The relief on the other end of the phone was palpable. My best friend could sense — because she’d been down this road with me before — that my heartbreak over my ex was finally starting to heal. She could feel it like a shift in the wind.
Of course she was relieved for me that the worst of the pain was over, but she was equally relieved that meant this guy was almost definitely not coming back into the picture. Because she knew he was wrong for me from the start.
Your best friend always knows — even if not right away, then still before you do. And they have to watch you stumble along and make excuses and repeat unhealthy patterns and hide behind denial and give second, third, and fourth chances, all without giving their unvarnished assessment.
Even if you say you want their “honest opinion” on the relationship or your partner in particular, your best friend knows this is a flat-out lie and a trap. Their true thoughts won’t be welcome until after the breakup, and even then only once you’re out of the “reconciliation danger zone.”
But oh, you’d better believe they have been observing and taking mental notes and they have a lot to say when you’re ready to hear it. This is great news for you, because seeing your ex through the eyes of your best friend can really speed up the heartbreak recovery process.
A best friend can point out patterns where you haven’t yet seen them. They can remind you of things you said even yesterday that now feel like a lifetime ago. They can share (with compassion) what your partnership looked like to a third party, including some problematic dynamics you didn’t think anyone else picked up on. They can also probably do an SNL-worthy impersonation of your ex’s most annoying trait, and you definitely deserve to laugh about that.
Observations like these aren’t easy to hear. And they won’t be helpful to your recovery until you’ve passed at least the Denial stage of grieving your breakup. But they can help move you toward Acceptance by validating the truths about your ex and your relationship that you are slowly and reluctantly starting to see on your own.
Another great thing about a best friend is they likely knew you before this relationship, or even if not, they know and love you as an individual separate from any role you played as half of a couple. They can remind you who you are, what’s important to you, and how deserving you are of fully reciprocated, healthy love — even when you’re in a state where those things have become blurry.
So while it can be incredibly beneficial to your recovery to see an ex through your best friend’s eyes, seeing yourself through their eyes can help you even more.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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Photo credit: Priscilla Du Preez on Unsplash