While we always focus on its direct impact, violence creates misconceptions in all of our minds.
When I was in New York recently, I went to dance class that was on the 7th floor. I approached the elevator and reached it just after a black Latino man did, and he greeted me and stepped aside to let me in first. I thanked him and entered the elevator, and he got in after me—turning away and studiously ignoring me for the next seven floors. As I stared at his back in the elevator, I wondered if we were going to the same place. The bell rang; we both got out and went to the same class.
When we think of how violence affects our communities, this is one aspect that people often do not count. This strain that takes place between the genders, this strain that happens between races hurts us. We often get so focused on just feeling safe again—as survivors, as a community—that we don’t remember that it’s the relationships between people, the ability to be close to people again, that really needs healing.
To be honest, before taking my self-defense class at IMPACT Personal Safety—where I am now the director and an instructor—I would not have noticed the misfortune and the incredible toll that this man was paying by going out of his way to ignore me. Before, I wouldn’t have noticed that he was trying to make me feel safe by not looking at me, not even facing me. I would have spent the whole elevator ride in my then-usual, semi-anxious space of trying to judge what was happening, going through all possible scenarios in my mind. It wasn’t until I learned effective safety skills that I learned I didn’t have to carry my weapons held high, everywhere I went, in all of my interactions—with men, in particular.
In the Jewish tradition in which I was raised, we talk about tikkun olam, “repairing the world.” I can still remember my painfully, overzealous 12-year-old self giving my short Bat Mitzvah speech about how we need to change the world. And that’s what we think of: changing the world. We don’t often think of changing ourselves. Learning skills to feel safe again—in my own life, for myself—has probably been the one biggest thing I’ve done to change the world for the better.
It doesn’t mean I don’t struggle with the nuances still. It doesn’t mean I don’t have to constantly examine whether I am ignoring someone or lashing out at someone out of a desire to protect myself in some way. But by taking on the work to feel safe physically, I now have the openness to see when a man has done the social courtesy of going out of his way to make me feel safe, at a cost to what he might be inclined to do and at a cost to our social interaction. Perhaps next time I will get over my surprise more quickly and actually ask him if he is going to the same class as me.
—Photo Nigsby/Flickr
Stephanie, “And just yesterday my son was watching a show where cars were set up with keys in them on random streets to lure criminals to take them. Everyone of them were Black boys and my son pointed it out. I explained to him the parallels between media and stereotypes. And asked him how he would feel if he was a dark skinned Black kid watching that.” You actually asked him that? That was an assinine question. Your kid IS a BLACK KID and he will be a BLACK MAN when he grows up. He will have some of the… Read more »
You’re an idiot. There is a clear difference between how dark Black children are treated and light skinned Black children are treated. If you recall during slavery lighter Black slaves were called “House N….”. The dark slaves had to be outside.
If our younger generation is aware of discrimination they can be conscious in the choices they make in judging others..
And you’re asinine for thinking my pro active parenting is asinine. Moron..
You’re clearly not a parent..
Wow! You know as a Caucasian woman of a child whose father is Black American I try to very hard to explain to my son how media creates stereotypes. I honestly would have not even thought the man turning his back to you in the elevator was his way of making you feel safe. But now I can..It breaks my heart that we ALL are guilty at one time or another of buying into these stereotypes.On a side not I’ve ended friendships because of friends using racial slurs. How could they think I would be okay with that type of… Read more »
Not sure why this post/comments turns my stomach a little, but it does. That a site nominally discussing ‘good men’ has a post on violence by a woman, that it is all women who respond. (I love GMP, but the point is different). I, too, was trained to be afraid, to have the keys in my hand, to not ‘provoke’, and to ‘be safe’. And I too have noticed – with surprise – how men have some times gone out of their way to make me feel safe. The legacy of violence is indeed insidious. It rots us. I do… Read more »
And yet the latest stats I have read show that men are approx 4x as likely to be assaulted than a women. Isn’t it strange the men are way more likely to be the victim of a violent crime than a man yet it is women who (or seem to be) afraid of the bogeyman.
