Should a man be ashamed of raising someone else’s child? The Toronto Globe and Mail asked Noah Brand.
Stop by the Toronto Globe and Mail to check out a nice little article by Zosia Bielski about people’s reactions to Sarah Polley’s new documentary. It seems Ms. Polley has discovered that her father is not, in fact, her biological father, the actress and filmmaker being the product of an affair her mother had. Her father doesn’t see this as diminishing their bond in any way, but some folks are criticizing him for being a “pushover” for raising a child he knew wasn’t his. Good Men Project editor-in-chief Noah Brand was invited to contribute his own views.
From a cultural standpoint, Mr. Polley’s acquiescence to news of his wife’s affair was most startling of all, says Robin Milhausen, an associate professor in Family Relations and Applied Nutrition at the University of Guelph who has researched cheating.
“We’re going against traditional scripts where it’s men who are more likely to be sexually unfaithful. Women’s sexual infidelity tends to bother men more than emotional infidelity and that’s why the public reacts with more judgment and surprise that the man is taking it in stride.”
A more callous view would call it resigned cuckoldry, especially as there were jokes in the family about Ms. Polley’s lineage. But Mr. Brand sees it as a more modern masculinity.
“It was the most manly-in-a-good-sense part of it. He was taking responsibility because it was his marriage. That is deeply admirable in my mind.”
Read the whole article here.
Interesting article and the responses. A few things come to mind. “A 2003 study by the American Association of Blood Banks pegged it higher still, finding that in 30 per cent of 354,000 blood tests done to determine paternity, the man tested was not the biological father.” Are women that deceitful and unfaithful? Has anyone ever heard of a condom? Why on earth would a divorcing man be held financially accountable for a child his wife conceived with another man under such conditions? I think it is extremely commendable that Sarah’s mom’s husband was so generous with his love and… Read more »
“A 2003 study by the American Association of Blood Banks pegged it higher still, finding that in 30 per cent of 354,000 blood tests done to determine paternity, the man tested was not the biological father.” Are women that deceitful and unfaithful? There’s a sample bias error that leads to your question. People getting tested for paternity are more likely to be suspicious of paternity. Parents not going through a custody dispute, or where infidelity is not suspected, have no reason to submit for a paternity test. Therefore the 30% is not a representative sample of the population as a… Read more »
My husband and I underwent fertility treatments to get pregnant with our second child, which culminated in my being successfully inseminated with his sperm. The only problem was, I couldn’t remember *for sure* that when I took his sample in to the hospital that day, that I checked the labels they gave me at the reception desk to make sure they had my name on them. Because of this, I was vaguely worried throughout my pregnancy that maybe the hospital screwed up and this wasn’t his baby. Not seriously worried, but four-o’clock-in-the-morning-hormone-induced worry. He, of course, thought I was being… Read more »
Some of this discourse makes me extremely uncomfortable. We know that some men (exactly what proportion is difficult to say) care intently about whether or not their children are biologically theirs. We also know that this is hardly new – concerns about parentage can be found in most cultures throughout most of history. As a result, it seems like this constant challenging of these feelings is tremendously unfair. There is a concerted effort to shame men out of emotions that are obviously very real. Obviously this sort of problem is not the fault of the child, and being rejected by… Read more »
Throughout most of recorded history, perhaps… Christopher Ryan makes a compelling case (to me, at least) that concerns about paternity go hand in hand with agriculture and the idea of private property. After all, if then entire village is raising and feeding all children – and not one parent “providing” for their particular child – then of what concern is paternity? But I don’t think the idea is that men should are being shamed for feeling anything. The question is what do you do? As I said in my comment, your relationship with the mother is going to be affected.… Read more »
But I don’t think the idea is that men should are being shamed for feeling anything. The question is what do you do? As I said in my comment, your relationship with the mother is going to be affected. Perhaps you break up with her even. But why punish the child? If you’ve bonded with the child, why break that bond which we know will hurt that child? Just because you were deceived (perhaps intentionally, perhaps not) by the mother? Is it the child’s fault the mother is a CPOS? Should the child pay for sins of the mother? Because… Read more »
And to get a bit colder if people have such a problem with a dad that cuts the bond in a situation like this take it up with the person that did the mother that is responsible for it. If he stays that’s cool and all. If he splits I don’t think it should be held against him. I like you, Danny, but I’m going to suggest you not have children either. 🙂 It’s a shitty thing she (hypothetically) did, we can all agree on that. But why make it shittier? Yes, I do hold it against him for leaving… Read more »
I like you, Danny, but I’m going to suggest you not have children either. Despite your feelings about my lineage I’ll still say that if you were in this situation Nick, I’d support your decision, no matter which way you went with it. And if it makes you feel any better Nick I actually don’t want kids (and before you ask, no it’s not because of some fear of this happening). But that being said if I were in this position more than likely I would stay in the child’s life and just try my best not to let my… Read more »
I’m with Danny on this one. A bond isn’t simply about blood, as someone with 2 animals that I love like my children and would die for, I get it. But that biological link is important to me. I want to pass my genes on at some point. A person can’t know how they would feel in that situation, nor could they control WHAT they feel. What if you have another kid in that same marriage? What if over time you felt more love for you biological child? Its fucked up all around, but it isn’t something you can just… Read more »
On the topic of biology, I know for a fact that I love and care about my adopted sun exactly as much as I do my biological daughter. I’ve spent so much time with the kids, taking them to kindergarden and school, helping them face new challenges, picking them up when they fall, encouraging them to learn, having fun together, and just plain holding them close. In my experience, all of this grows to be far more important than biology. I am quite certain that if I was to learn today that my daughter is, af all, not my biological… Read more »
I tend to think that relationships are voluntary. When you help bring a child into the world, you have certain responsibilities to care for and raise that child. He did not father that child so has no moral responsibility. Should a man stay in the child’s life? That depends on the man. It’s weird how some people don’t have a problem with a woman avoiding her responsibilities by having an abortion, but will criticize a man because he doesn’t want anything to do with a child that’s not “his”. “They’ve done nothing wrong, and it will be hard enough to… Read more »
I have to agree with the arguments put forth by Danny, FlyingKal, and John Schtoll. If I discovered my kids were not mine, that would be a serious issue. I don’t know if I would completely eject from the kids, but the wife. . .
