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Cheating is a dirty word. And a fact of life that many couples go through. It’s a painful human experience that can be traumatic for some. Cheating usually happens when a person is not satisfied with their relationship or perhaps they feel there’s something missing.
Whatever the reason, I can’t say that I accept the behavior of cheaters. Especially since it’s a sore point, having experienced a partner who has cheated. Since then I’ve interviewed 100s of women to find out why they cheat on their partners?
“Cheating on someone you love is like throwing away a diamond and replacing it with a rock.”
My research began after my boyfriend cheated on me. The person I loved connected with another woman whilst I was studying. When I found out, all trust was lost. His reason was: “It was just a flirtation that went too far.” He slept with my best friend. They shared common ground: me. Their affair died as soon as I left the equation. It left me wondering if I could have done more with both of my relationships. And after six months had passed, I realized I was much better off without them.
On the flipside, women cheat mostly because they’re missing the emotional connection with their partners and feel lonely. They experience the lack of communication, passion, and even old fashioned intimacy such as holding hands.
After collating data from women to find out what went wrong with their relationships, I’ve compiled the common reasons why women cheat. This list includes solutions to help you save your relationship and get you back on track:
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#1 Emotional Connection
Many women who cheat complain they have little to no emotional connection with their man. This may be due to him being exhausted from work or having too much on. He may be working so hard, he’s done talking for the night.
The Solution: Date Night
Take your woman on a date every week. It’s pretty simple. Take her to dinner, make her dinner or go see a movie together. You don’t have to talk when you’re looking lovingly into each others’ eyes. Wrap your arms around her at the movies or hold her hands. A little affection and romance goes a long way. If she’s not affectionate, then show her by spending quality time with her doing something she enjoys.
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#2 Feeling Appreciated
When you’re busy at work, or out socializing, you can expect she will get tired of waiting to spend time with you. Leave her solo and you’re giving her permission – and perhaps a reason – to cheat.
The Solution: Be there
Make time for her, even if it’s a 10-minute phone conversation to make future plans. When you let her know you care, it helps bond the emotional connection between the two of you.
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#3 She’s Received a Promotion
Women like to have projects and goals. When she’s reached a milestone in her career, she may start to question what to do next. Usually, she will look closely at her relationship. This is where most guys make the mistake of not making a point to celebrate their partner’s accomplishments.
The Plan: Boast about her promotion
When she sees that you’re proud, she will feel valued by you as she does at work. This means she will not look for emotional connection elsewhere.
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#4 She’s moving in with you
It may have been her idea, but now that you’re together you think you don’t have to keep the conversation flowing all the time. Most women may subconsciously interpret your silence as you think she’s boring. It can open the door for someone else to find her attractive and intriguing. There may be the slightest notion that the next step is an engagement or marriage. This is common for women to believe there is a future with her man.
The Solution: Make your future plans clear
Talk about living together as a starting point. Make sure you talk about her in your future. Be honest about what the future looks like for the both of you.
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#5 She thinks you’ve cheated
Revenge affairs are common. Women have them in an attempt to restore self-esteem and feel desirable again. She may not want to cheat but the fact that you’ve done it may weaken her self-control.
The Solution: If you’re cheating or have cheated before, confess and apologize. Be a man of action and admit fault by taking action right now. A survey conducted by Peggy Vaughan, author of The Monogamy Myth, shows that 86 percent of couples who discussed one partner’s affairs are still married, compared with 59 percent of couples who barely talk about it.
And if you’re not cheating, your woman has low self-esteem. If that’s the case it’s better to compliment her sincerely and do this often. When you build her confidence she will stop being vulnerable to suspicions. Be mindful that some women may have trust issues because they’ve witnessed their parents being cheated on.
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#6 She’s Not Getting Enough Intimacy
The hormone Oxytocin plays a central role in our urge to bond. It spikes three to five times higher than usual just before an orgasm. The hormone is more intense in females than in males, so women develop a stronger sense of bonding through sex.
If you’re not having as much sex as you used to, she may interpret this as a sign you don’t find her attractive or love her. Again this may make her find someone else outside the relationship to validate she’s sexually attractive.
The Solution: Have more sex
If she’s the one who doesn’t want sex, investigate why. Work on a solution to fix this together. Then make it your goal to bond with her. Sometimes going back to basics such as dating helps.
Every time my grandparents would go through a rough patch, my Granddad would ask my Grandmother out on a date. He would leave the house when she was getting ready. An hour later he would knock on the front door with a bunch of flowers. She would tell him he was a silly man, but secretly we all knew she loved it. It made her feel appreciated. They would go out for a nice meal and after dinner would go for a stroll, where he would make her laugh. The end result was that they had a long, healthy and happy marriage together.
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#7 She’s Ready to Run
The last reason a woman might cheat: She wants to end things with you. It may be on purpose as an easy way out, especially if the relationship is bad.
The Solution: Let her go
In this case it’s better to let go and move forward. It may feel bad but it’s better to be free. Be a man of action and align yourself with your values. Make a list of the traits you’d like in a partner and then aim for these.
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In last week’s post, How I Learned One Important Life Lesson from My Two Dads, I mentioned that my step dad left. What I didn’t mention is he left because he had an affair. Mum realized she had to let him go. There was no way she could manage a separation with two small children in a foreign country without support. So she packed our bags and we headed to Australia to live with her sister.
