Here’s a way to make intimate experiences more real and fulfilling by never having to “fake it” again…
– – –
The fact that most women fake orgasm is hardly a big secret. Yet what makes this so interesting is that most men already know this (at some level) but pretend that their gal is not doing it to them. When we explore the forces at work here, behind the “why” of this state of mutually acceptable deception in the bedroom, it can lead to much more powerful and genuine intimate experiences. As it turns out, being truly authentic with each other can be the sexiest thing you and your partner can do in and out of the bedroom.
Women Have Performance Anxiety Too
As it turns out, women have just as much, if not more, sexual performance anxiety than men. In general, women instinctively understand that men are driven to pleasing them and look for any cues that they are successful in that regard. This drive is very ancient and is a result of millions of years of reproductive imperative. If he can please his woman like no other, she will stay with him and bear his progeny. Likewise, if a woman can respond to her man’s advances with shudders of ecstasy and moans of undulating pleasure, he is likely to stick around and take care of her and the kids. It is how most of us are wired primarily for propagation and survival of the species.
These forces are very powerful and can cause us to act in very strange ways when the primary purpose of intimacy is to deeply connect with each other, rather than just having children. Add on top of this the fact that men and women tend to have very different sexual response profiles and you end up with a lot of moaning that is more for show than a genuine reaction to the man’s moves.
Many, if not most, women have this almost visceral fear that they will disappoint their man if they don’t react to him in the way they think he wants. This can cause a great deal of performance anxiety in women which only makes it more difficult to genuinely feel what they’ve become so good at faking.
During a recent interview I asked the 30 year old female radio host what would happen if she told her significant other what she *really* wanted in the bedroom. She at first hesitated and then confessed that the thought of that put her right back into the “cave” (as in caveman era) and said she would be terrified that he would leave her. And what is so interesting about her response is that she happened to be a relationship coach.
Vulnerability and Authenticity are the New Sexy
She’s faking it and he’s pretending to buy it. This is a sad charade carried on by countless couples that will almost always lead to eventual disappointment and frustration within their relationship and perhaps even the end of it.
The way out of this starts with both parties risking being fully vulnerable and authentic with each other. Women need to take the lead in the bedroom in terms of sharing with their man what they really like and don’t like as well as when they are ready and when they are not. Men are not mind readers, and if you position it compassionately, they will listen because most men truly want to please you – this is a deep, visceral need hard-wired into us. And I suspect that for most conscious men, that need is far greater than the need to just “get off”. When a man knows that his woman is authentically responding to him, there is simply nothing more exciting or sexy than that.
But this approach means accepting the risk that comes with being authentic and vulnerable. And it also means truly listening to and being fully present for our partner. Even if it means she is not currently “in the mood” and respecting that by not taking it personally.
I am very fortunate in that I have a female partner who does not hesitate to tell me what she is really feeling, what she wants and how she wants it. I’ve learned to become very coachable and just flow with her lead. As a result our intimate times together are like this wonderful, dreamlike dance that just goes on for hours and hours where we allow our intuition to guide us to places and experiences we never knew were even possible.
Give Her Permission to Be Real
I think one of the most powerful things a man can do for his woman is to give her the space to be completely real and authentic with him. In my case I was helped in this regard thanks to my impotence. This had the effect of making me very coachable and present for her. The alternative (i.e. depression, anger, frustration) just wasn’t an option for me. Nor should knowing she’s faking it be an acceptable option for any man who cares deeply for his partner.
Over the years I have learned that woman are the fountainhead of essentially unlimited sensuality. It is incumbent upon us guys to give them the safe space to feel fully authentic about what works for them to realize their full potential. And when we do, the resulting levels of intimacy are likely to exceed anything you and your partner ever imagined.
– – –