These stories are perturbing in the way they’re often presented. Generally, it seems the lie is withheld till not-dad has a chance to bond with the child. That highlights the fact that truth and lineage do matter a great deal. If it were all about relationships, then there would be no reason to lie.
If DNA and lineage don’t matter, then why do couples get millions of dollars in compensation from hospitals when they screw up and give them the wrong kid, for that matter, why have all the security at the hospitals , when a woman gives birth, she is given a card, which entitles her to one child from the nursery when she is able to leave, silly isn’t but, you know what. It is only silly because DNA and lineage do matter.
I think the article misses the point altogether, or at least fail to make clear what the point actually is. As Lars Fischer said, it’s really (at least!) 2 questions. First, there is no shame in caring for and raising a child! Regardless of the “heritage” of that child. If someone lied or withheld information about that heritage, any possible shame for that is solely reflected upon the liar! Second, A more callous view would call it resigned cuckoldry, especially as there were jokes in the family about Ms. Polley’s lineage. But Mr. Brand sees it as a more modern… Read more »
There’s really two questions here – one about raising a child that is not yours in the biological sense, and one about forgiving infidelity. On the first question – lots of people do that, and there’s certainly no shame in that. People divorce and re-marry, and so end up patenting children that is not their bio-children. Also, people adopt. One of my children is adopted, and I feel no less a father to him – I see no reason I would. As for forgiving infidelity, I believe that’s a far too complex issue for outsiders to be able to make… Read more »
Look at the number of never married and divorced parents. It’s more a function of today’s society. Are people really going to stop dating until their children all turn 18? Will other people not date these individuals until their children become adults? Many people will stay away from these relationships. I’ve found most to be childless men. Childless women tend to be more receptive based on my observations, but that may have to do with women more often being the custodial parent and there being a lower expectation of having to parent another’s child from childless women dating single fathers.… Read more »
Should a man be ashamed of raising someone else’s child? He shouldn’t be shamed into staying or leaving if such a revelation is made. Although I do wonder (I seem to never get an answer to this), if the DNA doesn’t matter and “if he has built up such a relationship it should be the parenting not the genetics that matter” why hold it from him in the first place? It almost feels like people are thinking that if the deception is allowed to go on long enough he should have to stay just because. I would like to say… Read more »
I’ve never understood the whole cuckolding thing.
From my perspective, I have a relationship with the mother, and I have a relationship with the child. If it turns out another man sired that child, that changes my relationship with the mother, not with the child.
“If it turns out another man sired that child, that changes my relationship with the mother, not with the child.”
When it turns out that another man sired the child, it not only changes the relationship with mother, but the relationship with the child as well. It changes the man from husband to cuckold and reveals man’s fatherhood is just a deception.
The child is an innocent bystander. It is your choice to change the relationship with the child. That’s all on you. The child hasn’t changed; the child never deceived you, the child never betrayed your trust. I’m reminded every day of unpleasant things from my past, things much worse than raising a child whose DNA is not my own. I move on; I don’t let those things continue to victimize me in the present. Looking at my two children I wouldn’t be surprised if someone thought they had two different fathers. If it turns out once of my sons isn’t… Read more »
Sentimental mumbo-jumbo does not changes the ground reality. The child is certainly innocent but is the result of adultery. Is it the fault of snake if it is venomous. Somethings are what they are and cannot be reasoned or argued If you do not really care whether your sons are biologically related to you, its good for you and certainly your sons and wife, but most of the men do not prefer that lifestyle. Man who sires the child is the father in the most basic term. Everything else is just hogwash. To answer your query, I wish to inform… Read more »
Sentimental mumbo jumbo, eh? So you’re telling me, that for a decade you have loved and raised a child as your own, bonded with that child, and accepted that child’s love and adoration. Then you find out that nope, wasn’t your sperm and you kick that CHILD to the curb? Friendships don’t turn sworn enemies because of something a third party did a decade ago, something the friend had no input in let alone control over. And let’s be clear – it is not sociobiology, it’s technology and socialization. This is not some immutable trait that has come along with… Read more »
I hope that you know the Biblical story of the foolish man who built his house on sand which was destroyed in rain and flood. Likewise the relations built on the sand of deception are also prone to get destroyed.
If you use the bible as your source of morality and wisdom then it makes sense why you hold the opinion you do.
why the hell should I raise somebody’s elses child? Let her do it and the guy who did her.
You don’t have to be religious to be against the nonsense you spout Nick.
No, but you do have to be a heartless narcissist to abandon a child so readily, and that trait knows no religious fealty.