Questioning someone’s right to be in a public restroom is a form of bullying.
I was at a day long “anti-bullying” conference in a decent sized auditorium. These events have several intermissions to refill one’s coffee and to let go of some of the same, earlier ingested. I was in an aisle seat and was able to get up and out to the bathroom quite expeditiously. Although there were no free stalls, there was also no line. I waited. Here’s where I admit my own mistake. I had made a wildly erroneously assumption, this being an alleged anti-bullying gathering, that there would be some allies, some open-minded attendees, a morsel of 20th if not yet 21st century awareness of diversity, some indication or suggestion or acknowledgment of people other than heterosexual, Caucasian, Judeo-Christian cisgenders.
The door opened and through it along with the sounds of the crowd mingling in the foyer came six, maybe seven people. I looked at them. They looked at me, then each other, and the last one literally walked backwards several paces, re-opened the bathroom door and melodramatically craned their neck out and around to see which of the binary symbols was on the outside of the door. This passive-aggressive act was intended to convey that one of us had somehow entered the “wrong” restroom.
People seem to experience great terror when someone they won’t identify properly needs to use a restroom. And because of this refusal to educate themselves, other people suffer. We conceive of this behavior and the jealous protecting of the sacred space of toilets as “litterbox guarding.”
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I am 49 years old. I honestly cannot even count the times during the past 46 years that I have been intentionally intimidated and demeaned in this manner, in this setting. The problem is Western culture, with its extraordinary adamance that everything needs to be forced into binary models. General population thus far refuses to accept all empirical data to the contrary. Other cultures have a much healthier understanding of a spectrum on which we can all live. What does this mean? Well, academically, we’re talking about “intersectionality.” In the real world, we’re talking about transphobia: bullying, abuse, violence, hate, fear and harm done to those who are “gender-non-conforming.” This dangerous mindset leads to those whom society can’t conveniently identify as being either female or male (which is because some folk are neither) being extinguished. This is fact. It happens in circumstances just exactly like the one I am describing to you. People seem to experience great terror when someone they won’t identify properly needs to use a restroom. And because of this refusal to educate themselves, other people suffer. We conceive of this behavior and the jealous protecting of the sacred space of toilets as “litterbox guarding.”
On with the account. I was in a position where there were I, and about 8 other people in the limited confines of the public restroom. I felt uncomfortable, a little anxious, wondering which response—if any—to offer. Under these conditions, I am the object of attention. That makes The Others an audience. I am also a professional, I do not know who these people are, but it is possible that they are people with whom we network. So I need to be careful. And safe. Due to those considerations, I did not offer any response. I went into the vacant stall. Then I came out. Usually I engage in a short internal dialogue about whether or not it is safe to stay and wash my hands, or whether to get out of there asap. I stay. I wash my hands,. I keep an eye in the mirror on what the other occupants are doing and where they are standing. I have been cornered before. Lots of times. Patronized, taunted, poked, in other words people like to bully me. So I do pay attention. I have to. This experience is not one that I enjoy. It is not one that anyone ought to be describing. But since the opportunity was presented and I accepted, please, if you see a person that doesn’t meet your expectations, can you please make a mental note of that, and try and appreciate that variety is supposed to be the spice of life, not the kiss of death.
Read more stories of Assumed Identity on The Good Life.
Image credit: Sustainable sanitation/Flickr
My network keeps going down. Silly Boy – why do you (twice) use the word ‘march’? Do you think that women are an invading army? Thank you for proving my point.
My computer’s playing up. Back later. Liberal feminist; never been a radical feminist.
I don’t want communal toilets. I don’t like predatory drunk men, and men’s toilets stink. The women’s room is a sanctuary when you want a breath of fresh air, metaphorically and literally. Women cry there with other women.
I know that if I were transgender, I would use the ‘ladies”, because I for one would rather walk into a room of mostly poodles, than a room of mostly rottweilers.
