Aleasa Word urges parents of boys to stop raising broken men.
When you ask a woman what she envisions when she thinks about a man’s relationship with his mother, most of us can instantly relate to the secret hope we have that it’s not “one of those” relationships. The word “those” indicates what appears to be an unhealthy connection between an overgrown male child and his mother who allows him to hang on attached to her hip for dear life. No woman wants to be the one who has to get between him and his mama!
Many women have spoken out about how many so-called protective mothers have thought they loved their sons but have instead ruined their sons. And though there may be plenty of “those” parents, there are also some mothers who may have missed the mark when protecting their sons from the world itself or absent fathers who have scarred them by lack of presence whether physical or emotional. It’s no secret that ignoring your son and expecting him to figure it all out is just as bad as smothering him.
Don’t get me wrong THERE ARE A WHOLE LOT OF GREAT MOTHERS AND FATHERS and to them I take my hat off. There are however, many who, for lack of understanding, are handicapping their sons and leaving gaping scars in their emotional body. When life-challenged boys grow into men:
- They limp along with gashes in their hearts trying to survive as the provider or head of a home.
- They can’t provide or be the head of anything because they don’t possess the tools or skillset to do so and—for lack of practice—not even the desire to learn.
- Simple things like changing a tire on a car, cutting the grass, tying a tie, fixing a toilet, working a 12 hour shift or any of the other things we traditionally think a man can do just don’t get taught to them and make them feel like failures.
- They’re unable to articulate emotion or control impulses whether sexual or angry in nature and don’t respect women who are the portal from which they came.
This may sound like I’m bashing men and their mothers but quite the contrary. A person can’t stop doing what they don’t know is hurting someone. However, know that if we build habits of inconsistency, manipulation, fearfulness and sometimes even laziness into our children they grow up to be adults with these same problems. Men are the strength of the family and it’s time for us to help them build the muscle. We all love a man who can be just that A MAN – so, the question is, why are we creating a broken society of them?
Agreed or not, there are social norms in place we’re conditioned to believe should be there based on gender. And for the naysayers, just because we may not all agree does not mean that it isn’t so. Little girls are still brought up to feel their man needs to protect and provide for them. Provision does not always mean financial—but also emotional means and overall protection. But when a man doesn’t meet these criteria, his manhood is threatened and he feels less than! How do we fix it?
- Mothers, let your boys be boys – your guilt over dads who are absent physically or mentally is killing their ability to explore the natural tendencies of men. You can’t undo what daddy did, just do what you can do.
- Fathers, take a look at your own scars and look back at the things you struggled with – do you want your son to do the same? Face your own reality!
- Teaching your son to wash clothes and cook won’t make him less of a man but instead self-sufficient so he does not become a burden to or a victim of a society that can take advantage of him.
- No matter how much you love your son – mothers you are not a man and he needs SOLID male mentors, so it’s your responsibility to find them if dad is not stepping up.
- Know that even the best male role model is NOT A REPLACEMENT for his natural father, just a help.
- Stop stifling aggression unless it’s out of control. Boys are naturally more aggressive than girls, taking away sports where they can work it off is not punishment, it handicaps them.
- Keep the balance. There is a big difference between protecting them from the world’s evils and not letting them find their way. Only stay close enough in case they need you.
Men don’t want to feel inadequate or insignificant. Whether at work or in relationships where they can’t be a significant team member or head of the household, there is a feeling of incompleteness. People who feel incomplete often seek out things or other people to make them feel complete. When raising your own sons think of the men in your life. What qualities would you want in a man you date that you can work to instill in your own son? Or for fathers, what quality do you feel you lack in yourself that you know you SHOULD instill in your own son so he doesn’t have the same feelings you do? It’s time to stop breaking our sons who become broken men and break society!