If you want to be a good man, you need to know how not to be a good man. In this first installment of our exclusive Good Feed feature, I bring you five ways not to be a good man when giving a best man speech.
This is an awful, terrible idea. You are not smart enough, funny enough, or charismatic enough to “wing” your best man speech. If you want to look like a moron in front of your closest friends and family, by all means, wing the damn speech. But if you don’t, plan out something in advance. Write down some stories. Scribble a few notes. You must have some idea of where you want to go with this thing, although under no circumstances is it permissible to copy Vince Vaughn’s speech from Old School.
Bring up the time he lost his virginity
While this may seem like a good idea, it’s not. I know, I know. You guys were 17, you snuck some liquor, one thing led to another, and the groom ended up with that chick from New Jersey. No one cares.
Besides, the bride doesn’t want to hear about his “first.” His mom definitely doesn’t want to hear about it. And Grandma shouldn’t have to hear about it. As a general rule, just stay away from any previous girlfriends, wives, and “hook-ups.” Also: never use the word “hook-up.” You’re not 17.
If you like burning bridges, ruining relationships, and generally being perceived as a terrible person, bring up the time he lost his virginity.
Comment on how “hot” anyone is
Yes, you can call the bride “beautiful.” It might be a nice touch. You could even comment on how pretty the mothers of the couple are, but that’s as far as you should ride that train. People at weddings are not “hot.” If you’re married, your wife isn’t “the smokin’ hot one over in the corner with the tight blue dress and the slammin’ bod.” Don’t be a weirdo.
And this should go without saying, but his younger sisters and cousins are completely, totally, remarkably off limits. Do not mention them. Do not point at them. Do not wink at them. Your speech isn’t the time to “spit game.”
Drink too much alcohol
You’re going to be nervous, that’s natural. To ease the jitters, you might want a drink—or twelve. Indulge you may, but only to a point. No more than a couple drinks here.
Lowered inhibitions are not a good thing when you’re giving a best man speech. There will be old people at the wedding. Tons of them. They need to be able to understand what you’re saying. You must enunciate. No slurring.
There’s also no vomiting. Or peeing.
Forget to mention the bride
So, at these wedding things, you’re there to celebrate the union of two people. It’s your friend and someone else other than you. You can save your eulogy for his funeral.
Not sure if you’re at a funeral or a wedding? Look around for woman in a long, white dress, and say something nice about her. Even if you hate her.