Or, as Sintong Gaspari prefers to call it, “Sperms of Endearment.”
I am an evil gay man as expressed by many of peers in the community after the ‘release’ of The Year of Drinking Dangerously. I am a pariah who needs to be charged with treason for the ‘inaccurate’ description of the social status-quo of our beloved Rainbow clan. They should send that petition to the LOGO channel.
Moving on, I am happy to announce the new friendship I have fostered with a straight man. His name is Alexei, a Russian Immigrant who lives nearby a gay bar I frequent every Friday after work.
It is one of those friendships that developed over time because when I first met Alex, he was a total douchebag who insulted me.
It happened one Friday Night.
I was at that bar, as drunk as how I like to imagine Mel Gibson had been when he found out Natalie Portman was born in Jerusalem.
I was having what I refer to as a Tatum-O-Neal moment, which is every time a Friday night’s drinking binge peaks too soon followed by verbal abuse that can lead to self –destruction.
The verbal abuse came from a Mary Kate Olsen look alike with bulging Adam’s Apple who, out of nowhere, came up to me and said “Have you called Jenny yet?”
What the fuck.
I decided to leave because I don’t like confrontations. I didn’t want Tatum-O-Neal to become Tantrum-O-Neal.
The bartender, whom I like very much, apologized to on Mary Kate’s behalf and threatened to kick him out.
As I left the bar and turned the corner to the subway station, Alexei was standing in front of a bodega.
Our eyes met.
He said, “You wanna suck my cock don’t you, Marie?”
What the fuck.
Am I on Joan Rivers’ candid camera?
I smirked and said “Well that’s kind of what I am doing right now…” while looking at his crotch.
I politely apologized post catty remark and told him that I didn’t want any trouble and I just wanted to go home.
“Where is home? Vienna, Austria?”
I then realized that I was wearing my favorite shirt that says I HEART MARIE ANTOINETTE and I was so glad that this scruffy looking Metallica-hair stranger knew of Marie’s native country, Austria.
A country I have grown to love in recent years.
I started laughing and crying and shouting and I went on and on about the injustice that befell upon Marie Antoinette.
“Imagine you as a 14 year-old girl who is forced to marry a French Dauphin who orders you to fix your teeth without anesthesia prior to the handover to look somewhat more presentable. The fucking Prince doesn’t even fuck you for the first 7 years of the doomed marriage then they chop your head off for having a little orgy and buying some Chanel? I don’t think so!”
Alexei just stared at me and then he burst out laughing.
We ended up hanging out that night over coffee and cigarettes and exchanged numbers and we became friends ever since.
We hang out once in a while and do happy hour together while sharing our life experiences and we get each other.
We are both recovering alcoholics so we try not to bar hop too often. I have an obligation to keep Kitty Dukakis’ legacy alive I tell him and he agrees with me.
Alexei is a nice decent guy who likes hanging out with me and who doesn’t care that I am chubby and awkward and doesn’t tell me to go on a Jenny Craig diet.
How’s that for acceptance?
I have a tiny habit of watching Terms of Endearment from under my bed while eating a jar of Nutella in a fetal position every time I am having a depressing time.
I said to Alexei one day when I thanked him for his friendship
Dude, we are sperms of endearment. Well, the only difference is that yours will someday make a charming baby and mine will end up on a piece of Charmin’.
Good people who live in a fucked up world but deep down are willing to give people a chance and keep the hope going.
So cheers to us and to many sperms of endearment out there!
To which he responded,
“Dude, have you seen that movie Penelope? So Christina Ricci has a pig snout as a curse and it will go away when a guy falls in love with her despite that nasty nose!! you should see it, it makes think of you because it’s like you’re Penelope except the pig snout is your entire being…”’
What the fuck.
Where can I rent a guillotine?