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Love hurts.
Love stinks.
Love sucks.
…No, it doesn’t.
Being betrayed, cheated on, lied to, broken up with, thinking someone is different than they are – those things all suck. Love, does not.
Our generation has a considerably difficult time finding love. As I have discussed before, instant gratification and a culture that is seemingly valuing monogamy less and less is making many of us question if there really are any good people left who want the same things we do. It tends to be that effort put into a relationship ends up being one-sided, and those on the giving end repeatedly seem to associate the disappointment with the emotion of love itself.
Heartache is natural. Failed relationships are natural. And often times, associating the pain of heartbreak with relationships themselves, is also natural. But this is to fall into the trap of just assuming that putting yourself out there will always eventually mean getting hurt. And, sadly, this is very often true.
So then, what is the point? If a relationship is just going to end and cause you pain, why enter into it in the first place? Would it not be smarter to stay closed off and eliminate all risk?
Consider for a moment going to see a movie, hearing a symphony, reading a book, or enjoying a nice dinner. We enter into all of these experiences with the clear knowledge that they have an end – yet we still crave them. Why?
Because they bring beauty to our lives. They open our minds and our hearts and add another layer to us as human beings. To refuse the experience because it will eventually end is to rob yourself of all of the good that it brings.
The same goes for relationships. To build walls around our hearts is to, possibly, keep out pain. But it will also very likely keep out happiness. When we make our best attempts to protect ourselves from people who may hurt us we also fail to let them get far enough to determine if they may actually make us happy.
We need to experience this heartbreak because it opens our eyes to what we do and don’t want in a future partner. We need to allow ourselves to be (somewhat) emotionally vulnerable because that is how we form a bond with someone. A connection that cannot be forged through a wall of armor. It is a risk, but without it, there is no reward.
Love is one of the strongest driving forces for humanity. We pursue it and crave it from family, friends, and significant others. It is what attaches us to other humans on the deepest level. This is not because it hurts. This is because it lifts us up and makes us feel invincible. Like we want to be the best versions of ourselves and bring happiness to the life of another.
Do not confuse love with betrayal or being hurt. That is the end of a temporary infatuation that was masquerading as love.
The ‘dating game’ is akin to playing the lottery. You may have to lose quite a bit before you actually win – but winning itself is impossible if you never play. We may spend years with the wrong people. We may spend months giving someone a chance who ends up walking away. We may spend much of our lives wondering if the person who appreciates us is really out there – but we must realize that no relationship is ever a waste of time. If it did not bring us what we wanted, it helped teach us what we did not want.
When we finally do make it through the forest and into the clearing where the right person is waiting, we will proudly say it was all worthwhile.
Minimize the pain you feel by not giving away too much of yourself emotionally too soon. Love is not an overnight occurrence. It is not a word to be thrown around with people you just met. It is something that builds over time and bonds people together. If we let it.
“It is a risk to love. What if it doesn’t work out? Ah, but what if it does?”
– Peter McWilliams
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Originally appeared at JamesMSama.com
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Photo: Flickr/Thomas Leuthard
I love that person unconditionally…at first he had feelings for me n now he don’t he said it’s hard for him to fall in love ..i think because of his first breakup he has become like this.
Bt I don’t want to give up..his got a good soul
Honestly, do give up on love. If your holding back on anything in life in hope of receiving love (in whatever variety you hunger for) you’ve got it wrong.
Date someone you’re not attracted to, find someone for sex (even if it is a guy). If they become attached – their feelings are their responsibility; just as much as yours are your responsibility. And if you don’t enjoy (or can’t learn to enjoy) the shorter ride then why hunger for the longer one.
I found out recently I have autism I thought I was to blame for failing forming relationships with women I am 47 never had a girlfriend feel I have lost a lot.
37, single male here. I gave up on the dating scene ten years ago because there was no incentive for me to stay in it. Women who spent a significant amount of time with me found me boring…and broke. (Being broke sucks, but boring is a MAJOR deal breaker) I was, and still am fairly attractive due to being tall (6’4″) and fairly lean. However, I was terribly shy as a young man, and as a result, my dating life never really got off the ground. In fact, it never made it out on the runway. I guess you could… Read more »
dude, at least you can say that your are attractive and women my have some grade of interest in you, it is up to you to keep that on. I am 34, ugly as a hyena and shy. My theory is that if you are ugly, you must have any of this two: Money or a charming personality. I have neither so I am screwed. I really don’t care anymore because everything will end up the same, “I like you as a friend” “you are nice but I am not interested” hmmm ok whatever. Begin some new hobbies like mountain… Read more »
i meant to say “women might have some grade….”
This is a failed culture and society. The reality is that you’re likely not going to find love but instead a legal and financial nightmare at worst, humiliation and betrayal at best. We’ve shifted into a culture that primarily reflects what women want and expect now. Men’s desires are meaningless and have even become morally and politically suspect. What it takes now to find “love,” assuming it even exists or ever did, is entirely unreasonable and fraught with such a high degree of risk and cost that the increasingly lengthy search for it hardly seems worth it. Courtship was always… Read more »
I think most people now are a more inpatient than ever everything needs to be Instant no one takes time to work at something its all about right now at least with most young people they want instant gratification they don’t want to take time to work at a relationship they would rather hook up for one night rather than committing to a relationship but I could be just out of touch with whats going on with peoples social lives as I’m not exactly a social butterfly so often and I’m not the best person for relationship advice but it… Read more »
Some people never win and that’s a good thing. If some woman decided I was the one she wanted to be with I would be extremely suspicious of her because on paper I’m a fucking loser. In grad school with no idea what i want to do, working a boring job for the state, and in general wouldn’t make great genetic material for reproduction.
“yeah that’s the guy i want. he’s fat, has asthma, and is blind as fuck with his giant glasses. mmmm.”
^ there’s something wrong with that person.
Asthma is not your fault. Having to wear glasses is not your fault. Being fat may be your fault but so what. Fix it or don’t. I don’t define someone by their ability to see, their weight or breath.
Thank you.