Gretchen Edwards-Bodmer clicks on a link from YouTube telling her about the “Most Popular Guys” and all she sees are harmful stereotypes.
Yesterday I got an email from YouTube with the subject line “10 million people know the most popular guys on YouTube. Do you?”. Well, no, I don’t. This tugged at my curiosity (which I know was the purpose of the email). I gotta know who the most popular guys are (and also what kind of masculinity they’re selling). I was hopeful it would be something awesomely positive (hey, I’m an optimist) but I was sorely mistaken. They’re all just a bunch of cavemen, literally. See for yourself in the video above: “What Guys Are Really Thinking”.
In the first scene, a group are buddies are egging on one of their friends to go get a woman’s number who’s doing yoga in the park. He tells her that his friends put him up to it and he promises her that he’s not a creep. Then they replay the scene where the guy turns in to a caveman to illustrate “what he’s really thinking”. He just wants “bam bam”, he’s definitely creepy and of course she’s clueless.
Basically the message is that guys pretend to act nice, but all they really want is sex and they’ll tell you what they think you want to hear to get it. Great, guys have been reduced (again) to pathological liars and sex addicts who are incapable of genuine emotion and healthy relationships. Oh, but I bet it’s just a joke guys, right? Right. I know they’re capable of more so this is disappointing.
They go on to show you how they’re not really listening to us when we (obviously only) talk about going shopping (stereotype), losing weight (stereotype), and fashion (stereotype). They’d rather stare at our boobs than listen to what we have to say, because, as they’re insinuating, anything we have to say couldn’t possibly be interesting.
When the date is over and she says she “has to do homework” but she’ll “see (him) around” the caveman inside of him throws a temper tantrum saying it was a “waste of time” because he didn’t get “bam bam”. So, here we are again with yet another example of a male stereotype that no matter what they do, the ultimate goal is sex.
On the flip side, they show the female characters turning into cavewomen who say “You no try hard for bam bam, you no get bam bam” sending the message that women really want guys to pursue them even if they say no (Danger, Will Robinson, Danger!): FYI, “no” means “no” and “yes” means “yes”, let’s not get that confused. Too many guys have fallen for this myth that if they just keep harassing a girl long enough she’ll cave in and give them sex. Just to clear that up, here are a few definitions everyone should learn: sexual harassment, sexual assault, rape. (BTW, plying someone with alcohol so you can have sex with them is rape.)
The “most popular guys on YouTube” couldn’t help themselves but to wrap up their video with a few more stereotypes. “This girl want bam bam…and chocolate, and bubble baths, and shopping, and watch romantic movie with man-hunk Ryan Gosling”. Hey guys, you’ve really got us pegged…he he, he he…NOT. I’m sure you don’t all want to be categorized as a bunch of douchebag assholes so I’d appreciate it if you didn’t stereotype us into a bunch of airhead shoe-crazy over-consumers. I do appreciate their acknowledgement that women like sex too. We can do without the stereotype that its something only guys want.
I’m sure the makers of this video probably thought they were just being funny, and maybe if we lived in a world where rape, sexual assault, or sexual harassment wasn’t a problem then maybe…no, not even then would this be funny. What this “humor” and “boys will be boys” attitude really does is tell guys their just a bunch of sex-crazed idiots who are incapable of anything other than harassing women (so why even try to be anything but). There are lots of Good Men out there. Sure, there are guys whose main focus is when and where their next booty call is going to come from (mostly they are the ones who’ve fallen for the stereotype) and there are guys who force themselves onto women (criminals). However, even though most rapists are guys, not all guys are rapists. Men are perfectly capable of having genuine human interactions/relationships that don’t involve the pursuit of sex. These stereotypes are just holding those guys back from evolving with the rest of us.
To help our two sons avoid the pitfalls of this limiting/dangerous stereotype, my husband (an example of an awesomely good man) and I will teach them about healthy masculinity and how to identify and avoid those negative stereotypes of what it means to be a real man.
