In our One Nation Under Exaggeration, much subtlety is lost in our daily discourse. One particularly tenacious fallacy is that there are only two types of men: tough guy alpha males and milksop weaklings. A major aspect separating the two types is the expression of emotion. According to urban legend, the alphas must show no emotion lest they be destroyed. As for the weaklings, well, they are a mass of unchecked emotions, weeping freely all over themselves.
This is another false dichotomy bred by America’s seeming inability to recognize degrees of variation. As usual, the truth is much more nuanced. When we peel back the curtain of macho propaganda, we see that men can be simultaneously strong, while also freely expressing emotions like well-rounded human beings.
For those of you who are petrified of showing vulnerability, let’s be clear: no one is forcing you to talk about your feelings. There are no “Sensitivity Brigades” marching from town to town to force you to cry in public. You don’t have to prove you’re a “sensitive man.” None of this is mandatory.
Yes, it’s great to be independent, resilient, and strong. Heck, having the ability to become aloof and emotionally disciplined is also an important ability. But these qualities and the ability to be emotionally available are not mutually exclusive capabilities. Men can incorporate both sets of behaviors into their daily lives.
You Don’t Have to Hide Your Humanity
However, many men don’t believe they have the option to be both strong and emotional. They have been taught that showing emotions equals weakness. They have forgotten that one cannot be courageous without accepting and overcoming one’s fears. Allowing oneself to open up and being emotionally vulnerable is brave. If anything, avoiding one’s emotions is cowardly, and is a slippery slope to mental pathology.
When you feel the urge to suppress your emotions, explore your motivations. Are you being aloof because you want to be disciplined and strong to help support others? Or are you withholding emotions because that’s what’s expected of a “real man”?
Yes, you should be resilient. You don’t have to become a sobbing mess every time you talk about your feelings. But please remember you have the option to break down if that’s what you need. You don’t have to do it in public. You don’t need showy displays of emotion like you see on daytime talk shows, reality TV, and social media. Just remember, emotional expression is a pressure release valve. Don’t let all that pressure build up inside.
The Price of Bottling It Up
I’m going to put this out there: guns aren’t the problem when it comes to mass shootings perpetrated by white males. Mental illness isn’t the problem either. The real origin, according to growing research, is the social programming men receive. Teaching men to self-isolate through emotional suppression is a huge public health crisis. Some self-suppressing men eventually explode into violence.
As social creatures, human beings crave community. But when men are taught to be “tribeless” loners, we eventually become lost and adrift in life. When this happens, our instinct to be acknowledged and accepted becomes twisted, and some of us lash out in grandiose, obscene distortions of social interaction: we kill.
Be Your Brother’s Keeper
As men, we must be part of the solution. We must begin to break the social programming that makes us self-isolate. The best way to do this is to set an example of better masculinity for other men. Be a trailblazer, take the heroic first step and lead from the front. Be the first guy in your group to bring up the topic of freely expressing the full range of human emotions. Being vulnerable and opening up to others allows us to have empathy for others. If more men cultivate their empathy, fewer of us will resort to violence.
As men, we must become the keeper of our fellows. We can do this by showing up for other men, to listen to their issues and encourage them to seek emotional support. We must seek out men who are isolated and be there for them. We must take responsibility for each other, rather than just seeing each other as competition.
We must strive to build better brotherhoods based on openness. It’s up to us to help other men de-stress and detox. Yes, we have a lot of work ahead of us. But I like to consider this our own “masculinity moonshot.” Like John F. Kennedy said, we do this not because it is easy but because it is hard. Who better than man to take on a tough job, right?
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