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Let me tell you about the most inspiring conversation I had with a stranger on a bus in San Francisco.
This man we’ll call Dave, was very in love with his wife. He gushed about his adorable children, great home, 6-figure salary and then came the big but…“but my wife tells me she loves me but is not in love with me…we have absolutely no sex-life!”
Dave ranted on: “I do almost all of the house work, I started doing everything for the kids and the most I’ll get is a tight-lipped peck on the cheek!”
Next, Dave shared the glim possibilities on the path ahead.
“What does a person in my situation do?
I refuse to stay miserable while sleeping in separate bedrooms…I’m done feeling rejected while hopelessly trying to ‘patch’ things up…I will not cheat and lose the respect of myself and my spouse…Moving out and risking only getting to see my kids every second weekend is simply not an option!…This leaves me with agreeing to stay married while being open to sex with other people…hmm?”
Dave was honestly searching for a solution to his situation. Sometimes actions that seem harmless can be far more damaging than they appear.
Case Study: One Couple’s Attempt To Swing Loneliness Away
This married couple we’ll call, John and Chantelle, felt more like roommates than lovers.
One night, while over at a younger couples’ house, John and Chantelle were propositioned to try ‘swinging.’
The agreement seemed straightforward, “as soon as one person gets uncomfortable, it stops – no questions asked.”
“But honey, remember the agreement we made before we even fooled around with them?“
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It was all fun at the start, but as the weeks went on, John and the other man’s wife had become uncomfortable and wanted to end the open-arrangement.
The only hang-up was that Chantelle and her new boyfriend were enjoying each other too much to stop.
“But honey, remember the agreement we made before we even fooled around with them?“ Unfortunately, John’s plea failed to sway Chantelle; the newly formed, unmarried coupled, was just getting started and certainly not ready to stop.
This left John playing the jealous detective for months – checking his wife’s unattended phone as often as he could while trying to calm his nerves by popping anti-anxiety pills.
Unfortunately, this is a common outcome of swinging arrangements that have been born out of despair.
If Not Swinging, Then What?
Dr. Cloe Madanes and Tony Robbins have repeatedly demonstrated in their live marriage interventions that even the most hopeless-seeming couples are able to meet each others’ needs and reconnect in deeper, more lasting ways.
Here’s a slightly sensationalized 8-minute video of Tony Robbins working his marriage:
If You Don’t Have A Personal Tony Robbins? Give This A Shot
For the next 7 days, pay close attention to what lights up your spouse and make it your personal goal to discover what author, Gary Chapman calls your partner’s love language.
Be on the look out for what makes your partner laugh, smile, and really feel loved: Is it gifts your partner responds to most or is it touch? What kinds of gifts? What kinds of touch? Is it acts of service or does your partner feel more loved by quality time? What kind of time: care-free or structured? Or is it words of affirmation that your partner really craves? Which words strike a chord?
Have fun and experiment with this – jot down your discoveries. This will be your roadmap to meeting your partner’s needs in her/his most irresistable love language.
FOR TODAY: WHAT’S THE GREATEST DISTANCE YOU’VE GONE TO IMPRESS YOUR LOVER?
I’m curious – what’s the greatest distance you’ve gone to impress your partner?
It could’ve been buying an incredible gift, doing something amazing together, or saying the most heart-felt of words. No judgments here – just your purest romancing in the comments below.
For readers still considering swinging or a more open marriage arrangement, check out: Open Relationships are Unique for Every Couple
Works Cited:
Chapman, G. (1995). The Five Love Languages. United States: Northfield Publisher
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An alternative version of this post can be found here.
Chad Edwards helps married couples (no longer in love with each other) fall in love again – this time for good. Go to his website relationshipsreimagine
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Photo credit: Getty Images
I’m confused and maybe I missed the correlation between the clip and the title?
I’m also confused !
Hi Tom and Iben, Sorry about the confusion between the video clip and the title…the video clip shows a man who has gone outside his marriage to get his needs met, not realized it and it has caused his wife to feel like he loves his music more than he loves her. This is causing both partners to feel cold, resentful and shut down from each other. In the case study above, the cold married couple go outside their marriage to remedy their missing needs with ‘swinging’ leaving the left-out partners feeling less important than the new partners. Tony Robbins… Read more »
Chad, the Tony Robbins video is great ! Thanks for bringing this video to our attention.
I’m glad you liked it, Iben.
Take care,
Chad
Thanks for the clarification. Makes a little more sense now.
Ummm… so the author mentions the “conversation I had with a stranger on a bus in San Francisco,” and the “adorable children, great home, 6-figure salary” that stranger has. Note to author: People that make 6-figures in SF don’t take the bus, nice try.
I’m a young recently married CPA live in SF, working in corporate accounting. I fasten the ankle strapes on my Louboutins every morning, and take a bus to my corner office. I take the bus, every day. Have you been on a bus in SF? Huge range in socioeconomic income.
Thanks Florence and Tom. I really appreciate your thoughts on the matter as I don’t personally live in San Francisco (but do love to visit).
Sincerely,
Chad
6 figures in SF isn’t that big a deal … you need that much for basic living expenses. Mid to upper 6 figures may be a little different.