—
Originally posted on grrlwithboys.blogspot.com
@ John, I agree with you in that this type of thing perpetuates the “rape culture” myth. In general, I’m not sure why people attacked Assman in that he was simply describing his true to life experiences. Ya’ll want to know and understand men, he simply put himself out there and gave a realistic perspective of what at least one man has experienced. He was pretty much labeled in negative light. I’m not defending his actions, I’m simply asking that rather then attacking him personally, it may have better results if we were to better understand his views. But he,… Read more »
I think there’s far more common among women than among men to prefere, or even require, a certain amount of assertiveness in a (heterosexual) partner.
And along that line, I also think that being able to correctly interpret body language is a far more valuable capacity in the mating department, than habitually following general guidelines and given instructions to the letter, in any given situation.
Incredible. You managed to say in 2 sentences something I couldn’t express in 50. I should have written less emotionally and more thoughtfully.
I have a question for you Gretchen. Obviously I don’t expect any answers
“What this “humor” and “boys will be boys” attitude really does is tell guys their just a bunch of sex-crazed idiots…”
“Sure, there are guys whose main focus is when and where their next booty call is going to come from”
You mean sex crazed idiots like the women on XOJane.com?
They have, like, dozens of men on their booty call lists.
http://www.xojane.com/sex/its-so-easy-have-sex-craigslist
http://www.xojane.com/sex/everybodys-banging-their-co-workers
http://www.xojane.com/sex/how-to-have-a-threesome
Hi Tim, The point is not that people (male or female) who like sex are bad (or idiots for that matter). Sex, when both (or all) participants are consenting and feel safe, is lots of fun! The point is that this video basically says that guys really only value women for sex and only tolerate them if there is a chance they might get laid. I think men are capable of a lot more than this “caveman” stereotype. Just the fact that there is a website like The Good Men Project proves this. It’s sad that these are the “most… Read more »
“admittedly by your standards everything I do looks like rape”
If it looks like a duck, waddles like a duck, and quacks like a duck…
…then it’s a f*cking duck.
Love to hear from the women you claim to have conquered with your manly ways.
Assman
Typo
“This is the first time in my life I have been called a feminist”
And it makes me smile 🙂
Hi Assman
I read your post a second time and wonder if you know how immature you are?
Here is your words:”Lesson…even if the girl refuses you repeatedly, the attempt can turn her on.”
Is this what this all about? Turning her on by stimulating her enough?
This is how pedophiles work with children. And I am sure they can confirm your words,:”children do not know what they want, be persistent, it will eventually turn them on…..”.
What is it that you are tring to prove Assman ?
Where you in love with these women?
“I read your post a second time and wonder if you know how immature you are?” Pretty immature. “Is this what this all about? Turning her on by stimulating her enough?” No. There is no “what is this all about”. Most of the time I am flying by the seat of my pants. But I know what I am aiming for….a satisfying sexual relationship. I have been there enough times to know approximately how to get there and what it looks like. “What is it that you are tring to prove Assman ? Where you in love with these women?”… Read more »
Assman This is the first time in my life I have been a feminist . But that is OK,it is not an insult. But men who think they know more about women than women themselves is interesting to meet. And yes,I have had sex and I know what that is all about. But you see I am not a dog, or a rabbit. I am a woman. And by the way,female rabbits and female dogs in heat is not passive. And since I am not Ameircan I do not buy your argument that women are passive . Maybe it is… Read more »
“And since I am not Ameircan I do not buy your argument that women are passive . Maybe it is the fate of American women in 2013.” What makes you think the girls I dated were American. I dated Japanese, Chinese, Polish, Indian …. all kinds of girls. I have date girls that are 10 years older and 10 years younger. I have dated assertive women and non-assertive women. The experiences with sex were always the same….women had a strong expectation that I would take the lead and were very strongly turned on when I did. My real question is… Read more »
Ok here is the first link I got for dog in heat on youtube.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UToSTrHQi9o
You tell me that that isn’t accurately described as males chasing females. And please show me the female dog chasing males dogs. Again you make me feel as if I am talking to someone living on an alien planet.
