Last week I read news stories about two different women, both sexually assaulted and murdered while jogging on consecutive days in different American cities.
Two radiant lives snuffed out in an instant.
Two grief-stricken families preparing to bury their daughters, sisters, and friends well before their time.
Two senseless wastes of beautiful humanity.
As I read the accounts of these seemingly random, violent attacks by apparent strangers, one question rose up and refused to be ignored. It’s a question I’ve been wrestling with for most of my adult life:
What the heck is wrong with men, anyway?
The truth is, you can find stories like this every single day without even trying. If your eyes are at all open, it’s a fairly noticeable reality that there are vile, sickening things that as a general rule, women rarely if ever do:
They don’t lie in wait to sexually assault or kill strangers.
They don’t snap, and shoot up movie theaters and shopping malls and churches.
They don’t murder spouses and lovers when they try to leave a relationship.
They don’t commit random violence against LGBTQ people.
They don’t subject strangers who pass them on the street to disgusting catcalls.
Men do these things—with alarming regularity and proficiency.
Obviously we can find anecdotal incidents in each of these cases, but the fact remains that men have a seemingly inexhaustible capacity for violence and inflicting terror on others—one that women simply can’t touch. In fact we’d be hard pressed to find any examples of wide-scale or systematic malevolence to point to, on behalf of our sisters on this planet.
Conservative strains of Christianity subscribe to a view known as Complementarianism, which assigns distinct roles and responsibilities in the world to both men and women.
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For the past twenty years as a pastor I’ve been trying to figure out why that is, and I don’t find testosterone and penises and a couple million years of caveman DNA to be compelling answers. I also don’t think that simply blaming Sin cuts it either, otherwise we’d share the load of such atrocities with women.
And oddly enough, even in the face of this clear disparity of decency, many in the Church still insist that women are the “weaker sex”.
Conservative strains of Christianity subscribe to a view known as Complementarianism, which assigns distinct roles and responsibilities in the world to both men and women. Proponents of this theory often use the Bible to justify denying women formal positions of leadership in the Church, as well as authority in the home.
Complementarianism tends to perpetuate many of the stereotypical, historical gender roles, that women should be submissive caretakers of the children and home, while men are to be the dominant, aggressive forces out there in the world. It has also formed the bedrock of the notoriously patriarchical Christian Church, used to excuse all manner of misogyny and sexism. It’s perpetuated the subjugation, abuse, and silencing of women for a few thousand years, all in the name of God. In the words of my wife, “In Complementarianism, a husband and wife are ‘equal’ until they have a disagreement—then the man is the tie-breaker. That’s not a tie-breaker!”
Not exactly equality.
Every day I see brilliant, passionate, faithful, gifted women leaders treated with such contempt and disregard by arrogant, intolerant men who claim to be Christian. I watch these guys dismiss their contributions and heap condescension upon them while using the Bible to do it. And the whole time I’m wondering why they can’t see the world that I see. I’m wondering why they don’t notice the mess we’ve made. I wonder what Jesus they’re taking a cue from.
If the abhorrent behavior of men is trying to make an argument for moral superiority, we ain’t looking’ that good, fellas. I think we need to make room at the table and the pulpit and the office, and realize that it’s been a long time coming and it’s a really good thing.
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Because ironically, the greatest argument against this elevated religious view of men—is men. We’ve created a historical body of work reprehensible enough to make Complementarianism laughable. If the abhorrent behavior of men is trying to make an argument for moral superiority, we ain’t looking’ that good, fellas. I think we need to make room at the table and the pulpit and the office, and realize that it’s been a long time coming and it’s a really good thing.
I believe women should be pastors. (They in fact, already are).
I believe they should teach men in the Church.
I believe they should be Presidents.
I believe they should have greater influence on our political process.
I believe they should have equal pay for doing the work they do.
I believe women fully reflect the character of God.
I believe these things for many reasons, but primarily because there is a decency and compassion and goodness that they bring to the table that men have proven for whatever reason, we aren’t as capable of. We need the balance of their presence to temper the worst in us. In a way that transcends easy caricature, women seem less prone to violence, less vulnerable to ego, and more measured in the face of dispute—and this is sorely needed on the planet.
I’m certainly not ashamed to be a man, but I can admit that we’ve really dropped the ball with this whole patriarchal civilization thing, that we’ve terribly imbalanced and could use a reboot. I want a less angry, less frightening, less violent world for my children.
Most of all, as a pastor, I want a Church that better reflects Jesus, and having more women stewarding its direction and shaping its future and guarding its heart is the only way there.
Check out these amazing Christian pastors, speakers, and authors who happen to be women. They inspire, educate, challenge, and encourage me daily.
Listen to them.
