The old cliché of the overprotective dad is less funny in real life, as Michael Canaii recently found out.
Our culture is saturated with the image of the overbearing, overprotective, shotgun-toting father. The awkward and usually terrified boy trembling under the firm disapproving gaze, while the daughter looks on completely oblivious to the blatant intimidation going on right in front of her. We laugh as the scenario plays out over and over in movies and television shows. But what these images actually play a part in doing is perpetuating the belief that men, especially fathers and brothers, are expected to be the enforcers of sexual mores in our society, and that violence is stereotypically the default mode of enforcement. So what happens when a real life father discovers his real life teenage daughter is sexually active?
For New York City father Michael Canaii, the answer to that question was to show up at his daughter’s high school last week armed with a chain demanding to know “who’s fucking my daughter” and causing quite an uproar. As the New York Post reported, Mr. Canaii was arrested without anyone being harmed, as is appropriate in a situation such as this. This type of behavior cannot be condoned. However, one can’t help but wonder how this father can be held accountable for doing exactly what society expects of him when confronted with the reality of his teenage daughter having sex. Outdated ideas about sex, violence, and gender actually hurt people in the real world.
Picture: jesse.millan/Flickr
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“However, one can’t help but wonder how this father can be held accountable for doing exactly what society expects of him when confronted with the reality of his teenage daughter having sex. ”
FAIL. Society expected white men in the South to form lynch mobs to torture and murder black men on suspicion of having touched the sacred flesh of a white women. Do you find it equally to hold them accountable for that behavior simply because it was expected of them?
I run a support group for men with issues around parenting and especially post natal depression and it is incredible even from the very beginning of life how these stereotypes are formed. Messages for fathers who have girls tend to be along the lines of ” Look out when they become teenagers..” immediately cuing men to the idea that they need to be more careful with girls than boys and that they will be somehow in harm’s way. Developmental theory shows us that the more that we attempt to control behaviour of children and who they interact with, the more… Read more »
I have a beautiful daughter in her 20s and I always expected more angst about her dating…
The first time I saw her holding hands with a boy took me by surprise… Both whose hand she was holding, I thought it was his buddy who was her interest, and how my heart soared.
I think @copyleft nails it- and I’ll add my unease with and slight suspicion of men who are too protective of their daughters virtue.
As a dad, I feel I am the protector of my household. There comes a time however, when we just have to stop and let our children learn on their own. Sometimes, these are the hardest and most painful lessons to learn, but they have to be experienced. I just pray they aren’t fatal mistakes and that lessons can be learned from them.
Here’s the checklist.
1. Make sure it’s consensual.
2. Make sure it’s safe.
3. Use the opportunity to determine if she’s straight, lesbian, or bisexual.
4. Congratulate her and think back fondly to your own youth.
5. Shut the h*** up about it, you’ve embarrassed her enough already.
I agree with your first two points for sure! Eh, number 3 I’m pretty indifferent about so long as she cares for the person and they return the feelings! I have to admit that as open minded as I would like to imagine myself to be I don’t think I am going to be able to congratulate my teenage daughter (or son) on becoming sexually active in High School! I know it happens, heck I did it myself, and I’m not one of those people who thinks sex should be saved for marriage so that’s not it either! What I… Read more »
I have a 9yo daughter and I’m nowhere NEAR ready to deal with her liking boys and dating and having sex. I can barely stand it that I just thought about it! However, I don’t care what society has “taught” us about how a father should act around his daughter’s boyfriends or partners, only an idiot would show up at a high school with a chain, obviously intending violence, shouting obscenities and expect the outcome to be anything other than getting arrested. That society might condone or excuse such behavior because that’s what “society expects of him” is appalling. I… Read more »
But what these images actually play a part in doing is perpetuating the belief that men, especially fathers and brothers, are expected to be the enforcers of sexual mores in our society, and that violence is stereotypically the default mode of enforcement. That’s what happens when boys and men are raised to believe that a guy is a danger to his daughter/sister simply because they are male. It’s an ugly loop. When those dads were growing up they had to show they were not like that and now as dads they are challenging those guys to show that they are… Read more »
You are absolutely right! Thank you for pointing that out! I haven’t looked at it from that angle…so do you think the argument could be made that “facing the father” is like some kind of rite of passage for boys to become men?
And yes, we all worry worry worry about “baby girl” growing up while at the same time encouraging even young boys to “go get you some…” without giving them any actual guidance on dating etiquette or relationships! And then we judge them and get down on them when they make mistakes…
Great points! Thank you!!
I haven’t looked at it from that angle…so do you think the argument could be made that “facing the father” is like some kind of rite of passage for boys to become men? Yes. Even those who call themselves progressives that want to challenge the old gender roles tend to only look at the implications that marriage has on girls/women or at best will only look at the supposed “privileges” (and I put that in quote marks becasue these days that word gets tossed around way too freely) boys/men have in marriage. Basically ignoring or downplaying stuff like this (or… Read more »
Unfortunately there are some men out there who seem to get off on giving there daughters boyfriends a hard time. Time and again I have read comments and stories from fathers about them actively threatening every single boyfriend there daughter has… They think it is there job to explicitly threaten violence and think it is funny to make a 16 year old boy afraid of them, as if this protects there daughter. Admittedly these comments have been one some of the more right wing sites I read (Off topic on shooting and hunting sites) but it worry’s me that my… Read more »
Unfortunately there are some men out there who seem to get off on giving there daughters boyfriends a hard time.
Most certainly.
I bet that to those guys they saw it as a rite of passage that they went through, knowing that one day if they had daughters they would put someone’s else young son(s) through the same. Not much different from the pledge from a frat that goes through hell and then once he gets in turns around and does the same to future pledges.
When society looks at a child that in their minds is doing wrong they look at the parents for not watching over them enough, while at the same time expecting the parents to back off when it’s time for the child to make their own decisions.
I think the overprotective father is the product of a lack of trust. A lack of trust that their daughter or child will do the right thing as well as a lack of trust in their capabilities as a parent. It also points to an unwillingness to embrace that their daughter is undergoing changes and discovering her sexual side. The irony is that most often these same fathers will not caution their son for sleeping with the cheerleader. Rather they will cheer the son on. Double standards? Definitely.
I think you are right! There is definitely a double standard when it comes to a son vs. a daughter and sexual activity, just like there is a double standard for promiscuous men vs. promiscuous women. So then my question is, do we encourage our daughters the way we do our sons? Or do we go in the other direction and discourage both? As far as the lack of trust goes, I agree to a point! I think all parents doubt themselves at one time or another, I know I do! But so long as you have established an open… Read more »
So then my question is, do we encourage our daughters the way we do our sons? Or do we go in the other direction and discourage both? I’m thinking it’s two opposite but both damaging extremes. Boys have the desire for sex drilled into them while girls have it stripped from them. Boys are held to a stadard where if they are not sexually active they are seen as having something wrong with them. Girls are held to a standard where if they are sexual active they are seen as having something wrong with them. (Look at the way heterosexual… Read more »