The holidays are upon us. That means there’s an opportunity for guys all around the world to impress their special women or to make complete fools of themselves. While we can’t guarantee you success, we can steer you away from failure. Here are 10 things that you should absolutely never, under no circumstances, ever consider buying for your significant other:
Honey, you know I’ve always wanted to install a urinal. Now we can both use it!
2. An anti-aging mask
Dear, I know you’ve always wanted to get rid of all those wrinkles. Plus, the mask makes you look like Michael Myers from the Halloween movies!
3. A divorce
Not funny, Esquire. Not funny.
4. Used underwear
Honey, so I know you said you wanted those pink ones with the black lace. I couldn’t find them in the store, so I bought two pairs for the price of one on eBay. It’s weird, though. They came in a Ziploc bag with one of those black-and-yellow toxic stickers.
5. A vasectomy
Baby, you know I love your unibrow and the hair on your upper lip, but now we can try something different. We can “shave” together now!
7. A star in her name
Lover, if we ever move to Montana we’ll be able to look up at night and see a little twinkling symbol of your beautiful face. Oh, and I bought a telescope.
8. Windex (or any other cleaning supplies)
Honey, the windows look great with the lights and the wreath, but we can’t really see inside. And I hear the Greeks use it for everything.
9. A heat suit
Darling, it’s great. I know you’ve been wanting to lose a bunch of weight and get back in shape. Just wear this at all times and the fat will melt right off. Oh, and how cool does this look? Futuristic, right? Fashionable, baby!
10. Tickets to a game.
Something will go wrong. Stay away. Whatever day you pick, it will rain. Even if the stadium is indoors, it will still rain. Promise to trust me on this one.