Nadia Bolz-Weber
Melissa Greene
Sarah Bessey
Phyllis Tickle
Anna Register
Glennon Doyle Melton
Jory Micah
Kimberly Knight
Jennifer Dickenson
Sarabeth Caplin
Bec Cranford
Alicia Crosby
Cindy Brandt
Cynthia Andrews-Looper
Rachel Held Evans
Allyson Robinson
Charissa Grace
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This article originally appeared on John Pavlovitz
Photo credit: Getty Images
Most of these comments have nothing to do with the article.
“They don’t lie in wait to sexually assault or kill strangers. They don’t snap, and shoot up movie theaters and shopping malls and churches. They don’t murder spouses and lovers when they try to leave a relationship. They don’t commit random violence against LGBTQ people. They don’t subject strangers who pass them on the street to disgusting catcalls.” No, rather they falsely accuse people of rape more than men, they abuse children more than men, female staff in juvie abuse minors more, women abuse women online more than men, and they commit DV on parity with men. It all depends… Read more »
At the risk of allowing the facts to get in the way of your thesis let me cite the following from a recent Time Magazine piece: Research showing that women are often aggressors in domestic violence has been causing controversy for almost 40 years, ever since the 1975 National Family Violence Survey by sociologists Murray Straus and Richard Gelles of the Family Research Laboratory at the University of New Hampshire found that women were just as likely as men to report hitting a spouse and men were just as likely as women to report getting hit. The researchers initially assumed… Read more »
I think you should dig a little deeper into the assumptions behind your assertions. Rates of domestic violence victimization in Canada are greater amongst men than women, and domestic violence rates are much higher amongst homosexual women couples than they are amongst heterosexual couples. Donestic violence towards children has higher rates with women as the perpetrators than men also, and every week there’s a new story of a female teacher “seducing” (never raping) a male student. As a victim of domestic violence, I find articles like this particularly disturbing. You are actively creating the blind that abusive women hide behind,… Read more »
I am going to risk that you have not looked to the overwhelming Trend of incarcerated and convicted men that came from a single parent household – i.e. why are men so f*caked up? Ask their “mother” – she was the one that 70% of the time filed for divorce – or better yet stacked a string of abusive men through the house in her search for her next ‘bad boy’ – I can’t speak for all men, but the women I had in my life during childhood, ensure that I will never permanently invite one into my house, life,… Read more »
Can someone mansplain, femsplain, or even just explain how such a man hating piece was filed under for the love of men? Shouldn’t we just have a for the hate of men section for all these articles?
There is so much wrong with this article that it’s hard to even find a place to begin. That’s like saying the sun moves around the Earth so where will it be at 3:00? It’s hard to refute something that’s built on propaganda and untruths. without first refuting the propaganda and untruths. “They don’t murder spouses and lovers when they try to leave a relationship.” First, that’s completely incorrect. Women have and do murder men who try to leave a relationship. “In fact we’d be hard pressed to find any examples of wide-scale or systematic malevolence to point to, on… Read more »
There are around 16,238 murders per year in the United States; this averages out to around 312 murders per week.Nothing is wrong with men specifically.
Nothing is wrong with men. There are individual men who do bad things and individual woman who do bad things. However, people love to bash men.
You forget that most of boys are now raised by women … and where has that gotten them? Maybe it would be a good place to start to allow more boys have DADs
Maybe an even better place to start is men encouraging other men to show up in their own children’s lives and creating tools that other dads can learn from. Right away, you framed your point as one where men are not responsible for not showing up in their kids lives. I’m sorry but at what point do men start to hold other men accountable?
When will women be held accountable for being bad mothers?
John, it hasn’t happen and nor will it happen.
Considering its deemed sexist to even suggest doing so, don’t hold your breath.
