I was having a great Sunday doing manly things like lying on the couch watching sports, and not showering. But then I caught Ice-T in an interview, and learned that I have no fucking idea what manly things are.
The famed rapper appeared on CNN and shared his thoughts on a variety of topics:
“I think men are very simple. You give ’em cars, gadgets, guns, food and ass… the man’s staying in the house.”
So, that means I’m only 40% man.
I like having a nice car, but not enough to actually keep it clean inside and out. In fact, I only get my Saab washed if I a) have a date or b) have a meeting in Beverly Hills. I also don’t know anything about cars, i.e. how many horses are under the hood. So, that’s a no-go on cars.
I am not a Gadget Guy. In fact, I hate gadgets. I needed my buddy Dave to hook up my TV, cable, etc. Only, he didn’t do the DVD player. So, two and a half years later, I still don’t have a working DVD player. (I also do not play video games.) So, that’s a no-go on gadgets.
I don’t own a gun. When I was in the Army, I fired “expert” with the M-16, but it wasn’t particularly enjoyable. Some of my fellow soldiers would practically get hard while discussing weaponry, and they questioned my sexuality because I did not see what was so cool about a .50 Cal machine gun. So, that’s a no-go on guns.
Fortunately, I love food and “ass.” Whew! Otherwise, I’d be a non-man.
Two-for-five equates to batting .400 in baseball, which would guarantee my induction into the Hall of Fame on the first ballot.
Hey, wait a minute. He didn’t mention baseball or any other sport. Does Ice-T not like sports?! What a non-man.