Ed Tejirian questions the line between gay and straight and how it relates to relationships.
In 2011, the heaviest taboos connected with being gay have been lifted. Nevertheless, the cultural boundary line between “gay” and “straight” seems as definitive as ever, at least for men. I don’t think these categories of identity give us an accurate picture of male sexual feeling.
In the late 1970s, Frank, a young married man, came to me for psychotherapy because he thought he might be possessed by the devil. A dream in which he was having sex with his best friend was the key to discovering the meaning of the devil obsession—his desire for a sexual relationship with a man. The fear of possession soon evaporated. Although Frank and his friend acknowledged their mutual attraction, both pursued sexual relationships with women.
Back in the mid-1990s, I was teaching a graduate course in adolescent psychology at a public university in New York City. Most of my students were already teaching; their average age was mid to late 20s, with a few in their 50s. I had my graduate students read and write reaction papers to my book, Sexuality and the Devil: Symbols of Love, Power, and Fear in Male Psychology. The book contained Frank’s story, as well as chapters dealing with the relation between sexuality and culture. Several students, in their reaction papers, either hinted at or quite candidly told of experiencing some degree of same-sex feeling. I decided to ask them—gently and without pressure—in their subsequent reaction papers, if they had experienced same-sex attractions. They could say as much or as little as they wished on the subject.
In four different groups of students across four semesters, 25 of 74 women (33 percent) and 24 out of 56 men (42 percent) reported experiencing some degree of same-sex feeling or had an actual sexual experience with someone of the same sex (after the age of 16). Virtually all of them were aware that their same-sex feelings were disapproved of by society. Some women had shared these feelings with female friends or even boyfriends, but none of the men had told anyone about them except me. By all outward appearances, all the men fell into the normal range of what is socially considered “masculine.” Their public identification was heterosexual, while a few—privately to me—called themselves bisexual.
Here’s what some of the men in my classes told me:
Fred’s first awareness of a sexual response to another male was to an image of Michaelangelo’s “David” in a college art history class. He wrote, “For a while I was actually in my own reality and allowed myself to be turned on.” Sometimes, while having sex with his fiancée, images of perfect male bodies came into his mind. Echoing Frank’s feelings about his best friend, he said, “Everybody, regardless of gender, has looked at a close friend of the same sex with a little more than love, respect, and admiration.” But he saw no way to act on or reveal such feelings without being labeled and rejected as “homosexual.”
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Jason had recently been in a threesome with a woman and a male friend. Although nothing directly happened between him and his male friend, he felt emotionally close to him and felt a desire for something more. Jason did not know how to make this happen and asked himself, “Why I can’t take away the girl and just have something with the guy?”
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Charlie said, “I consider myself to be bisexual because I love both males and females, and if I ever feel like being physically close to a male and he’s open to it I will do it.” Although he said he had never felt the desire to have intercourse with a male, the night before we were to have an interview as a follow-up to his reaction paper, Charlie had a dream in which he was taking the “dominant” or “top” role in intercourse with another man. Two things are noteworthy here: prior to the dream, Charlie described himself—for the first time—as “bisexual,” one of the few “sexual identity” terms our culture provides. As with Frank, his dreaming self was ahead of his waking self in creating a scene of sexual intimacy with a man that he had not been quite ready to acknowledge a desire for.
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Brad had never had any sexual feelings about a man before college. But in college, he found people in a gay chat room to be friendly and struck up a friendship with another man, via the Internet. He said, “I kind of fell in love with him.” Their relationship culminated with Brad coming to orgasm while imagining performing oral sex on his cyber-friend.
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During college, Gary and another man struck up a friendship. The other man, who was gay, wrote Gary a letter telling him he was in love with him. Initially, Gary thought of breaking off the friendship. However, the warmth between them was such that they eventually had sex together. Gary met the woman who would became his fiancée in my class that semester.
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My students’ confidences demonstrated that some degree of sexual feeling between men is common enough to make it a normal aspect of male psychology. It is consistent with a core sense of a male self and occurs, as in my class, in men whose identities are heterosexual. My assumption is that in any group there are a fair number of men who experience some degree of same-sex feelings. But in the wider culture, in contrast to my students’ communications to me, they have learned to keep these thoughts and feelings to themselves.
