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If you’re single and you’re willing to treat your dating life as a journey of growth, then you’re very lucky. Why? Because the way we search for love usually determines the kind of love we find. By approaching your dating life with deeper awareness, you have the power to change your romantic future in powerful, positive ways.
In my almost three decades as a psychotherapist, I’ve seen something I still find amazing; as we give up our need to present a false self to attract a new partner, and as we learn to embrace our most vulnerable and authentic self, we actually attract more caring, available people. And, equally amazingly, we become more attracted to people who are good for us, and less interested in people who diminish us or leave us feeling insecure. The more we embrace our deepest gifts, the more we find people who really love us for who we are.
Being single now, you have a chance to change the kind of person with whom you’ll build your future. And that is certainly lucky.
Do you identify with any points on the following checklist?
- Do you ever feel like there’s something essentially flawed or “not enough” in you that keeps you from finding love?
- Do you keep finding yourself with partners who somehow diminish you, don’t treasure your gifts, or are ultimately unavailable?
- Do you find that you’re more turned on to unavailable bad-boy or bad-girl types? Are healthy, kind, available people less exciting?
- Do you worry that your looks, your age, or your life circumstances block you from finding real love?
If a number of these points hit home for you, you’re not alone. Legions of single people are searching for love that lasts—and not finding it. Here’s an important part of the reason why: Single people have been given the wrong map of the path to love. We’re taught that the search for love is a numbers game, with odds against everyone but the young and beautiful. That playing it cool is the way to hook someone. That self-esteem and grandiosity are the same thing.
As I explain in my book Deeper Dating, that is a soul-killing map of the path to love. There is something far greater at work, and it’s found in our most authentic self—the parts of ourselves I call Core Gifts. We find our Core Gifts in our deepest joys and passions, but even more amazingly, we find them in precisely the places we feel most insecure and most misunderstood.
And when we learn to embrace these parts of ourselves, our entire life gradually begins to change. We become stronger, yet kinder. (A friend of mine described this sense of gracious power as being ‘like a china shop in a bull.”) We feel more relaxed and self-accepting, and less afraid to take risks in our relationships. And our dating life begins to change. Somehow, we find ourselves dating kinder, more available people—and, miraculously, this doesn’t make us want to flee!
One of the first steps in changing our dating life is learning to honor our desire for love. Try this three minute micro-meditation designed to help you learn to do so:
MICRO-MEDITATION
First, just take a minute to read and reflect on the following passage:
Perhaps the greatest gift in your possession is something you might never have seen as a gift: your longing for love. We are taught that longing for love is a weakness. In reality it is a gift. We do far better when we learn to honor our longing instead of judging it!
How many people have settled into loveless relationships? How many single people have given up altogether? Your desire for real love isn’t letting you do that. Your longing for love may hurt, but it is the greatest gift you own in your search for a partner.
Now, simply take a moment to acknowledge yourself for being someone who hasn’t given up seeking love. Someone alive enough, brave enough to allow yourself to hope, and yes, to search for real love. Take a brief moment to appreciate yourself for not giving up, for still wanting and seeking true intimacy. Notice how that feels.
The search for healthy, lasting love is one of the greatest tasks of our adult lives. As you learn to steer clear of the superficial and manipulative “gimmicks” you may have been taught about finding love, and instead approach your search as a journey of deep growth, you will find your dating life changing in important and hopeful ways.
© Ken Page, LCSW 2015
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This article originally appeared on Psychology Today
Photo credit: Getty Images
“China shop in a bull” – I love it. I want to use it …
I have learned many of the things this article discusses. Ironically, it has led me away from relationships with other toward a life lived largely alone, but not lonely.
Wonderful article. Loved it, thanks.