“Bogeyman”, strange term that, it just occurred to me when I wrote that word that in our society we have be innondated with people trying to remove the nongender neutral terms EXCEPT for terms where man/men are used in the derogatory.
I’ve seen you post this twice now, and decided to respond with a little info about how crime stats are calculated. Yes, it is true that men are far more likely to be victims of “street crime” like stranger assaults, homicides, etc. However, domestic violence crimes (I don’t think there’s any argument as to why these are *not* violent crimes) are not included in the federal Uniform Crime Report, which is what most people quote crime stats from. If you are indeed looking at federal numbers, you’re reading it correctly as presented, but the presentation is lacking at best and… Read more »
Thanks for your comments. And thanks for reminding me about that incident, Copyleft. A friend had told me about that a while back & I’d forgotten about it. It’s interesting- It’s one of the pieces that I talk about in classes as a way of showing that we all have been affected by violence and sexual assault in our communities, whether we like it or not. Women typically do worry about and prepare to avoid assault at greater rates than men do, and having a conversation about that in mixed gender classrooms is interesting. However, when I think about what… Read more »
In one of the “elevatorgate” discussions, it was suggested that men walking down the street at night should be required to cross to the other side if they’re encountering a woman walking alone.
Another commenter asked “If blacks commit most of the 1-on-1 violent crime in America, should they be required to wait for the next elevator, so the whites won’t feel threatened?”
Elevatorgate was much more about the reaction of (generally) men to the question of “How do we get more women at Atheist Conferences?” Rebecca spoke at that particular conference about the hate mail and threats received and spoke about how sexualization and objectification of women at conferences hindered women from attending, as in they often choose not to attend. She mentioned listening to boundaries etc. Then a gentlemen approached her (after she indicated she was tired and ready for bed) in an elevator late at night with a proposition. She declined, things were fine. IIRC, she was more annoyed by… Read more »
People? Maybe not. But yes, MANY if not most women are concerned about assault. Women, much more than men, are taught that they must be afraid if walking alone or if out at night, for example. In learning to drive, one of the first things I was taught when driving late at night was to always have my keys out before going into the dark parking lot, holding them in a way that I would be able to slash at someone. I shouldn’t have to worry about things like this, but I do. I have been taught to always be… Read more »
I wonder something, HOW prevelant is that attitude that her clothing is seen as a reason for the assault. I know we hear about it alot, kinda like how we hear about airplane crashes, yet stats show per mile, per person is the safest mode of transportation. I don’t know for sure, but i have to scratch me head and wonder “Do we hear about it alot because it is newsworthy OR are we hearing about it because it happens alot”. Now don’t get me wrong , someone saying it is once too often, but does it really happen “all… Read more »
It is actually not often the case that someone is raped because of “provocative” clothing. People are raped because rapists seek power or control over their victim. However, if a woman was wearing “provocative” clothes when raped, people are more likely to say that “she was asking for it.” Furthermore, women are constantly told to watch their actions and their clothing (don’t go out at night, don’t go to a bar alone, don’t wear skimpy clothes, don’t do anything by yourself), because if they slip up and do one of these things, they might get raped. By extension– they might… Read more »
Are men taught these same things that I was taught?
No, we learn them the hard way.
My high school bullies did me an unintentional favor, by teaching me how to be hypervigilant and wary, to watch my back and my surroundings, and to lift weights and go crazy if necessary when attacked. All of this pre-adaptation was very useful when I went to college in a urban crime hell-hole.
Interesting parallel: There was recently a stir in the skeptical community about the experiences of Rebecca Watson, who was approached by a man in an elevator. She turned down his offer of a drink and he went his own way, but many commenters found this action threatening. Some even claimed that, in order to avoid making Rebecca afraid, the man should have waited for the next elevator, and that talking to a woman in an enclosed space was automatically “threatening.” Google “elevatorgate” for much, much more discussion and argument than the issue deserved. How far, exactly, should we expect people… Read more »