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Ed Tejirian, Ph.D. is a therapist in New York City and the author of Male to Male: Sexual Feeling Across the Boundaries of Identity. Check out his website.
does it appeal to any guys out there straight, bi or gay to have another give complete respect to their dick. I mean, groom it, massage it–a little–wash it, bathe it and massage cream into the pubic area. Basically a facial for the crotch. Would guys appreciate that sort of thing, straight guys especially and how do you let them know you enjoy giving this
Email me.
Would it be wrong of me to be willing to experiment on guys while I am dating a girl?
im a straight male who developed a crush on a close freind and one night we were drinking in my garrage and i noticed my freinds partialy swollen member through his levis and i lost it i purposely let him catch me staring at his bulge he left to use the bathroom returning with a partially un buttoned fly i hesitated and he said it was ceazy cause he was getting mairied next month and he left without us doing anything id fantasized about intimate involvemeant between us happening for allmost a year then i froze as it was unfolding… Read more »
im a straight male who developed a crush on a close freind and one night we were drinking in my garrage and i noticed my freinds partialy swollen member through his levis and i lost it i purposely let him catch me staring at his bulge he left to use the bathroom returning with a partially un buttoned fly i hesitated and he said it was ceazy cause he was getting mairied next month and he left without us doing anything id fantasized about intimate involvemeant between us happening for allmost a year then i froze as it was unfolding… Read more »
It is a blurred line. When I became separated from my wife, I was too ambivalent about female relationships, but I also had a sex drive. I was never that attracted to men, at least that’s what I thought, but I finally decided to experiment. I answered a few ads on craigslist, weeded out the creeps, and found someone who seemed normal, intelligent and fun. We went out for drinks twice, and the second time we started kissing. It was nice. We went back to his place, and it was the first time I had ever been with a man.… Read more »
i am a mature male and am recently rediscovering my gay tendencies, lying dormant for nearly half a century. I engaged in sexual relationships with my classmates while i was a teenager but due to social ostracizing, gave it up and got married and produced two kids. They are married and gone. I am divorced.
i would like to have a homosexual relationship with a slightly younger male and would like to be sub servient to him.can someone help
Email me
Email me
I had sex with three of my friends after I got super drunk they all fucked me bare!
I would love to be a bottom man
24 age for new look
Dude… I don’t know how u gays.. going to react to it.. but I like to tell u that I am a gym instructions who good looking straight gay..But during work out.. many straight gay.. who come sometime accidentally the touch my cock… I feel OK… It’s happen.. But some of gay really wants to touch my cock. And want to suck. My cock. Few of them ask me to have a sex with them … This Male gay also offer a money to me the to have sex with them…..
Guys, sometimes, I feel guilty, I have confusion on my sexual orientation, I have never made sex with a girl neither di I have a feeling for them, but I have made sexual intercourse with about 35 straight guys who all accepted me top them.I don’t sex gays but straight guys who have their own girl friends and they find joy with it as they are the one who call me the next day.Sometimes I feel guilty that I am evil and call upon God to deliver me from my sexual orientation but in vain. The bizarre thing I am… Read more »
I want to know how you would feel if w
e had a couple drinks and \explored. If you get me hot I will want to fuck you maybe trying some touching let me finger you. You suck me till I am hard get it wet I fuck you till we both are satisfied
Like that!!!
How to come out of such homosexual feelings?? Is there way for that or will it ends along with the life? Ans me please
Only a man knows how he wants his dick sucked. If your married or in a relationship You find yourself to many times with your dick in your hand feeling so fustrated . On the fly a chance encounter. A young hard body. knowing what each wants. It can cum out real good.
I highly doubt “straight” men will ever come out and admit their real sexual feelings for other men..I was in high school where other boys got grossed out by the mere fact that two boys were really close…Now I’m in college and some of these guys text & call me-saying that they love me..
I think about it sometimes I get hard. women get what they can get and gone. I think about penetrating a nice tight ass where we both are not in a hurry. I ride you till with my dick in you You cum , With your dick just waiting for attention I want to give it some. You suck me I get excited. You take me inside how great it feels. I want to try it once.
Like that
Thank you for this article. I’m so sick of hearing about how women are so sexually fluid when in reality it is mostly the men that are toggling back and forth between sexes. They are just “discrete” about it so no one knows. Just like in this article: women were more open with there experiences but the men told no one and it was the men who had more same sex experiences then the women!
