Celebrating the dawn of a new literary art form. Or not.
1. Okay, lists, right…so first. I’m never confused about where to start saying, “Oh, yeah! I totally get that!”
When I read articles that have, like, lots of paragraphs. I never know when its my turn to talk. That can be kind of a bummer, so sometimes I just scan the first sentences of each paragraph and say stuff about that.
2. I feel like I finally understand why math matters.
When I’m reading an article that’s a list, I know how far I am from the end. So, if I’m reading number three in a list of ten, I can text my friend Stacy and ask about lunch.
3. If I get a phone call, I can remember where I am in the article by holding up the right number of fingers.
Once, I was reading Moby Dick and I got a phone call and by the time the fucking call was done, I had to start the whole goddamn book over. Fuck!
4. My boss is a total asshole.
5. When I’m halfway done with the list I can Twitterize it and post it to my Facebook page.
Lists are great because each entry in the list is a good way to guess what the rest is going to say. So I can pretty much guess the whole rest of it and post it to Facebook.
6. Reading lists improves my self esteem.
When I read articles that are lists, they become more popular and start climbing up the list of popular lists. This is a huge boost to my self esteem because I’m part of that social media thingee.
7. Dave Letterman taught me this art form.
I read lists because they remind me of Dave Letterman. So even if they’re not funny, I can be Dave doing that WTF? face and I remember what its like watching Dave on TV.
8. If number eight is stupid, I know the whole thing is almost over.
9. Reading lists gives me a feeling of accomplishment.
Reading lists make me feel like I’ve finally completed something. I’m not just some asshole who can’t focus, puts things off forever and just avoids stuff. Mostly.
10. Lists are deeply human and invoke the inevitability of death.
Sometimes when I’m getting to the end of the list, I imagine the list is like the universe winding down to some final cosmic silence of darkness and death. I even feel my heart slowing down. Like my blood is slowing down. Dear God, I’m so fucking scared. The darkness… it….
Image of Top 10 courtesy of Shutterstock.