If you think he isn’t telling you the truth, I bet he isn’t. I am far from sure, but that is the direction I am betting.
I bet he is lying to you because he feels that if you knew the truth you would punish him or would not give him what he needs.
I am talking about good men here, telling good lies. This is not an article about scoundrels.
THIS IS NOT AN ARTICLE FOR WOMEN OR MEN WHO ARE IN A HEAVILY CONFLICTED RELATIONSHIP WITH A MAN. TALKING ABOUT HONESTY WITH A MAN CAN BE DANGEROUS, VERY DANGEROUS. THIS IS AN ARTICLE FOR WOMEN AND MEN WHO ARE IN A GOOD, COMPASSIONATE, LOVING RELATIONSHIP WHO ARE INTERESTED IN INCREASING THEIR ALREADY EXCELLENT LEVEL OF INTIMACY. IF YOU FEEL THAT TALKING ABOUT HONESTY WITH YOUR MAN IS NOT A GOOD IDEA, THIS TIME, DON’T WASTE YOUR TIME READING FURTHER.
I worked for fifteen years counseling men with substance use disorders. Men who are having problems related to drug abuse often have a good deal of practice in lying. They lie about not being intoxicated, not being intoxicated at the time something bad happened, about where the money actually went, what was the real cause of the accident, about what drugs they are using, how much and how often and why the drug screen lab test results came back the way they did.
Every day I went to work, I got lied to. One way to respond to a lying liar is to raise the volume of your voice and give your honest opinion about their version of the truth. In counseling it’s called “confrontation.” This counseling technique has been used a lot in the past. Today it is just used too much.
When a man is called out on his lying he may get angry and double down on his claims that his lies are the truth. He may become afraid as to how he can’t live with the truth and shut down, go deeper into numb denial because it is better than being afraid. He may confess to lies to escape the situation, only to return to lying later. I am not saying that loud confrontation never penetrates the armor of some lying men leading to confessions, expression of remorse, positive behavioral change and the sincere making of amends. I am only suggesting it usually doesn’t work that way.
Many men focus on the attributes of Hard Working, Hard Body and the ability to get a Hard-on.
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I used to lead lecture and discussion groups with men on the topic of honesty. If a man could only have attributes that could be described in the English language with the letter “H” and was limited to four such attributes, he might chosen Heroic, Humble, Humorous and Honest. Many men focus on the attributes of Hard Working, Hard Body and the ability to get a Hard-on. Most potential partners prefer the first four “H’s.” Of these, Honesty might be the most important.
In these discussion groups we would examine the training that most men receive in the importance of lying well. Men, as boys, learn that lying is a great life hack in getting what you want and avoiding punishment. Boy culture often includes permission to discipline boys by hitting them harder and more often than girls. A boy can take a beating better than a girl and needs to learn how to take them better, often goes the reasoning. Boys often learn the value of lying to avoid punishment.
The most appropriate response to “Do you need some help?” Is “No.” “Do you want to fight?” “Bring it on.” Anything but the truth.
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Boys learn if they are hurting physically or emotionally, the most appropriate response to the question of how they are feeling is “fine.” The most appropriate response to “Do you need some help?” Is “No.” “Do you want to fight?” “Bring it on.” Anything but the truth.
Girls, even in these enlightened times, get messages that they can earn praise by just being there. Boys have to do something. One effective way to get rewarded for doing something is to claim that you did it, when you didn’t. This is the flip side of avoiding punishment for what a boy did—by denying it was done.
A very common circumstance is a boy fearing that something he did well, will go unrewarded, because of some unrelated thing that he did or didn’t do. In these situations lies of omission can work very well.
Women of course, have their own lie school training. Many girls start out being smiled at a lot because of their smile. All too quickly, they come to learn that their natural appearance is far from being good enough. The right look takes great effort and sacrifice,which occurs throughout a female human being’s life span. Many looks for women seem to be a disguise over what is naturally there. Many more looks seem to shout out, “Don’t look at me, look at my taste in cosmetics; look at my dress and accessories.” For many women, “I am confident being myself,” is a lie hidden behind the masks of fashion.
Girls are wise to learn quickly and well the power of lies spun into gossip and gossip spun into sickening webs of social isolation. Such webs are often constructed from strands of secrets shared in supposed confidence. Sometimes the more a girl struggles the more she is caught-up.
Boys learn about the lying arts of advertising, politics, the legal system and salesmanship in due time.
They learn that the arguments they have about who broke the rules when playing games, to get to the truth, can be more dramatic than the game itself. Will the friend who is prone to argue their perspective with punches prevail? Or will it be the rich kid, who threatens to walk away with the only available ball, who will end up being right? Sometimes it is the boy who fesses up who wins.
Seldom seen is a stadium erupting into wild applause to cheer the man who informs the officials that the rule violation that went undetected did occur and he knows, because he did it.
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In short order, boys learn the advantage of having a referee. If the referee didn’t see it, even after reviewing the instant replay video, then it didn’t happen. Seldom seen is a stadium erupting into wild applause to cheer the man who informs the officials that the rule violation that went undetected did occur and he knows, because he did it.
