Soft-spoken sojourner saves stranger, seeks surfing, swears steadily.
In an interview that seems destined to place him in the autotuned and screencapped pantheon of the internet’s favorite news subjects, a peripatetic young wanderer known only as Kai describes how he stopped the assault of a “fuckin’ 300-pound guy” who was, in Kai’s phrasing, “beyond haole” and “fuckin’ kooked out.”
According to Kai’s version of events, to which I cannot do justice (just watch the video, but be aware that Kai’s language is not appropriate for many situations), he was hitching a ride with a man who spontaneously confessed to raping a 14-year-old girl years ago, subsequent to which he had come to the realization that he was Jesus Christ and could do anything he wanted. To demonstrate this moral principle, he rammed a pedestrian with his car, pinning the poor fellow against a van. Kai, by his own account, took the keys from the driver (hereafter referred to as Definitely Not Jesus) and got out of his car. Two women attempted to help the guy trapped between the vehicles, and Definitely Not Jesus began assaulting one of the women, at which point Kai obtained a hatchet (the source of the hatchet is unclear in his relation of events) and used it on Definitely Not Jesus in a manner only describable as “smash, smash, SUH-MASH.” From there, apparently, things got weird.
I have only known this dude for five minutes and I love him.
I can only close with my new all-purpose benediction, wedding toast, and commencement address:
No matter what you’ve done, you deserve respect, even if you make mistakes, you lovable. And it doesn’t matter your looks, skills, or age, or size, or anything, you’re worthwhile. No one can ever take that away from you.
Amen, you crazy hippie. Amen.