Guys seem a bit confused these days. What does equality mean, exactly? Am I not supposed to pay for dinners or drinks anymore? I know she gets bombarded by comments on social media all the time, so can I no longer tell her she’s beautiful? Is she going to pepper-spray me if I say hello to her at the gym?
But then, you go online. You put men behind phone screens or Tinder profiles or anonymous Facebook accounts and you get some of the crudest, most ridiculous bile spewed from the depths of hell into the eyeballs of an unsuspecting woman who is just trying to check her Amazon shopping cart.
There really seems to be no middle ground. Men are so nervous about being ‘too much,’ that they shrink themselves to become far too little. Then, they go online to hide behind a username and become way too much – perhaps to get it out of their system.
What is the issue here, really? I think men feel like they can only have it one way, or another.
Maybe this is because they don’t know how to attract a woman in a way that makes her feel like more of a woman, instead of less.
She wants to be intimate with you. She wants for you to show her how sexy you find her – when the time is right. She wants you to be the man and understand her in ways that only the man who knows her the most intimately, can.
She wants you to build the emotional comfort and attraction between the two of you so she can give herself to you physically without any hesitation. When she does this, she can fully open up to you and be her true, authentic self.
She wants you to make her forget her name when you kiss her. She wants you to grip her hips while you’re pressing her up against the wall as she’s biting her lip trying to catch her breath. She wants to lose all track of reality when she’s with you. Put on some music that pulsates within your soul and become one with her.
She is not fragile. She won’t break. If you’ve connected with her on a deeper level, you already know all of this.
Women require emotional comfort in order to express themselves to a man physically, but often times a man requires the physical connection in order to feel interest from a woman. This gives us a cycle that can go in circles if it’s not understood. The onus is on the man to help the woman he cares about understand that his intentions are good and he is genuine in what he says and how he acts.
But let’s assume you’ve built this trust and comfort with a woman – to treat her like a fragile porcelain doll that’s going to shatter into a million pieces if she’s touched in the wrong way, is just going to ensure that you don’t touch her at all.
I think this false perception comes from the bullshit double standard we place on sex drives. Men talk openly about a high sex drive like it’s a badge of honor, while women are shamed into hiding their urges because they are afraid of what people will think.
So, societally we hear a lot more noise from men about sex, and make the (false) assumptions that we want it much more than women do. Often times, though, the exact opposite is true…
She wants to be given passion while her body is taken. She wants to feel secure taking risks. She wants to be reassured while she’s lead into the darkness. You need to find a balance between what makes her feel comfortable and what makes her feel dangerous.
You can do all of these things while still loving and respecting her as a human being. This is part of a fully formed, intimate relationship with someone. This is, perhaps, the most important part of all.
What is the only REAL separation between a friendship and a relationship? That’s right – the sex. We pretty much do all of the same things with our significant other that we would with a friend, but we also get to touch their bum.
This means that sex is also one of the most integral parts of keeping a relationship…a relationship. Open and honest communication about what we do (and don’t) enjoy, is endlessly important to building the emotional comfort and closeness required to have the physical comfort and closeness. The ability to communicate verbally and non-verbally, while reading each other’s cues, will bring you closer together in every way.
Have you ever noticed that you felt sexier and more confident with one person than another? If you looked the exact same at both times in your life, why such a difference? It’s because of the emotional impact that can be had on the physical, sexual experience.
You can respect a woman and still seduce her. She can be a “good girl” and still want to be bad for you. You can make her feel safe but also feel dangerous, at the same time.
You don’t have to choose between being a gentleman OR a ‘bad boy,’ you can be both. Love, respect, and honor her – but also challenge, empower, and seduce her.
This article originally appeared on James Michael Sama’s Blog
Photo credit: Getty Images