MM and Karla, I just found out my fiance actually has butt fucked men….he said it was an addiction and easier then women because he never had luck and someone introduced him to it. If you can i would like to know how you guys are dealing with this. We went to a psychologist but i’m worried if he will cheat on me in the future like the man above who now wants a relationship with his coworker (no offense, glad your being honest, don’t cheat on your wife! Let her know, she has a right to know ). He… Read more »
Its true men are just easier to sleep with and dont require money, dates, time, emotional connection like women do .He wont cheat. Men are just sexual. Just because he had sex with a man in the past doesnt mean anything. A lot of women think that being with a bisexual man means more competition because lets face it women are possessive and too jealous but its not true. If a man wants to cheat he will regardless of his sexuality but once we find the women we want to be with Nothing else matters
I am a third year student in Integrated Human physiology and Molecular Medicine… From what I have heard above about anal sex, I anal sex is really unhealthy ( gay or not) it has long-term effects: In your late ages your rectal muscle might be non-functional, you increasing chances of getting rectal cancer et cetera. So, it is really abnormal (biologically/scientifically) to have anal sex. My friend (doing masters) in Genetics and Integrative Human Biosciences once told me that Homosexuality is actually the result of an abnormal structuring (mutation) in one of the sexual chromosomes which then distorts the sexual… Read more »
I would like to try to defuse some of the language here, and add comment. I would need to know the incidence of relaxed “rectal muscle” after a lifetime of the effects of defecation without anal sex, and its lack of incidence for those who practice anal sex, to then compare its incidence for those who do practice anal sex. As well, if an increased chance of getting cancer is sufficient to indicate an activity is “abnormal” then we must be sure to characterize cigarette smoking as abnormal, and myriad other activities would also qualify, such as consuming pan-fried meat,… Read more »
Hello everyone, I am currently in a relationship with my boyfriend with whom I live, we have been together for almost a year, recently I made a disturbing discovery, I went onto his skype account and found sexual conversations with about 3 different guys and a girl, when I confronted him, he confessed that he had done it about 2 or 3 times only for about 2 weeks, he then explained to me that he was just curious and that a lot of guys do that for curiosity, but I am devastated, I do not know what to do, I… Read more »
Hi Karla, I just read this. I was trying to research the same thing, only my fiance had been doing it for TWO YEARS. Chatting through Craigslist, with guys and girls. He claims that he was curious because it had never happened to him before, and I am sure too many movies make it seem like having that done to them won’t hurt or feel good. He had never really thought about that before, but honestly, it still grosses the hell out of me and makes me see him a little differently. He also understands he has a serious sex… Read more »
Dont leave him. Some men experiment. It means nothing. It actually makes him a better lover for you because he had a chance to experience both sides of sexual energies. Never tell anyone and keep it between you guys and this will form a deeper emotional bond in your relationship. Forget about what the world says and just love your man.
Um like Carlos. Such limited perspective in the sense I feel it’s necessary to lay clear other pespectives. Imagine this, if a man loves you and if you are enough for him, then why the f*** would he be on skype looking and “experimenting” with people. The good question here is to ask yourself how you feel about the situation, refer back to the boudaries you have set (hopefully) when the relationship have started (otherwise, it is time to, if you wish to continue the relationship). They are important rules cause if either has done wrong, you can be assured… Read more »
very nice comments
I’m a Cancer Im married with about 4 or 5 kids but I still have the OVERWHELMING attraction to my best friend! Who I’m not sure if he feels the same way. What should I do? My feelings for him go BEYOND FRIENDSHIP but I’m totally CONFUSED about this because of the fact that I’m a married man with kids and i have other responsibilities but my attraction for him is REAL. We’re in the same industry so we find ourselves taking trips together which makes our bond even CLOSER, plus it gets me out-of-town away from all of the… Read more »
If your married, it kind of does make you a bad person. Perhaps you should tell her, and let her decide if she still wants to remain married to you, or find move on with her life while she still can and find someone who will truly appreciate her. I’m not saying having thoughts about a guy is wrong, just if your in a relationship it is, it’s wrong to have thoughts like that about anyone. Maybe once your wife and you separate, then you should consider talking with your friend.
