Kenny Bodanis has a relationship with Valentine’s Day that can best be summed up as “It’s complicated.”
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In grade school, I would get physically and emotionally charged for Valentine’s Day. On February 14th, I would anxiously stuff three or four heart-laden cards in my backpack, where they would secretly remain until recess. Once we were released from our desks at 10:20am, for ten minutes of peeing, fresh air, and mayhem, those cards would be slipped under the hinged desktops of the small handful of girls I had crushes on.
Then, I’d wait.
I’d wait for a sly smile and hopefully a crumpled note slipped my way during the late-morning session, confirming the mutual admiration of at least one of the girls targeted during my fishing expedition of love. If my feelings were reciprocated, we would agree to be boyfriend/girlfriend for at least one solid school week. After that period, though I can’t really remember why, the relationship would mutually dissolve during a round of hopscotch or jump-rope.
There were years when I received no response at all, or worse, a note which read: “Kenny, I like you, but not as much as I like Ritchie.”
Shit. That sucks.
I assumed things would be simpler as I grew older. Surely the Valentine’s Day pressure put on guys would lessen as we matured into the idea of gimmickry.
Nope.
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Throughout my teens and twenties it was always a mad dash to the pharmacy to find the right combination of chocolates, hearts, cards and flowers which would a) be unique enough to not look like I had just made a mad dash to the pharmacy (nothing like a basket of condoms and Valentine’s Day chocolates to outline your hopes for the rest of the day to a middle-aged cashier), and b) be inexpensive enough to not have to make a fake twenty dollar deposit to the instabank to pay for the thing, only to feign ignorance when the bank called the next day (Oh, really? There was no money in the envelope? I was sure I had put the check in there. I’ll be by as soon as possible to correct the problem, and be sure to never defraud a financial institution again in the name of love).
I never questioned why, for the first thirty years of my life, I was never treated to flowers, or chocolates, or a card (or a box of condoms) on Valentine’s Day.
The twentieth century custom of material demonstrations of romance was placed on the shoulders of boyfriends and husbands. It’s my guess this will slowly change as we inch into the twenty-first century. Certainly the maturity and progressive role-modeling on display at the Dad 2.0 Summit confirms men have a sensitivity and need for romancing which has been long neglected.
Valentine’s Day gift giving among parents often favored the stay-at-home mom as a way of recognizing the unsung labors of childcare and managing and maintaining a household. I can only assume stay-at-home dads will today be on the receiving end of similar symbols of affection. That custom should trickle over to office dads as well, as the trickery of balancing corporate careers and hands-on parenting becomes recognized.
Valentine’s Day gift-giving among couples without children also favors women. Why is that? If you think men don’t like to be romanced; try it, and see what happens.
My daughter’s birthday is February 14th — she’s 6 today. People have consistently commented how unfortunate she is to have her birthday jumbled on top of Valentine’s Day.
I am grateful, on behalf of her future boyfriends (as well as her current one, whom she likes because he’s cute, and so small she can pick him up) who will not have the stress of trying to figure out how to out-do their out gift-giving from one “important” date to another.
My wife’s birthday was yesterday. With two family birthdays crowded around the “most romantic day of the year”, we give each other a pass on Valentine’s Day.
Romance is best manifested by surprises and unexpected displays of affection, towards both men and women. To be worthy of romance, you certainly don’t need a reminder on a calendar, an emergency trip to a pharmacy, or to have ovaries.****
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Photo: karenhorton / flickr
That last paragraph pretty much nails it, Kenny!
Yes. Romance is an unexpected surprise – like a tickle in the dark.
The men I’ve Valentined like this type of romance very much.
There isn’t a ton of advice out there for *how* to romance a man, though. I know what I find romantic, and know what a lot of my female peers find romantic, but roMANce is still kind of a mystery. Do the same gifts – chocolate, flowers, jewelry, underwear – translate over to the other sex? And of COURSE I know it’s not going to be the same for every man, just like it’s not the same for every woman, but surely there must be some common ground or some good starting places. Unless you guys secretly just want flowers… Read more »
Hey KKZ,
I do agree, men do not communicate what they would consider romantic. I think that is largely due to conditioning. One of the big failings in relationships is one partner rarely boldly and plainly asks the other: “What turns you on?”, or “What do you find romantic?”. If they shrug off the answer (as I know men do sometimes), I guess you just have to go for it and turn it into trial and error – which seems exactly like what you’re doing.
I think “What do you find romantic?” should be preceded by a different question – is romance important to you? Because while love and romance seem inseparable, I think plenty of people are capable of loving their partners very deeply but don’t value romantic gestures. Or to them, a romantic gesture is something like grabbing lunch together in the middle of the workday, not roses and wine. I can’t help thinking of the Five Love Languages book. I’ve never gotten my husband to read it or to take the assessment at the end, but my educated guess is that his… Read more »
I agree, I always thought guys don’t LIKE romance. Flowers? Do men like flowers? Honestly I’ve never met a guy who showed the slightest interest in flowers. Chocolate? That might be a good one. Guys like chocolate. Unfortunately, my boyfriend is diabetic. Card? Well, I always get a card. But 99% of Valentine’s cards are so schmaltzy that they would make any normal guy run as fast as he could in the other direction.
To be honest, I’m not really big on flowers either – I don’t like the idea of spending a lot on something that wilts, dies, and gets thrown away. That’s part of the reason I didn’t do flower centerpieces at my wedding, only bouquets and boutonierres. Of course, I never reject a gift of flowers, but I’m also sort of against the assumption that because I have ovaries, I like flowers. (Chocolate, on the other hand….) I wouldn’t be surprised if what Sarah and I have expressed here is a pretty common attitude with women – that we would LOVE… Read more »
There isn’t a ton of advice out there for *how* to romance a man, though. I know what I find romantic, and know what a lot of my female peers find romantic, but roMANce is still kind of a mystery.
to romance, is to seduce the mind, in my view. so roMANce [very clever kkz :-)] , would be what you personally do (activities, behaviour, clothes etc) to seduce your husband
As a degree-holder in Creative Writing, I can never resist a chance for a play on words. I really like your definition, Jamesq. It’s so simple and yet so easy to overlook/forget the role of seduction in a long-term relationship, since it’s often though of as part of courtship, a means to an end, rather than a lifelong process. While my husband is away on business we’ve taken to flirty/dirty texts to keep that romantic connection going over a distance. The only bummer is all that buildup for a delayed payoff. I could never do a long-distance relationship for that… Read more »
I always made a deal out of Valentine’s day for my boyfriends. And, this year my husband will be receiving not one card but two, a lovely box of chocolates, plus a surprise.
But, I was the only woman I saw at Hallmark and Neuhaus today.
I guess I’m an exceptional exception!
Guess what, Audrey:
This morning, though I assumed we were ignoring Valentine’s Day, my wife gave me a red rose. I was touched…the joke’s on me!
Hear, Hear! More women should be out romancing men! Personally, I love doing the romancing- it’s a lot of fun planning romantic gestures for the one you love.
Agree. Where’s the love at for the men?
seconded. ive not heard that gay men and gay women do not romance their partners. so if gay women do, there is no reason why cant hetero women