Because those same gender feminist are still framing the discussion. We’ve been fighting for the right to our children for over 25 years, yet this type of conjecture still fills the airways. Read NOWs stand on father’s rights, Look at how they’ve painted father’s rights activists as misogynist. Why? Because we want to be part of our children lives? Still, today, 85% of father’s are exiled from their children’s lives in divorce. Still, today, dads have no reproductive rights. It was those feminist organizations that created the “dead-beat dad preverication. Yet when the research was it was discovered that non-custodial… Read more »
I think GMP has always done a great job holding men accountable … article after article that point out men’s countless indiscretions and poor behaviors. Sadly, most of what’s discussed is about men as a whole rather then individuals. “What the heck is wrong with men?” Not “some” men, not “men who (fill in the blank)” but “men.” Men are encouraged to be there but we have a court system that’s more interested in the financial aspect of the dad rather then his parental rights as a dad. But “iron sharpens iron” … so what solid male influence do these… Read more »
Oh I my certainly agree that GMP holds men accountable. Where the message seems to loose steam is in the responses where most articles that ask men to be accountable are responded to with anger or a desire to instead blame women. Such as one in framing the conversation as one where women are more responsible for having multiple children with different men than men themselves are responsible for having multiple children with different women. GMP does hold men accountable. The readership? Not so much. I would safely bet that you will find more men with multiple children floating around… Read more »
@ Erin Partnerships went out the door when women decided that they should be able to abort. A partnership isn’t one person having sole and absolute decision making. It’s one thing to hold men accountable. It’s another to do it in an abrasive, unproductive, manner and it’s still another thing to do so while blatantly distorting the truth, which this article does. I don’t think that an article saying men are responsible for all the violence what’s wrong with men will really work toward positive change. How would you react to an article that said men have done all the… Read more »
Partnerships went out the door when women decided that they should be able to abort. A partnership isn’t one person having sole and absolute decision making. I assume you mean aborting pregnancies right? If so I have to disagree a bit. Partnerships went out the door around the time it was decided that men are useless if they aren’t vowing to support women. We’ve got about 2 generations of young men that largely didn’t have a father figure in their lives and instead addressing the fact that those fathers were largely pushed away we are fed a narrative that dads… Read more »
how is saying that women are to blame for the end of “partnership” any different from saying women are lazy? Thank god men aren’t to blame for the end of partnership though right?
@ Erin Calling women lazy ignores the contributions they did make, building families rather than cities. Blaming women for the end of partnerships, well that depends, how can they still be partners when one partner has all the power and 90% of the decision making? When abortion was banned, neither party had power. They were stuck with the consequences of their actions. Her to bear and raise the child and him to support it. Their roles were different, but the focus is now on this life that is created. It’s not just that men have to pay child support for… Read more »
Then let’s start by at bare minimum working with men who are trying to be in their kids lives but are being actively kept away by, you guessed it, mothers and the courts they wield as weapons.
Men are out there trying to take responsibility for their kids but are literally being kept from doing so.
Its quick to say that men aren’t being held accountable but its a lot harder to lend a helping hand to those that are trying to do so.
Men are regularly held collectively accountable.
Women are not in the same way, and Tom’s comment was an attempt to redress the balance.
Not fun being judged collectively responsible for something a few of your group have done, is it Erin?
Pretty much.
Most rape is committed by men. As a result, “Teach men not to rape” is a commonly said thing.
Most child abuse is committed by women. So when will, “Teach women not to abuse child” because a commonly said thing?
Actually, women…especially feminists….have this conversation all the time. And there is recognition that it needs to be fixed. Women do talk about this. On that note, women are often bigger care givers for children and spend more time with children than men do. So statistically, it makes sense that the number of female abusers would be larger simple because women are primary care givers. With that said, you also have to look at what kind of abuse female parents commit vs male. Not because one form of abuse is “less” then the other, but because this gives us an idea… Read more »
Actually, women…especially feminists….have this conversation all the time. And there is recognition that it needs to be fixed. Women do talk about this. By chance where are these conversations occuring? Are they happening in a secluded space? I’m asking because they dont seem to be happening in public. On that note, women are often bigger care givers for children and spend more time with children than men do. So statistically, it makes sense that the number of female abusers would be larger simple because women are primary care givers. With that said, you also have to look at what kind… Read more »
Between just having an iPad right now, and the stupid auto-refresh, it is really difficult for me to get into indepth conversations. Infact, I lost my first response to you because of the auto-refresh. But lets be honest. There isn’t anything I could say, no matter how fact based that would change your own position. And vice versa. We have different life experiences and that accounts for our different perspectives. I will just say that GMP should quite possibly stop offering any articles that ask men to look at issues other men perpetuate. Instead, the only conversation that should be… Read more »
Between just having an iPad right now, and the stupid auto-refresh, it is really difficult for me to get into indepth conversations. Infact, I lost my first response to you because of the auto-refresh. If you are on an iPad then Im guessing you use Safari to browse the internet. If so there may be a possible solution to losing your work to auto refresh. If you were using Google Chrome there is an extension called Lazarus that keeps a memory of what you were typing into a form or comment box so that even if the page is refreshed… Read more »