Referees come in the form of judges and lawyers, too. In the legal system few “Tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth,” because if you aren’t convicted you might as well never have done it.
Your man lies to you because he has been vigorously trained to lie. He has been punished for not lying. He has been rewarded for lying.
Want to test if you have a good man? Ask him if he thinks that a man should have a lie-free zone. How does he feel about having people in his life that he has a comfort level being honest with? How does he feel about having other men in his life he can be honest with?
Talk about how you were taught about lying and how you were taught about being honest. Talk about how scary it is to think about the possibly negative consequences being honest in a relationship can bring.
I suggest you DO NOT play “Truth or Dare” with your partner. That is, do not probe, even in a playful way, the limits of your partner’s ability to be honest with you.
Do seek out psychotherapeutic counseling if thinking about your distrust in you partner is causing you any sort of potentially long-lasting pain.
DO NOT DRAW YOUR PARTNER’S ATTENTION TO THIS POST. IF HE FINDS IT ON HIS OWN THAT WOULD BE BETTER OR NOT AT ALL. DO NOT TAKE ANY ADVICE THAT I HAVE WRITTEN. LET THIS ARTICLE INSPIRE YOU OWN THINKING. LET IT INSPIRE OR CALL IN TO DOUBT THE ROLE HONESTY PLAYS IN YOUR RELATIONSHIP.
Contemplate if you’ve ever noticed yourself punishing your male partner for being honest..
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Relationships are complex. I haven’t a clue as to what, if anything, I’ve written here will help increase the intimacy you desire with your man. I hope something does.
Contemplate if you’ve ever noticed yourself punishing your male partner for being honest. Do you ever contribute to his sense that any vulnerable feeling he shares can and will be used against him, in certain situations? If your man has, or might develop relationships with male friends, female friends, therapists, clergy, 12-Step Sponsors, Men’s Group peers, (such things do exist here and there), where he can be more honest about certain things, how might such relationships threaten you? How might they help you?
WARNING, HONESTY IS NOT ALWAYS THE BEST POLICY. Being more aware of how your man has been conditioned to lie can be interesting.
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Photo credit: Getty Images
Great another man justifying
Why all men can behave like
A asshole and it’s ok
Look self absorbed whatever college
Educated jerk
Human kindness it is not a man women
Thing . It is a selfish unkind thing to lie
And no spin on words can change that
Love and honesty should be as easy
As taking a breath of air if your
With someone who lies they have a life of
Pain ahead of them and you shouldn’t
Follow but you know that because
You are most likely a liar justifying
Your own bad behavior
I recently got married and on our wedding night he was lying and telling me it was all my fault and I did it not him
It would seem as though this writer’s hypothesis on why men lie is based on his experiences in working with substance misusing men, who have had a childhood of physical abuse which may have contributed to their addictions and consequent lying. Sorry, but you can’t then make links with ordinary good men and why they lie. I also struggle with some of the other generalisations including the reasons behind why women lie. The truth is, we all lie and have been conditioned to lie: good and bad, men and women, to please others, to save ourselves, for fear and for… Read more »
Rosy,
I agree that we all have lied to ourselves and/or others in our distant past, recent past, and probably prone to do it again sometime soon.
Although, where is the line drawn to divide the mentally sane people from the mentally ill people?
After all, compulsive lying is a symptom from an underlying mental illness.
So, would that mean almost everyone is a victim of a mental disorder?
@Kallen Diggs, I actually wouldn’t draw a line between the mentally sane and mentally ill; I think sanity is along a continuum. We’re all prone to depression for instance given the ‘right’ intolerable circumstances, genetic make-up, etc. And what is dissociation if it’s not a healthy and protective way for the brain to manage mild discomfort or boredom at one end to amnesia due to overwhelming trauma at the other. Likewise, lying can be a healthy survival strategy learnt in childhood, as suggested by the writer of this article. The problem is I think, that in pathologising very ordinary human… Read more »
And, if only women were afforded the day leeway to carry on with immature coping mechanisms, or proffered excuses galore for doing what they want, instead of having to grow up, act like an adult in adult relationships. But, even with an abusive childhood background, women are expected to not only work fulltime, but mother the children–which is by no means the more important parental relationship, but it’s the one that keeps everything functional, which makes zero sense–and this piece, basically suggests it is the female partners job to also mother her husband, since hesconditioned to lie to her. How… Read more »
When we “one side” the conversation, critique men by assuming that a human problem is a male problem, when we proceed, falsely I might add, from a premise that men are bad and women are good, we are not helping men but just bashing them in a sort of insidious, Machiavellian way that, to be honest, sometimes amazes me in how cleverly it is crafted. I’ve gained nothing from this essay beyond the usual eye-roll, and bewilderment that on a message board where the mission statement is built around the concept of benefiting men and releasing them from oppression, we… Read more »
DJ Roukan
“We know that women lie to men all the the time”,
Tell us more about it !
Psychologist tell us human being lie several times during the day.
We all do.
So what kind of lies are you tell us abort here?
And can you stand being married to a person that lies to you “all the time”?
DJ
sorry about my mini dyslexia.
How can you stand being married to a person that lies to you “all the time”?