That’s a tough one. Technically you would be cheating on your wife (I suppose a moral issue). You don’t mention if he’s married or heterosexual in your blog. If he is both it would make the situation a whole lot easier. I say that because if he’s homosexual he would be more inclined to go “public” with your relationship and your marriage would be terminated or ruined. If he’s heterosexual, you two could enjoy each other sexually on out of town trips with the understanding that “I won’t tell your wife and you won’t tell mine”, a pact that would… Read more »
Has anyone contemplated writing an article about a bunch of gay men to see if they have any attraction to women. As a completely 100% gay male, the very thought makes me shudder. Furthermore, I’m not interested in a 100% complete straight male’s perspective as to the function of the anus. From a gay male perspective, it indeed is designed for sex. Moreover, straight men do butt fuck, so please leave your fecal matter out of it. More straight people spread STD’s and have contracted AIDS worldwide, so please stop saying male to male attraction is not normal because of… Read more »
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This is an honest question, from someone who thinks very anatomically/ scientifically/ organically –– should it be natural to mix genitalia and fecal matter? Based on my knowledge, most of today’s sexually transmitted infections stem from this kind of sexual contact, causing me to question if such is meant to be ‘natural.’ Not to mention, the strain of rectum muscles required for homosexual intercourse contrasted with the anatomic makeup of the female genitalia –– tissue –– is something that, I believe, should raise more questions about our reproductive/ sexual design. Is male same-sex attraction something to be embraced or snuffed (on… Read more »
I don’t believe that it is true that you get STIs through fecal matter, I think it’s when you have sex with a person of any gender and fail to use a condom, dental dam, etc. I think maybe you think it’s icky so you don’t want to believe that male-male attraction is “natural”.
What should be emphasized is that fecal matter is very bad in the vagina or the mouth. There are a few men who don’t believe this (or get carried away) and have infected partners. Also, it’s worth considering that the lower colon and anal area are extremely vascular (many blood vessles.) The mission of the colon is to reincorporate moisture, in fact. This is a partial explanation for why the AIDS rate has been higher among gay men and in Africa, where anal intercourse is used for birth control. I was aware as early as 1979 that dental dams and… Read more »
Please don’t think that being ‘gay’ means liking anal sex. I have considered myself to be ‘gay’ my whole life yet didn’t like the idea of anal sex until well into my 20’s. I was strictly oral, preferring oral ‘bottom’. Since sexuality is strictly in ones head, the genitals are secondary. It’s the emotional and sexual drive combined that, in my opinion, define one’s sexual orientation, not the specific position/act. Overall, I feel that labels only confuse the issue. After hitting 40 recently, I now feel that labeling myself as ‘gay’, ‘straight’ or ‘bi-sexual’ only serve to limit my mind… Read more »
Thank you. This is probably THE best article I’ve read here since I started following some months ago. In response to the question on the home page header – can a man find another man sexually attractive and still be straight? – my answer would be, well what is ‘straight’? If the definition of straight is that a person has never felt any type of attraction to or for a person, or image of a person, of the same sex…then I guess they cannot. If the definition is exclusive of attraction and only focuses on sexual ACTS, then sure, why… Read more »
The line between gay and straight seems blurry today because it has ALWAYS been an artificial, arbitrary construct, not a boundary between two absolute categories. Gay and straight are not biological divisions or scientifically grounded distinctions. The whole separation between heterosexual and homosexual is a cultural construct much more common in the West under the Judeo-Christian tradition than in other cultures. I’m not saying no other culture has ever made this distinction, but that distinction would have seemed really weird to the ancient Greeks and Romans, for example. In classical Greece, certain kinds of sex between men were considered perfectly… Read more »
Thanks for this article. It reflects my experience and what I thought were men’s experiences in general. While I support the progress the women’s movement and gay movement have made, I think one setback has been how men feel and interact with other men. There is a certain fear in men expressing the true nature of their feelings for other men. Or society is so quick to label. The full panoply of feelings men feel for each other should be celebrated rather denigrated for it is the source of real kinship…remember Plato?!?!?!
Yes, but Plato was also penis-in-anus level of gay. Men having sex with men in addition to this ‘kinship’ and camaraderie you’re referring to was just part of life in ancient Greece.
I don’t think men are at the level in society yet where that level of openness is allowed or appreciated. Men kissing other men in public is still ‘shocking’ in most parts of the country, if not still ‘illegal’ on the books.
Such an appropriate response. I’m sure most people won’t agree with you: “The truth is the Light.”
Sure. I’ve had this happen about twice since puberty. Probably not since I was in my early twenties. This was more a gestalt effect and didn’t contain sexual imagery. It was different somehow than my reactions to the charismatic leader type of guy (I had a few of those too in the radical movements of the sixties-seventies.) My male sexual attractions were more like my attractions to women. Generally, when I meet an attractive woman, I don’t have erotic imagery that’s specific right away either. When I worked in psychiatric nursing in the 1970s, though, we’d occasionally get men who’d… Read more »