Sure, those topics are important to some people. But clearly they are not important to other people. And that’s what is causing the issue here. Since certain topics are not important to some people here, articles are being policed and criticized for talking about topics certain people don’t want to talk about. And then in the comment sections, discussion is redirected to what some people believe are more important matters. You brought up some of those more pressing and important matters yourself right? Well then, lets talk about what you want to talk about. Regardless of whatever topic an article… Read more »
I have to wonder why if you disagree so strongly with GMP’s message, what keeps you coming back here. But I guess the answer is because you want GMP to align with the messages you have personally deemed the most valuable to the male experiences. No because despite the issues I have with this site this place is actually closer to have the “conversation no one else is having” that most other places. Which clearly differs somewhat from what the people who created GMP believe is important content. But since that’s the case, maybe GMP should not be entitled to… Read more »
Danny – there are more than 10 other sections that discuss important issues around everything from fatherhood to sports. What discussions are happening there? The actual amount of articles that contain content around women, to me, appears to be minimal compared to the majority of the content. Unfortunately, these articles don’t appear to draw as much discussion or attention from the majority of the readership. Bring women into the discussion, and the only thing a vast majority want to talk about, is why we shouldn’t be talking about it. I get it. Your tired of being asked to care about… Read more »
Excuse me, but women are most certainly “collectively” held accountable for tons of things in society. As a woman, I know exactly how that feels and the fact that you think that I don’t, that women are exempt from “collective accountability” or judgement, tells me that you are very far removed from understanding women even though you clearly want women to understand your side. In fact, I would argue that women are forced to live with more rules and regulation for behavior than men. Women are often held to a more strict moral code while men’s behavior is often excused… Read more »
John, It is important that we understand that if we go back to the Old Testament..I prefer the Torah and Tanach myself…we see that God warned us that BOTH men and women alike were inclined to wickedness. Sure men more so throughout these books (and human history) than women, especially when speaking of violence. Further, the most rapid rise in the prison population in the US for violent crime today is from the female population. Granted it is not directed at men per se. Just a lot more violent women. So, we need to ask not just what is wrong… Read more »
I’ve been looking into this. It seems that it is not men that are inherently violent, but that women have been repressed. As women are gaining power in society, violence is going up there also. I remember seeing a laundry list of female rapist in Florida. Some actually going after per-pubescent boys, others handicapped. Our solution? When pregnancy ensues, the boys are relegated to paying child support to their rapists. I just watched a video of a woman running her boyfriend down (he was on a bicycle, so I guess they really do need a man like a fish needs… Read more »
“I’ve been looking into this. It seems that it is not men that are inherently violent, but that women have been repressed. ” I disagree. Women have always had power to abuse. Research has shown that many women who physically abuse men abuse men who will not physically defend themselves because they refuse to use violence against a woman even to save their own lives in some cases. I remember getting into an argument with a person on this site a few years back. He made a statement along the lines of women are the vast majority of victims if… Read more »
Regarding your #2 – Go to a movie and watch the audience reaction to a women slapping a man and what you’ll get is FULL support. A man hitting or slapping a women? He’s made out to be an ass wipe, scum of the earth.
There have been TV show that showed various pedestrian responses and MOST of the time, when it’s a women abusing a man, people simply walk on by.
Well stated Jules. In our society today “violence” = men but ignores female violence much less female genders part/contribution in today’s violence. And considering that most children are raised by single moms, when are we gonna hold those mothers accountable?
Warning … the following video is graphic.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MVHr-GzhLpU
@ Tom Brechlin It doesn’t just ignore female violence, it excuses it. activist know women commit just as much and some studies have found more domestic violence than men. They’ll say that well men commit more serious domestic violence thereby reclassifying (excusing) women’s violence as not violence. You can go back to my faux anti DV campaign hit a girl like a girl. Men you don’t have to stop hitting women to end DV. Just hit a girl like a girl. Would the OP agree that it would work to end DV.? I suspect not because in society women aren’t… Read more »
Women implode, men explode….and two few men like you and me raising them? Patriarchal structure was necessary for us to survive our violent history, our fragile societies before technology allowed us to move beyond just surviving. Problem is that we’ve left a long and illustrious trail of dead, broken, abandoned men in our wake. We were tools most of us, and society was moving too fast to stop, or bother to care for them. We can change everything, but only men can do that. Women can talk, but no boy that needs to hear it is going to listen. Men… Read more »
Fatherhood is the solution to what ails our boys and men. Always has been.” sums it up very well. But right now and for some time now “fatherhood” has been minimized and often times simply eliminated. Fatherless children has become the norm and not the exception. And this is the result of a progressive society that’s left men/boys in the dust. We have no “lions den” but instead a lioness den where the lions are not allowed.
Patriarchal structures were the cause of our violent history and oppression of groups of people. In all honesty, patriarchal didn’t have to mean the oppression of other groups of people or violence. But it would have required that men thought about the needs of all people and led with respect and integrity. That however did not happen. So don’t claim that a patriarchal structure and history of disempowerment for other groups of people was about protecting from a violent history.
Too man y guys are insecure, f*cked up hypocrites! Period!
And who made them that way?
@ D. Nelson
And I think you’re a hate filled misandrist. Hope that helps.