I don’t like predatory drunk men, and men’s toilets stink. yes so damn predatory, so damn dangerous that women regularly march into the bloody men’s toilet in nightclubs, bars – unless of course our male eyes have been lying to us. and what we men do, we just accept it with good grace. and how would YOU know that men’s toilets stink ? perhaps youve been a cleaner, or know one, or men have reported that state to you? or maybe you too have marched into our toilets, with the inherent rights of the ruler. I know that if I… Read more »
Well the obvious solution are coed bathrooms -which I can support provided that : a) stalls become closets with walls and doors that touch the ground b) and urinals are in those closets: We don’t need our female colleagues seeing us and thinking “oh look at that, xyz has his penis out, he won’t mind if I ask him about those TPS reports”. c) we go all in equally, no coed bathrooms for all with a few women only bathrooms reserved for the uneasy -which is the usual way these things get implemented btw. d) while we’re at it, let’s… Read more »
This post is a wake-up call for privileged people like me, who have never experienced these terrors associated with such exercising such a basic human function that must be carried out multiple times daily. Where to start in making the world safer? I’m working on raising more self-awareness and consciousness about my own language. I feel very nervous and awkward approaching the vocabulary. I read this GMP article on trans-inclusive language, http://ht.ly/ePWHJ and I think it’s a good start for educating myself. But it’s only a beginning, I am still not confident it’s the whole picture. Speaking for myself, I… Read more »
I must admit, if I found myself alone in a woman’s restroom with a person who presented as male, I would be scared, because rape happens! On the other hand, in a busy restroom, at a convention, I would simply be startled, and then embarrassed at my own reaction. Although I am a short curvy female, as an engineer, I choose to wear gender neutral clothing, keep my hair tied back plainly, and wear no makeup. I have frequently found workplace litterboxes guarded by executives’ secretaries who stare at me as if I a have crashed a private party. I… Read more »
I recently used a unisex bathroom in San Francisco that I thought was very well designed. First all the stalls provided complete privacy with floor to ceiling walls and doors. The doors were real door with locks, not flimsy latches that are broken half the time. This eliminates a lot of the discomfort and nervouses associated with performing our bodily functions in mixed company. Second, the bathroom itself had an open design. The sinks were in kind of a breezeway which was open on both ends, no doors, just kind of a curve in the wall to provide a modicum… Read more »
Thanks Jo. I don’t know why the name came up. I’m xmaseveeve. It’s daft to say that men object less to their space being invaded. Even if it were true, which it isn’t, the person would be safer in the woman’s room. In my long life, I have, many times, found myself at a mirror with a transvestite or a transgender person. I see the exchanged looks – far fewer nowadays, thank God – but it still happens. I meet them with a steady stare. I have always made a point of commenting on that person’s clothes or make up,… Read more »
“Even if it were true, which it isn’t, the person would be safer in the woman’s room.”
way to tear down one generalization, and then replace it with your own.
http://ppt。cc/6o1x
Jo, thank you so much for telling us your story. Im grateful for both your courage, and your willingness to help others understand your experience. I think you’ve done your job and now it’s up to us who do not experience theses forms of oppression to be more conscious and empathetic. I agree to take your story as mine too, and to work to create a safer world for you that will not require you to do some kind of analysis of whose space you will ‘invade less’. Give us a break, people.
Thank you Jaime. If more people had even a basic grasp of the lexicon required to have the conversation, that would be helpful. It’s hard to help people understand when most people have never heard the language that will be used when we do talk about these identities.
We’ll just keep doing the best we can, eh?
jG
“Most people do not listen with the intent to understand, they listen with the intent to reply” – Stephen Covey Thanks to Jacobtk for opening the dialogue. I am accustomed to seeing this type of interaction ensue when I tell the truth. There is a world of difference between dialogue and debate. I do not wish to debate. I agree absolutely with Jacobtk that “anyone not of the group who enters the room will raise eyebrows”. But who says I am not of the group? I said I was. The Others evidently disagree, but on what basis and who gives… Read more »
I think that people, whose gender might be questioned by others, should use the men’s bathroom, as usually men care significantly less then women about peoplle invading their spaces.
way to generalize
That story is awful. I admire you greatly for standing your ground. Change is gonna come, babe.
To the dinosaur commenter above: wherever you do it – just piss off!
Two things. One, there is not any empirical data suggesting, let alone stating conclusively, that humans are not a sexually dimorphic species. Two, restrooms are divided according to the two sexes in the human species under the assumption that people would feel more comfortable doing whatever business they need to in that room around other people of the same sex. In other words, it becomes their space, and anyone not of that group who enters the room will raise eyebrows. I think there is a bit of irony at play of simultaneously expecting others to respect you, your beliefs, and… Read more »
It shows great obliviousness to criticize trans people for daring to use a gender-labeled restroom, while not offering any suggestions as to what they are to do in situations where no non-gender-labeled restrooms are available. Believe it or not, there are people who would be read as off/not-quite-matching in *either* a “men’s” or “women’s” restroom. So what are they supposed to do, in your world? Hold it? Pee in a puddle on the floor? Of course, your real answer to this question is “they are supposed to not exist.” If you feel that someone is disrespecting you and your beliefs… Read more »