I am faced with fears like any other woman, that I may not be able to become a mother “on time”.
I say “on time” because I’m 37 and I still haven’t fulfilled myself in the role of a mother.
At the beginning, three years ago, when my partner and I decided not to be more careful during sexual intercourse and when we decided it was time to expand our family, I didn’t worry so much then.
I went for a regular gynecological checkup where my doctor was told that I was pretty healthy for my age. My partner also went for an examination after which we got the results where it says that everything is pretty good with him as well.
Then we relaxed …
But only temporarily….
I can say, my partner is still pretty relaxed, but I … I didn’t ..
When I talk to my sisters or friends, they all tell me that I just need to relax.
I often hear “You know, my friend has a sister, who also tried and only when she gave up on it all and when she stopped thinking too much about it, she got pregnant!”
Yeah, sure!
So far, I haven’t talked to a woman who really just relaxed and got pregnant!
Even if they told me it was so, I wouldn’t believe them!
How to relax, when each of us has at least 3 applications on the phone that monitor the menstrual calendar, ovulation and fertile days ?!
At least three times a day, some of the applications are announced, reminding me what day it is and to type the symptoms!
I was in a situation, becouse in the last few months, I have endured harder and harder, mentally, every menstrual cycle, to delete all applications and try not to think about it …
Just try not to burn my brain …
And then, after that, I had an appointment with a gynecologist.
And to his question “When did you have your last menstruation?” I shrug and say “I don’t know!” as if I really don’t care, expecting him to say “Bravo, you’re relaxed!”
But not!
With all my hope, that he would encourage me in this, he began to shout, “Who will think of it, if you will not? How do I know now? Should I be clairvoyant?”
And then, so shocked and ashamed, I blushed with shame and embarrassment!
It’s a shame, nothing else!
So what did I expect ?!
I am a really silly woman!
And then, again, I install all the applications and update the calendar (luckily, technology is growing day by day, so I don’t lose hope in it, it saves everything in my account, which I “allegedly” want to delete in times of crisis :))
And then,again, I keep track of dates and record everything that happens to me from day to day …
Maybe it wouldn’t have been so difficult, mentally, if I hadn’t been surrounded by the tone of the children of my friends and close family.
I came to the situation that every one of their cries of “Mom” bothered my stomach and hurt as if someone had stabbed me…
And there is my mother, another Judge who says, every day, that she is waiting for her grandson or granddaughter, that my time is long gone, not to be stupid..
As if I don’t want it more than anyone!
Doctors say that everything is fine and that we should still trying …
And I noticed another problem with myself!
I don’t know about other women, but I feel that my PMS period has shifted and that in the days after menstruation I become nervous and I can’t look at myself in the mirror!
So who would I be so attractive to ?!
When it’s time for ovulation, instead of “mother nature” doing its thing and shining with beauty and pleasure, to be attractive to my partner, I scream at everything in my path!
I turn into a mad housewife who, suddenly, is bothered by everything in house and then I move, wipe and clean everything, wash and iron, as if I got hold of an old house where no one lived for 10 years and now I have to live there, so everything should be cleaned from floor to ceiling!
Then I withdraw into myself and mostly spend time alone …
I don’t want to see my friends and I lie to them all and lie about some obligations, which still makes me feel disgusted.
Well, those are nerves and wild hormones!
Normal women, like I used to be, have Premenstrual Syndrome (PMS). That is a combination of symptoms that many women get about a week or two before their period.
But not me …
I try to understand, reading the books of popular psychology, that it is just a state of my mind at that moment.
That these days are nothing but the product of my dissatisfaction.
And I can tell you that it really helps.
“It’s perfectly fine to be alone for a while if you’ve had a stroke, lost your job or lost a relationship. But in a few weeks we have to get back to life and allow ourselves to receive help and support from people who care about us, sometimes even and from complete strangers” Neale Donald Walsch, said in an interview.
A few days ago I received some wonderful advice from an older woman who looks at it all from a religious point of view.
She told me: “Look, we must not want anything very much and try in every way to reach the goal. Who knows why it is good that you do not have children for now ?! Maybe, up there, it is written that you will have a sick child, and God now thinks you’re not strong yet to deal with it! Maybe He saves you from some evil and sorrow this way. Come to terms with it. Everything happens for a reason. ”
I am religious, but not enough to agree with her words and believe in it! I am not!
I was a little scared by everything she said, but the thought that, if there is at least 50% truth in it, the thought of someone from above protecting me from something, that thought is reassuring, in a way…
I am more helped by motivators who say that I must be focused on the goal and that I will reach the goal… That I have to think positively and that I should act as if I am already pregnant! I can do that, because if it is something developed in me, then it is my imagination. I can bet on that!
Now I hang out a little more, I work a little more on myself, my appearance and calmness…
I enjoy long walks and don’t think about what I don’t have. some people say there are no problems, there are only challenges.
I wanted to tell this, because I know it’s easier for me too when I read someone’s struggle to have a child and then I don’t feel lonely and rejected by others.
I will take my challenges on my feet!
I believe that something nice is waiting for me soon, so that then for 9 months I can just sit and write 🙂
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Previously published on Medium.com.
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Photo credit: by Trifon Yurukov on Unsplash