Ah, Jane. Such a marvellously clever woman, and so underappreciated in her time.
I’ve been an avid Jane Austen reader from the first day I picked up and flew through Pride and Prejudice. After delighting in the romances and dramatic events between sweet Jane and her agreeable Mr. Bingley, and lively Elizabeth and her stoic Mr. Darcy, I quickly ran out to my local brick and mortar to knab the remaining copies of everything she had ever written.
Always a lover of classic novels (my bookshelf-cloggers pre-Jane Austen obsession were the works of the Bronte sisters, and I didn’t stop there) I fell into her stories as though I, too, wore curls in my hair and ribbons upon my bonnets. I fell into her world, imagining the kind of life a woman could hope for; perhaps a marriage that might offer at least some love, along with comfort and security; and hopefully acquaintances with men that were not scallywags or cads.
(I also greatly prefer the insults of that era — classic.)
Ms. Austen, despite being offered the hand of at least one reputable gentleman, never married, but there’s no doubt that the woman knew what it meant to be in love. Indeed, once the solemn vows of ardent, sincere, and often inconvenient love were finally spoken aloud by the hero to the heroine, there was no denying Jane Austen’s understanding of real, constant love. And in such a time as hers, love was not the free-flowing, immaterial feeling it is today. Real love couldn’t continue if it was a bad match or if that love left both parties destitute.
The marriages often remained, however!
The characters in her books were so relatable — imperfect women making ridiculous mistakes in love and life — that you can’t help but see your own mistakes as you read.
Evidently, we’re just like them.
Reserve your judgement
I never judge a book by its cover. In fact, I never judge a book until I’ve turned the last page.
I suck at judging people, though.
I’m not alone — most people judge others before they’ve taken in all the information, and it doesn’t stop with love.
In Pride and Prejudice, Elizabeth judges Mr. Darcy as a cold and unfeeling man. He, likewise, misjudges her character and is so stuck up at the start that he can’t even acknowledge her beauty.
The mistakes of both continue so stubbornly throughout the book until they finally figure each other out, it’s embarrassing. It’s mostly embarrassing because I’ve done this, too.
So don’t judge a person until you’ve seen enough of their character to effectively do so — you can save yourself an awful lot of trouble that way.
Ask the Miss Bennet who almost missed her chance.
Know your sphere
Too often, women and men stay single and broken-hearted because they always fall for the wrong people. Usually, this is an infatuation rather than real love, and the source of the infatuation generally has something to do with the subject’s extreme good looks.
Sometimes, though, the attraction comes down to a person’s situation in life. For instance, doctors, professional athletes, pilots, and so on, often have a bit more choice when it comes to their partners.
Don’t get mad! These are just the cold, hard facts. According to Tinder’s former CEO, Sean Rad, your job (or lack thereof) is a huge factor in who swipes in your favour. In an interview with Business Insider in 2015, he noted the importance of the first impression:
“how you look — and what that says about your personality. Common connections. Career. Education. 90% of it comes down to that, and sociologists will tell you the rest is sort of diminishing value.” — source
Some things never change. In Emma, our heroine’s bestie immediately falls for the right guy but is soon led away by a well-meaning but horribly misjudged Emma towards men who were decidedly out of her own sphere in all facets.
It all works out in the end, but not without a lot of useless heartache in the middle.
In modern dating, there is no social circle that any person can’t break his or her way into, but the fact remains that people will gravitate towards those who are intellectually and socially “superior.” They’ll try to “marry up.”
Tinder says so.
Choose your partners wisely and aim as high as you please — but be aware of the competition and know the overall (not just financial) worth of the person you are fighting for. Most importantly, remember that just because a person is a doctor or a pilot that doesn’t mean they’re a better man than the plumber who’s been respectfully chasing you for months.
In short, don’t be a snob, and beware of other snobs. Unless you’re naturally a snob, in which case, please scoop up all the other snobs and go live somewhere snobby.
Don’t fall in love with pretty words (or faces)
Fall in love — often — but do it for the right reasons. Fall for the character, the merit, the value of a person, but don’t allow yourself to fall for the prettiness or disinterested compliments that often accompany false love.
Haven’t we all come across our very own Mr. Willoughby in our romantic endeavours? In Sense and Sensibility, Marianne, the flighty, emotional half of the two sisters the story revolves around, falls spectacularly in love with a seemingly perfect lover. For a while, he really was.
However, if something in life seems like it’s too good to be true, as the saying goes, it probably is.
This is true in Sense and Sensibility, and it’s true in modern love, too — mostly. Pretty words are easy to say, and being blessed with a pretty face is also a big advantage, but unless it’s all backed up with genuine actions, avoid the pretty exteriors until a hint of true beauty peeks out from behind the facade.
Don’t fall for anything less than true love
In any of Jane Austen’s novels, the underlying tone is consistent — only real, true love will do.
In Mansfield Park, Fanny Price manages to get a complete coxcomb to fall genuinely in love with her, without intending to or desiring it. She nearly falls into the trap that this flimsy love would have caught her in, but she escapes because of one, very real and unignorable truth:
It wasn’t true love.
None of Ms. Austen’s heroines marry for the ease or comfort of it, and it’s a good thing. Can you imagine Fanny with Mr. Crawford? Or Elizabeth with Mr. Wickham? Or Emma with Mr. Churchill? They’d all be marriages that happened for either convenience or a complete lack of understanding of who the other person was, and that never works out, either in fiction or in reality.
Don’t settle for anything less than the real deal.
Be constant
When you do find the right man, Ms. Austen teaches us the art of constancy. Without it, Anne Elliot would never have had her second shot at Captain Wentworth in Persuasion — arguably my favourite work of Ms. Austen’s.
Constancy in love (and marriage) is not always easy, but it’s something that we take for granted in modern times. Not feeling so lovey-dovey, today? Has the spark fizzled out? That must mean you are out of love — ditch the fool!
That kind of thinking wouldn’t work in the 18th century, and inconsistency in love might be a big factor in our horrible divorce rates today.
Marry your bestie
A regular occurrence in Jane Austen’s novels is the time that people take to attach themselves to each other.
By today’s standards, a few months or even a year would be too short a time to consider oneself truly in love, but in Jane’s day, a few pleasant meetings would suffice. In her books, however, most serious attachments took place over several months and involved deep, meaningful conversations that lead to genuine understanding and love.
Sometimes love sneaks up on you, and this was true for Jane Austen’s world as well. Emma, for instance, realizes at almost the same time as her childhood family friend, Mr. Knightly, that they belong together. They were intimate as family connections for years, their siblings being married to each other, and real love never entered the equation between them until it was nearly too late.
It’s often said that you should marry your best friend, and for good reason — there’s little chance of finding your best friend to be someone completely different than who you thought they were. There’s little chance of your best friend not caring deeply for you and putting you first. And who will make you laugh until you pee yourself quite like your best friend?
I’m no dating guru — I’ve been married too long to understand dating these days, and I don’t even know which way you’re supposed to swipe on Tinder. But I do know love, and I know that it’s not always easy.
It is simple, though.
What I love about Jane Austen’s work most is the simplicity of finding true love. Two people, against all odds, meeting in a little country village ball, and who happen to be destined for each other — how quaint. How wholesome. It’s such a contrast from the smut and violence of today’s great works, that even though I’ve read her novels several times over, I always return to them when I need a break from all the insanity.
And when I do, I am reminded of the lessons I’ve learned about love: don’t fall for a scoundrel, and when you find real love, hold on tight.
It really can be that simple.
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Previously Published on Medium
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