Ten Things I’ve Learned From Breaking Up With Someone

Originally appeared at Ten Things I’ve Learned

1. Sometimes you both know the relationship is not working, and somebody just needs to kick it in the pants. Most of the time, you know weeks or even months before they do (and so do your friends).
2. The best thing is to be broken up with when you are already thinking of breaking up. That way, you get what you wanted anyway, but you get to set the terms and be the good guy.
3. Nobody is owed anything in a relationship. There’s no guarantee. Relationships aren’t rational. All of this is to say, 9 times out of 10, you can’t argue your way back into a relationship (and even if you do, there’s no guarantee it will work any better the second time around).
4. Dating a lot doesn’t necessarily make you a better boy/girl friend. I’ve heard that being in a long-term relationship does, but I don’t know too much about that.
5. It’s not you, it’s me. Well, actually, it’s that I just don’t think this dynamic is working anymore. Well, no. It’s really that I think I can do better than you, and I want to explore my options. And as soon as we break up, I’ll start to wonder…maybe I can’t do better than her…
6. Relationships work when key variables align: you both want to be in the same place for roughly the same amount of time. Or you both want to travel. Or you both want to focus on a career. Or you want to take care of the kids, and they want someone who will take care of the kids. Or you want kids. Or don’t want kids. Or you’re both really sporty. When you get past the initial attraction, it’s these key variables that can determine if it lasts or doesn’t last.
7. The problem with cheating on somebody is not so much that you are taking on a second (or third, etc.) sexual partner. Presumably, you did that before you started dating, and I don’t believe that polyamory  is in and of itself an unethical thing to do. The problem with cheating is that you both agreed to a contract of monogamy, and by cheating, you are breaking that contract and lying. We cheat because we are too afraid to end the relationship, but we aren’t fulfilled. Or we cheat because we are afraid to ask for a different relationship dynamic. Or we cheat because it’s there. Regardless of why we cheat, it’s dishonest and unfair to your partner. Say what you want about break ups, at least they’re honest.
8. Everybody should break a heart, everybody should have their heart broken.
9. If you break up with somebody, you’re kind of a jerk, because you know it’s going to hurt them, but you’re also sort of looking forward to it. But if you don’t break up because you’re afraid to be alone, than you are stuck in a dysfunctional relationship, begrudging your partner. That seems a lot jerkier.
10. A lot of relationships end because, maybe, they weren’t right to begin with. So maybe it’s best to wait for somebody you truly love? And what does that mean anyway?