Learning about the concept of Third Culture Kids (TCKs) in high school was exciting because it gave words to an experience I was having.
Being away from home, there is a certain degree of “when in Rome…” that you must balance with “never forget your home.”
So how do we reconcile the past and present — traditional and modern?
Here is some Food for Thought (FFT) around narratives that might have shaped who you are but could be worth revisiting as you decide who you’re becoming.
Boundaries are rude
Do it because I said so, not because you want to… If you don’t, you’re “stubborn”.
“Come and call Auntie Gloria!” — Just because it’s new year’s, even though you never have anything to talk about.
“Where is my hug?” — Give uncle Joe a hug, though his lingering hands make you uncomfortable.
“Leave your room door open!” — there’s no privacy until you’re paying rent.
Be obedient, do as you are told, and keep life simple for everybody.
Your needs and desires are selfish or demanding, especially in homes where one parent is parenting single-handedly for whatever reason (e.g. the other is working to keep the family afloat.)
FFT: As an adult, do you shrink yourself to be “nice”, agreeable, palatable, and avoid causing others “discomfort”?
Self-doubt
You want to live in your truth, but don’t even know what that is because there’s always been a handbook you were expected to live by.
When you spoke up about an issue, your words were invalid; you told the hairdresser the relaxer was burning your scalp, and she told you it wasn’t that bad and you could bear another minute, “beauty is pain” after all.
How do you learn to trust yourself if your truth is called a lie? What is true?
Expressing your needs was equated to being an “attention-seeker”. Asking questions about governing principles meant you were “questioning God” or the culture. Your voice didn’t matter because you were “just a child”.
FFT: As an adult, how do you trust that the path you’ve chosen is the right one for you even when it looks different from what the ‘handbooks outline?
Laborious gender performances
Toxic masculinity and co-dependent femininity where self-sacrifice and control are at the center of “love” are engrained in cultural norms.
If a man’s entire identity is to “protect and provide,” who is he when he can no longer do either? Sharing his fears or the burden on his shoulders threatens his masculinity. Instead, he might let anger simmer and give rise to silent or hostile treatment in the home. He is the “man of the house” after all. If he is the head of the house, his wife is the neck or the spine.
Women like their men “strong” and men like their women “good”.
She puts God and others before herself even when it costs her happiness and sanity. The best part? She will never inconvenience you with that information.
FFT: As an adult, what are your expectations of the opposite gender? Are you accustomed to women in service? Are you uncomfortable seeing men cry?
Defining Love
Love is perceived to be earned in exchange for the currency of perfection.
Most of our parents didn’t say “I love you” growing up (although some say it now, I love you too daddy!). In many of our homes, you would get stonewalled or isolated if you did wrong. Home is supposed to feel safe.
“You’re safe when they’re happy,” my friend said. “So, you aim to please.”
In many of our homes, we saw minimal physical affection. Some witnessed infidelity, secrets, and mind games. Siblings were introduced as “cousins” or only discovered later in life. Combined with love in the form of codependency, do most of us actually know what healthy love looks like?
FFT: As an adult, how do you show up as affectionate, transparent, and honest in your romantic life now?
Overlooking emotions
Somehow, emotions other than happiness and gratitude are unacceptable.
We bottle up the most important thoughts and engage in endless banter about what matters the least — Arsenal can’t win a match, the Netflix movie could’ve used more funding.
When you desperately need a hug or a listening ear, instead you get:
“Next time.”
“It will be fine, my dear.”
“Ashia ya.”
“God is in control.”
Or even better, in the midst of a devastating heartbreak, my friend’s mom advised her:
“This is why you keep 3 boyfriends till you get married.”
Fear, sadness, and anger are bottled up, but they trickle down to the weakest link, (typically younger siblings, junior colleagues, and women). Uncomfortable emotions + alcohol is a cocktail for disaster we’ve seen many times. [I found supporting data on domestic violence, but I don’t trust any of it.]
FFT: As an adult, can you tell when and why you’re mad? Or do you turn to numbing vices like food, alcohol, or mindless social media scrolling?
Uncomfortable emotions + alcohol is a cocktail for disaster — Photo by Shutterstock.com
Trust issues
You saw it, you lived it, you internalized it and now it’s time to unlearn it.
Don’t tell anyone you’re traveling.
Don’t eat auntie’s food even though when you get there, I will insist that you do.
Don’t tell lies.
It’s all confusing. It seems everyone has an “angle”, trying to use you before you use them. This is hard to make sense of when the same people who are “bad” show up at the house with gifts you are later instructed to throw away.
FFT: Do you trust anyone? Are you forthcoming with information or stingy with details even with those you’re trying to build a relationship with?
Scarcity mindset
Money is the prize for men, marriage is the prize for women. Obtain both by any means necessary.
Yahoo boys have entered the chat…The ones who cannot describe their line of work in one complete sentence. Most likely these days, they say something about crypto and import/export.
Attention women, no one will want you because you are “used goods” after having been engaged, married, had a child, or are over 40. (Not true.)
FFT: As an adult do you truly believe that what’s yours will be yours at a time that’s right for you?
Sexual abuse
This is a generational (and dare I say cultural) practice at this point.
Home teachers molest children under their parent’s roof. Uncles, aunts, cousins, househelps, and family friends all take part in the charade.
A guy I know lost his virginity to his older cousin at 11. Decades later, when he finally mentioned it to his older brother, he too confessed that the same woman had taken his virginity. It would be unsurprising to find out that what she did to them had been done to her. The cycle repeats itself…until it’s broken.
Unfortunately, there is a lot of shame around speaking up and a lot of victim-blaming when people do. If it happened to you, surely, there is something you did, wore, or said to tantalize the predator. Maybe you’re just “too fast”.
FFT: How do you form a healthy relationship with your body, and ultimately the gender that caused so much hurt and pain at such a young age?
Inconclusion, your childhood isn’t to blame for your shortcomings, but you’d do yourself a disservice by not looking into the narratives you grew up with and how they still influence your behavior today.
Regardless of how many disclaimers I outline, someone will inevitably be offended (hi again daddy!) but that risk is outweighed by the reward of helping — or at least validating — someone else’s truth.
This is not to say that our upbringing was “bad”. The same things holding us back in the present once served us in the past. It’s just time to shed and move along.
Maybe who you have been doesn’t fit with the culture you are in.
There is room for the culture, and also room to redefine the culture. Just because it’s always been doesn’t mean it must always be.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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You may also like these posts on The Good Men Project:
White Fragility: Talking to White People About Racism | Escape the “Act Like a Man” Box | The Lack of Gentle Platonic Touch in Men’s Lives is a Killer | What We Talk About When We Talk About Men |
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Photo credit: iStockPhoto.com