business conference and one of the first things she said to me was, “what are the three most important things in your life?” in a very chipper voice. The… Read more »
Sarah, while it’s true that this question is asked much more frequently to women(With most women now working full time, it makes sence). It’s not ment in the same tone as it’s asked of men. Most of the time, with women, it is ment as ‘small talk’. Example, You could answer the above question with” I’m a senior partner with a ‘white shoe’ law firm.” and that would impress people for sure. However, you could answer” I’m a ‘stay at home mom who volenteers at the local hospital and vice president of the P.T.A. at my child’s school” and THAT… Read more »
I get asked “what do you do” all the time. I don’t think that it’s a gendered question. “Do you have kids?” is a question that women always ask me, which annoys me because I don’t have kids and when I say “no” the conversation always grinds to an awkward halt. I’d rather be asked about work.
The truth is, there are only a limited number of questions that you can politely ask a stranger or casual acquaintance without being intrusive.
Men Build.
Whether its things, families, business, futures, careers, knowledge…. Men Build.
If you don’t build,,,, sorry to say it, but you are just a guy.
Men Build
YOU don’t define MY masculinity, thank you very much. Or femininity, for that matter.
Not speaking on fem. or masc…. Speaking about Men – as people who create today for tomorrow’s betterment.
Feminine Men build, Masculine Build.
One of the most feminine men I knew was a damn good teacher and parent. Many people are better of because of his influence. He built.
I hate the question myself. I am unemployed and have been for quite a few years due to illness, I hate having to explain why and hate the feeling of being seen as worthless. In Australia many view people that don’t work as lazy, pathetic, “leeches to my tax money”, etc. It’s a terrible feeling to be sick n unable to work and the question itself helped make me nervous to go out in public n meet people. It definitely makes me avoid asking women out, I doubt many would truly understand and still be attracted so I avoid the… Read more »
Hey Archy I hope you continue to heal. And remember what you love is more important than what you do.
Thank-you.
When I ask “What do you do?” I am genuinely interested in how someone is spending their life. Given that for most people, a third or more of it is spent working, I’m not surprised nor disappointed when they tell me what sort of work they do. Especially if they seem enthusiastic and appear to truly enjoy their vocation. What I dislike is people who answer “I own my own business” (which really translates to “Who cares what I actually do – I think I’m important and successful and want you to respect me for that reason”) and sometimes it… Read more »
Great article Tom. I have a friend who is an emergency room doctor and volunteers with Doctors without Borders. When asked, he says that he does “shift work” to not illicit any thoughts or preconceived impressions. He is humble to a fault. I “do” many things and I find myself changing the role according to who I am talking to. Healer? Writer? Hula hoop teacher? What will sound either most impressive or least threatening? More importantly, when I ask the question to men or women, I ask them, “what inspires you?” or “what gets you out of bed in the… Read more »
Thanks for these great thoughts Elana. Honestly this comes up for me a lot because I have been successful in business (and had to work a lot harder in my personal life) so I hate that somehow my answer is going to put me on some scale in the the other person’s mind, specially when it comes to money. So for a long time I pretty much lied about my past success not out of humility but more out of a desire to connect and not create artificial distance. These days my give-a-shitter is pretty broken so I will tell… Read more »
Tom, kudos for you for realizing the success is not only material but also interpersonal. We can all work hard and make a lot of money. Its not that hard. It is one’s ability to maintain and foster relationships that’s true success.
It’s pretty intense to declare the question an “attack on manhood” though I get where you’re coming from. It really is one of the standard “sizing up” questions that people ask, often rather aggressively. Another man at a networking event might ask it to determine, is this guy a heavy hitter and worth talking to? A woman at a social event might ask it to determine, is this guy worth my time to assess as a potential boyfriend? I have begun asking the question “What kind of projects have you been working on lately?” It tends to throw some people… Read more »
A couple more thoughts (just a couple!) — First: I think we owe it to ourselves to come up with several more interesting responses, too, and not just flippantly reply. When someone asks, what do you do? You can respond: I’m a sister, I’m an aunt. I’m a swimmer. I’m a writer. I’m a designer. I go running. I’m build projects. The way you tell your story can bring into it a lot of layers without saying; “I work for this and this…” Sometimes, for clarity, I follow up with — “Oh, so you want to know who PAYS me?… Read more »
Sarah right behind “What Do You Do?” is the question I get most often at parties which is, “Why don’t you drink?” That usually is followed by an examination of whether I drink, ever, and if not how long this insanity has been going on. When I tell them 15 years they really want to know what tragedy I went through to put down the beer. And most often it’s another drunk, an active one, who notices who isn’t drinking. Normal people don’t care.
I get the “Why don’t you drink? ” question quite a bit myself and I don’t understand why it is even asked. I stopped drinking when I got pregnant for the first time, another kid later and I still don’t drink. I have no desire to have a drink and I don’t want to wake up a crabby bitch the next morning and be a jerk to my kids because I feel like crap. Most people say ignorant things like “Your kids aren’t here now!”, “Just have a good time, loosen up”. IMO, if you have to have a drink… Read more »
I love the topic of this question, but I don’t think that it’s necessarily a bad question. Let’s look at the heart of why we ask it, and also, where it comes from. First, we ask the question because we want some way to find out – to hear – the stories of other people. We want to connect with other people and find common shared experiences that tell us whether or not we can understand them, become friends with them, get along with them, etc. Second, the reason that we predominantly ask the question “What do you do?” —… Read more »
I guess my first response would have been “I’m in the witness protection program, and if I elaborate further, I will have to move.”
I guess man’s collective identity is his occupation. Of course in the olden days, if your name was Schneider or Taylor, people knew what you do. Why do we place so much value on that today?
Would your saying you are unemployed make a difference? Should it? Lots to ponder here.
Andy I already knew you were in the Witness Protection Program. But now I guess the whole world knows too. Don’t tell anybody but I am too.