My friends and I were having a discussion in the park today about buying houses. Unfortunately, none of us are quite at that stage yet, but it’s a good discussion to have nonetheless.
Both of my friends are in long-term relationships and they both voiced that they would need a two-bedroom house or flat minimum. No, not to have a spare room for guests or a walk-in wardrobe, but to have separate bedrooms for themselves and their partners.
At first, this sounded ludacris to me. If two people are in a relationship, and living together, why on Earth would they have separate bedrooms?
Then it occurred to me. Living in the same bedroom with your partner has been ingrained in our minds since we were young. We’ve witnessed our parents in the same bedroom, we’ve witnessed our grandparents in the same bedroom, and maybe our great-grandparents.
But society seems to have altered its opinion on this.
A lot of my friends I’ve spoken to, male and female, have voiced they would need to have a separate room for their partner. No, not because they’ve got too many clothes or, a super-large anime collection that won’t fit anywhere, but because it’s to keep the relationship alive.
According to a 2017 survey from the National Sleep Foundation, almost one in four married couples sleep in separate beds.
“People are losing sleep. They are waking each other up, and there is this resentment that begins to build in a relationship.” — Jill Lankler, USA Today News
When I moved to London for 6 months, my parents informed me that my room had been converted to a miniature office, which I could understand. But I was shocked to hear that my dad had not only been working in my old room, but he kept the bed and had been sleeping in it.
Wait, what? Is their marriage on the rocks? Did I miss major signs when living at home?
None of the above. My mum and dad just wanted their own space, and I don’t blame them. After 30 years of marriage and, sleeping in the same bed as someone, you would have completely forgotten how it feels to be able to spread out, toss and turn freely in a bed.
Not to mention my mother snores really badly…
I hate sleeping with my other half. He goes for cigarettes really early in the morning and, doesn’t sleep at all sometimes so the blue light from his phone ruins my sleep cycle and, wakes me up.
A sleep scientist conducted a study on couples sleeping together, and found the following:
- When sleep and relationship quality were studied in a group of heterosexual couples, both during the night and during the day, we found that when our male subjects slept worse, they reported that their relationship quality suffered the next day.
- Research shows that mismatched pairs have lower levels of relationship satisfaction, more conflict, and less sexual activity.
You and your partner can be a perfect match during waking hours and still make terrible bedfellows when it comes to bedtime. Maybe one partner snores or one is a blanket hog (guilty). Maybe you have radically different sleep schedules or room-temperature preferences (I have to sleep in the cold), or maybe you just don’t sleep as well knowing there is another unconscious human breathing the same air as you.
Additionally, you need your own space. You’ve been used to having your own space your whole life, your own escape zone, and your own items. Just because you’re now in a relationship, doesn’t mean you must share everything you own.
I’m so used to having my bedrooms colour co-ordinated pink or white with a handful of teddy bears in my bed. I would rather sleep with my teddy bears than with a human (sometimes).
I am glad this generation has found a way to keep their relationships alive alongside their mental wellbeing. Personal space and, happiness is paramount to everything, and if you can figure that out and, have a brilliant relationship, you’re winning in life.
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This post was previously published on MEDIUM.COM.
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From The Good Men Project on Medium
What Does Being in Love and Loving Someone Really Mean? | My 9-Year-Old Accidentally Explained Why His Mom Divorced Me | The One Thing Men Want More Than Sex | The Internal Struggle Men Battle in Silence |
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