No matter what reason your woman cheats, if you’re questioning whether this person is the one or your values are not the same, then it probably won’t work out. At some point you’ll ask yourself:
“What part did I play in this?”
Intimacy and emotional connection are not always about sex. It’s the non-physical connections and mutual emotional support you give each other. And if you’ve discovered she’s been unfaithful, do you really want her back?
In order to repair the relationship, you will have to understand and be prepared to analyze why she did it. Ask yourself if this is just a mistake or were you stingy with emotional support? Sometimes part of the problem is hidden deep within ourselves. It takes a lot of strength and patience to see beyond the initial betrayal.
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What advice will you take from this article? Do you have any tips that have helped your relationship? I’d love to read your comments below. All comments are most welcome.
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Photo credit: Pixabay
It’s not the mans fault that the woman cheats, it’s also not the woman’s fault if the man cheats. Read up about Attachment theory and you will learn how romantic attachments relate to cheating. The person who cheats is 100% responsible for the action. If the partner is constantly having to do things to stop their partner from cheating, then they are not in a relationship but a power play.
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So a question for all the love or leave people there…. which is the better choice. To remain in a loveless and disconnected partnership with a partner who is either unable or unwilling to work on your relationship…. or to utterly destroy and scar your partner, your kids and your family unit for life by leaving the relationship?
I personally think..that..if like this situation ever comes in life.Then without considering anything.you have to look & think much about your kids..cause they are the one who will get affected because of our not happening relationship with our partner..yes we do have a personal life..our personal need to get loved and cared.But we need to take the decision thinking in both ways.
So do you advocate destroying your family unit and causing life long scars that will never fully heal? Or do you suffer in silence your entire life in a relationship that will never be loving or supportive? I ask this because this is often the choices I get asked about as a therapist. Both men and woman are in these kinds of scenarios every day. And every day they face the third choice – cheating- and each time they face it it become’s harder and harder to resist. These people aren’t bad people, they are good people in bad circumstances.… Read more »
These are excuses, not reasons. I’m quite capable of taking responsibility for my actions as a woman, without trying to reframe them as reactions to my partner. If a woman cheats, it’s because she’s decided that immediate gratification is more important than her commitment to her partner, and more important than the risk of hurting her partner. Either she doesn’t care much, or she has terrible impulse control. Whichever it is, it shouldn’t be up to the person who was betrayed to fix the issue, it should be on the woman to get her life in order and stop being… Read more »
Yasmin I totally agree about your statement if a person wants to cheat it’s better to “tell your partner you want an open relationship.” It’s all about being 100% responsible for your own actions.
Perfect reply, thank you!
You are right on it with your answer.
By Jove, common sense on the internet!
And in a comment section no less!
Bravo!
I can’t remember the context whether it was a movie or a trend of the month, but I remember a while back the fantasy cheat list. Sometimes it was one person and sometimes it was a set number like 10. It was a list of people each partner was giving the other permission to cheat with. The idea was this. Everyone has fantasies so instead of trying to suppress them, you bring them out in the open and share them with your partner. It would be ridiculous to think that I would accidentally stumble across Kate Upton and have a… Read more »
John – very interesting comment. Thanks so much for sharing.
I think there are actually a few issues when talking about someone who cheats. There are the problems in the relationship and I won’t dispute your analysis, but I think the deeper issue are the character flaws of the cheater. I have no issue with trying to be proactive, but there is something to be said about a partner who has issues in a relationship, but doesn’t bring them up for you to work on. To some extent it indicates that this person is unwilling to put effort into the relationship. Cheating also has too components. The fact that your… Read more »
Carla, Thanks for the article. These are important topics in today’s world. I’ve been counseling men, and the women who love them, for more than 40 years. One of the things I’ve found is that its easy to begin the slide from “we’re just friends or work colleagues” to something more intimate that moves into betrayal. We are spending more time in work situations where men and women are close together. We often think that something would have to be wrong with the primary relationship before a betrayal could happen. I’ve found that “thinking it can’t happen to me,” is… Read more »
Jed you have an interesting opinion. Whether you’re spending most of your time in your career or not – it’s still necessary to spend time on your relationship, as a commitment to self and to your partner. This is something I think many people forget, in an age where ‘instant gratification’ is warranted through digital technology and self obsession. My grandparents were married for over 60 years – until their deaths. They worked at their relationship, especially through the tough times. It was a commitment in the eyes of God – to honour each other. They both admitted relationships are… Read more »
Caria, My wife, Carlin, and I have been married for 37 years and we’re more deeply in love than we were when we first met. That’s because we really know ourselves better and with that we also know each other and have come through the difficult changes we all experience. I share what we’ve learned in my latest book (#14), The Enlightened Marriage: The 5 Transformative Stages of Relationships and Why the Best is Still to Come.
Sorry to say this Caria but your article is oddly self serving somewht one demensionl – my words. What ever happen to commitment, and a values based relationship. I know I must sound old fashion but some your solutions just seem less than reasonable. I’ll read again, maybe I missed something.
DElcock I agree that relationships require commitment which means at some point during these tough times they require compassion and work.