This week, Reddit featured an unusual Internet memorial for one user’s dad: a collection of dirty jokes.
Q: What did the elephant say to the naked man?
A: “How do you breathe through that little thing?”
That was one of two dirty jokes that my dad taught me so long ago, I can’t remember how old I was (5? 6?).
The other one was: Where did they find the missing nurse? Under a doc.
My dad loved dirty jokes. One of the last communications we had with him in the hospital, he couldn’t talk because he had a breathing tube in, so I spoke through the alphabet and he tapped my hand at the right letter. We asked him if we could bring him anything to make him more comfortable there, and he tapped out, “Blow-up girl.”
Tonight, at the age of 73, my father passed away. In his honor, please post your best dirty joke.
Here are our handpicked favorites. Rest in peace, Cavemonster Sr.
A man kills a deer and takes it home to cook for dinner. Both he and his wife decide that they won’t tell the kids what kind of meat it is, but will give them a clue and let them guess.
Of course, the kids are eager to know what the meat is. They ask their dad for the clue.
“Well,” he says, “It’s what mommy calls me sometimes.”
The little girl screams, “Don’t eat it! It’s a fucking asshole.”
Q: What has a hundred balls and screws old women?
Three middle-aged men are golfing one day. All are proud parents, and so they begin to brag about their children.
“My son is doing incredibly well for himself,” the first man says. “He’s a lawyer, and he’s just rolling in the money! In fact, he has so much money that he bought his friend a sports car.”
The second man says, “I can top that. My son is even wealthier! He’s a skilled brain surgeon; he makes a fortune. He has so much money that he bought his friend a huge house.”
“What about you, Frank?” the two men ask their friend.
Frank sheepishly looks at his feet. “Well, my son is, um … well, he’s in gay porn.”
His two friends express their condolences before Frank speaks one more:
“Still, I guess he’s doing well for himself. After all, he has a huge house and drives a brand-new sports car.”
A doctor is walking through the hospital with a thermometer over his ear.
A nurse remarks, “Doctor, why do you have a thermometer over your ear?”
The doctor pulls the thermometer from his ear, looks at it, and says, “Some asshole has my pen!”
Guy tells a bartender, “I’ll bet you 100 bucks I can pee in this cup from five feet away without missing a drop.” The bartender takes the bet.
The man misses horribly, hitting pretty much everything except the cup.
The bartender laughs and the man pays him the money.
Then the bartender sees the man’s friends laughing by the pool table, and he asks the man what is so funny.
The man says, “I bet them 1,000 bucks I would pee all over your bar and you wouldn’t try to stop me.”
A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar: Cheeseburger, $2.50; Chicken Sandwich, $3.50; Handjob, $10.
Checking his wallet for cash, he walks up to the bar and beckons to one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks to a group of men.
“Yes?” she inquires with a knowing smile. “May I help you?”
“I was wondering,” whispers the man, “are you the one who gives the handjobs?”
“Yes,” she purrs, “I am.”
The man replies, “Well, wash your hands, I want a cheeseburger.”
Guy goes to the doctor with a totally orange penis. Doctor looks at him, pokes, prods; he’s mystified. He asks the guy, “Any itching?”
“Used any weird lotions or creams?”
“Any problems urinating?”
“No, everything’s pretty much fine except for the color.”
“Is this recent?”
“Oh, the last few weeks, since I got a new job.”
“Anything different about your routine since the new job?”
“Well, I don’t know anyone in the area very well, so every night’s pretty much the same thing: come home, eat some dinner, then I sit down with a bag of Cheetos and watch some porn.”
Q: What comes in quarts?
A rich, old, divorced man marries a hot, young thing, much to the dismay of his family. They think she’s a gold digger. In reality, she really loves the man, but when they try to consummate the marriage, she’s devastated that he can no longer maintain an erection. (This is pre-Viagra, of course.) However, she stays faithful and grows to love him more each day, despite the lack of sex. The man feels awful.
Some months later, he reads an article in a magazine about a doctor in Argentina who performs a special surgery just for men with his problem. The doctor takes the trunk from a stillborn baby elephant, and implants it on the man in place of his penis. The operation costs nearly $500,000—but the success rate is 100%. After a bit of thought, the man rushes to the doctor and has the procedure done.
When he returns and begins to fool around with his wife, she is astounded by the surprise his pants hold. They make wild, passionate love that night. And the next. The trunk does not disappoint. Two, three, four times a night. The trunk is everything both of them could have ever wanted. They have sex everywhere, at all hours of the day. The man’s impotence is cured.
It takes a long while, but eventually the family realizes that this girl might just love the old man after all. The matriarch of the family, the man’s ex-wife, throws a Christmas dinner party and invites them both to come. She’s prepared a multi-course meal: turkey, stuffing, potatoes, corn, cranberry sauce—the works. The conversation, laughter, and wine flow. The old man’s new wife is nervous, so she drinks the wine a little too quickly. Her nose tingles.
As they sit with the family and exchange stories, everyone marvels at how vibrant their relationship is. Titillated at the prospect of his ex-wife sitting a few feet away (and also feeling the alcohol coursing through her veins), she begins longing for the feel of the man’s huge, stiff trunk. She begins to rub her man’s leg and feels the trunk begin to rise. She pulls the tablecloth over his lap and unzips his pants. Surreptitiously, she strokes him slowly—and suddenly, the trunk bursts out from under the tablecloth and reaches up onto the table. It grabs a potato, grips it firmly, and swings back down under the table with a whoosh and a thud.
Needless to say, the conversation stops cold. Shocked family members gaze at where the trunk had just pilfered the potato. Then they all stare at the man, who has a pained and confused look on his face.
“What in God’s name just happened here? What was that?” the man’s ex-wife blurts out. The new wife tries to calm them, asking that nobody panic.
“It’s my new penis,” the man admits slowly. “It’s the trunk of a baby elephant implanted over my member.”
The family is shocked. But one was curious. “Do it again!” blurts out his young nephew. “I want to see it again!”
“I don’t think so.”
“C’mon! Let’s see that thing!” shouts his niece, sitting next to the nephew and all 16 guests. “It was huge!”
“I’m afraid I can’t.”
By this time, everyone wants to see this miracle again. Even the man’s ex-wife. They all start shouting and goading him on. “Do it! Show it!”
“Enough!” the man finally shouts. “First, this is extremely embarrassing and I don’t think I could bear it. But more importantly, I really don’t think there’s room in my ass for another potato.”