We donât live in a post-racial dating society.
However, women of color are already disempowered.
So instead of ruminating over why fair skin is the prize, I started breaking something down on a subconscious level.
Why is fair-skinned, Latina, Asian, and white the most sought-after?
I coin this as the collective of the âfair-skinned elite,â throughout each article in the series.
Earlier, I wrote about the South Asian community, where I noticed a repeated pattern of the same cluster of women having more respect:
Note: this is written purely from an observational lens. Instead of deciphering and looming over the negativity of being seen as less than others, Iâve been searching for answers as to how we women, as a collective, can change the status quo. I donât hate South Asian men and families (Iâve written this surrounding my experiences among that circle), however, many of the behaviors and beliefs stem from a scarcity mindset, and lack of consciousness, in our culture. The same ideas below can be transferred to any woman of color (there are differences but itâs relatively a similar basis), and any other culture.
The origins of disempowering true sisterhood.
Colonialization. Yes, the whole movement lasted for centuries and has had terrible effects on the collective minds of most cultures.
The most subjected, before the introduction of technology and after, are women. The world is designed for men by men (or as I should accurately depict â â the elite of white men at play), however, that rigs a lot against women.
Colonialization made it a priority to curb a womanâs essence, freedom, and expression. That curbing of expression leads to women using their insecurities as motivation to break down sisterhood, as âwomen canât trust each other.â Insecure women, who arenât evolving in their path, stay stagnant, comparing themselves to other women, not knowing that if one woman realizes her worth, she leads to a path to empowering other women.
So how did men start thinking about fetishes, to begin with? When you have one race of people using other people as commodities, and instilling how their inherent worth is less than, by definition of a whole human being, generations ahead are going to carry that trauma. Itâs a mental, spiritual, physical, and emotional breakdown of cultures that had the most substance.
Thatâs why colonialists and other cultures started going to so-called âexotic placesâ to find women they found alluring by picking apart the gender roles they wanted plus catering to sexual fantasies.
The âpicking apart the gender roles they especially wanted,â is still in the psyche of men in the dating pool today (itâs unconsciously driven until men start to look within).
What ends up happening, is that instead of women joining forces together, thereâs this scarcity mindset of competing for resources â â in this sense, the competition is for the approval of men.
Now that we have some backstory to the problem, where do we go from here?
De-centering men and discipline is the key to uplifting all women.
As they say, thereâs a special place in hell for women who donât lend a hand to each other. Thatâs because, the same insecure, scarcity-driven women cater to the colonial, patriarchal mindset.
De-centering men is the art of not centering your life around men. You donât cater to the white noise outside, telling you how should dress, entertain men, or what strategies would hold men most favorable in dating (i.e the idea of settling for less). You build a life outside of men, and if you start dating, learn to analyze the pattern of men you attract. Our life has so many vast aspects intertwined with each other. In order to win at life, there needs to be an introspective assessment.
We all need each other, so if women canât take a step back to become the healthiest version of themselves, and be secure within their own skin, they wonât attract the same in aligned action.
Iâve met women who know they have a better advantage in the dating pool, but they attract the men who fetishize them. Do you want to attract the same broken individuals? They will only mirror what you are.
As one of my favorite women, Sahar Khorramm puts it perfectly, discipline, to elevate oneself spiritually, mentally, emotionally, and physically, is the key to all positive outcomes in life. She dives deeper into how you build it, but overall, itâs knowing yourself, knowing what you want, and working on your mentality to shape your outer reality.
The true power of feminine energy is to be self-focused and rewire our subconscious.
Feminine energy is not gender roles, it’s how we remove the constriction that society places on us and unleash our wild inner power to attract whatever we want. We are all naturally dark feminine, speaking and operating from the truth. Our conditioning brings us farther away from it.
Iâve noticed that women of color are put down on multiple levels â socially, politically, mentally, emotionally, monetarily, and physically.
At the end of the day, it heightens our sense of unworthiness and lack of self-love. When I delved into some books, like the Power of the Subconscious Mind by Joseph Murphy, I realized how much the media, racism, and other forms of disempowerment have deeply seeded negative responses.
The worst part is that weâre kept in that lane, with nowhere to go. Itâs a horrible gut feeling of never achieving what our heart desires and living in bitterness while the rest of the world is luckier.
The one who has the most privilege lives in a state of being unbothered â whereas the rest of us are trying to survive and compete.
Take an example: white privilege, the fact that itâs a manâs world, the pay gap over a period of a womanâs lifetime, and how the ones who are being fetishized (i.e Asian women on apps), may not realize what extent they actually are. White men are typically programmed to not have any traumas,2 and live life leisurely.
After seeing examples in dating and among family members who were more fair-skinned than me, I started adapting the principle of how the inner reality is the outer form. The pain of being in a whirlpool of negative thoughts and reaching a point where it became intolerable, made me break down why the world is what it is.
The pay gap for women of color = date higher caliber.
No, this isnât hypergamy. Iâve seen how extreme hypergamy can be among the women who have pride in knowing them being a fetish is an advantage. They will do anything for a higher caliber without looking at character.
No, youâre not a gold digger for doing this. The act is quite selfless, considering how much women have to work hard to cover the gap within multiple aspects of life (lifetime savings, pregnancy, wage gap, the disparity in health studies, poverty, the disparity in education, generational trauma, etc).
We work for the generations ahead of us, to achieve a different outcome, to make sure our women are strategic, and win at life.
The applicability of statistics is exactly why dating in a higher socioeconomic caliber makes sense in the long run.
After all, if men are trained to be self-focused, why shouldnât women?
In the wise words of a woman, I deeply love and respect, Fumi aka Mahamaven, âif the cards were reversed, men would demand hypergamy and sky-high standards.â
I wanted some peace to the madness.
Obama wrote in several of his books, how as a black man, he had doubts about his long-term plans but also a sense of faith that inspiring the next generation despite his background and paradox of events, would instill hope.
His most famous quote, âshould we work for the world as it is, or should we work for the world as it should be?â struck a cord in my heart.
If we as women donât learn the world as it is, itâs very difficult to shape the world for what it should be.
The main point of this extensive thesis is that subconscious programming and elevating ourselves spiritually eliminates the men and families that project their validation issues. We donât need broken people â we need the ones who are grounded, have self-awareness, and work towards it.
Women have the most power in relationships, so working on our greatest power, I hope, would give some positivity and peace to the chaotic white noise we constantly hear.
P.S: if youâre not convinced yet, just know that Obama also follows G.L Lambert, a coach that teaches about how to be a spartan in life, decenter men, and date up đ
Part two is the psychoanalysis of men with the fair skin elite fetish, and of families that encourage colorism. We delve deeper into each of their outlooks for when you meet another guy and his family next timeâŚ
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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Photo credit: Caique Nascimento on Unsplash