Hi Assman I will look at you tube tomorrow. You write:”✺ I do not like assertive women✺” ✺”women had a strong expectation that I would take the lead and were very strongly turned on when I did”✺ ✺” no does not mean no”✺ How taking the lead is the same as saying ✺”women do not know what they want”✺ is hard to understand. But I know this is how PUA talk. It is nothing wrong with taking the lead Assman. Disrespect of others boundaries is something else. As far as I know humans always had language. Unless they are babies.… Read more »
“And why are you so scared of assertive women?”
I am not scared of assertive women. I just don’t like them. I never liked them. Its always been an incredible turn off to me.
Why did you believe I was scared of them?
Hi Assman
I am now on summer vaction. And try to unplug…
When the summer is over here in the north I am glad to discuss with you again,if I see you write post and comments on different artickels.
And I promise to not to be so angry, but use my empathy and try to see the world through the eyes of a man in your culture. Maybe you even will share with us witch culture you are a part of?
As long as you honest you deserve answers and not to be ignored.
Have a good summer Assman!
As much as I hate stereotypes men only want sex, I cant help to laugh watch the video. Well because I like Smosh and I think they are hilarious.
And Ryan Gosling part is so funny lol.
And if GMP editors hate stereotypes about gender, why they always make an article about Emily’s videos? Her videos ( and Jenna Marbles ) are no less sexist than Smosh. But because they are females its okay?
“FYI, “no” means “no” and “yes” means “yes”, let’s not get that confused” No does not mean no and yes does not mean yes. It is confusing and saying let’s not get confused does not help. The whole no means no idea is based on the 3 fallacious ideas: 1) women don’t change their minds 2) all women are straightforward communicators 3) women know what they want. None of these three are correct. And persistence works with women extremely well. Here are the different experiences I have had contradicting no means no: 1) Told a girl I wanted to kiss… Read more »
Dear assman, Thank you for taking the time to share your experiences/opinions. However, I am saddened to hear that you would pressure women that you date to go past what they’re comfortable with just because you think you know what they want better than they do. What makes you think you know what a woman wants to do with her body better than she does? I’m assuming you would never want to sexually assault someone, right? When you push women after they’ve said no, you’re rolling the dice assuming that they really mean yes. What if they really do mean… Read more »
Thanks for the above link. I’ve been looking for a resource like this. And yes, I agree with you 100%.
– another real life breathing woman.
You’re welcome! And thanks!
I think the datesafeproject link is great for teenagers just starting dating. However tbh, it would be a turnoff if a guy asks me “May I kiss you please” It’d be like he’s asking for permission as if its something he wants from me, or that he isn’t confident. I think as adults, we can read the situation and know when its the right moment to escalate. It doesn’t have to be explicitly said.
This applies when a woman is already attracted to you.
This doesn’t apply when a man is trying to sell/prove himself to a woman, which is the case in dating in most cases.
“a lot of resistance from a girl was dating. Pushed onward. On one date pushed right into sexual contact which I later found out she didn’t want but agreed to, to please me” I’m not convinced this didn’t cross the line. I don’t think sexual activity that someone consents to, but doesn’t want is rape, but depending on how hard you pushed and what she meant by pleasing you, this could be problematic. Did she mean that she wanted to stop your nagging or that she was interested in you enough to consent to sex because she thought you wouldn’t… Read more »
Hi Assman
If you knew what YOU wanted with these women,how come they now all are history?
Did’t you want any of them after all?
That’s a bit unfair. There is nothing wrong with wanting sex for the sake of wanting sex. People wouldn’t suggest that there’s something wrong with a woman who dates a man even 2 or 3 times, accepts gifts, and ultimately decides that they aren’t a good fit. I’ve dated women before and have broken up over things people would consider minor. One woman did not have a good grasp of English and would almost never speak. I’d ask her if she wanted to go somewhere. She’d get up and grab her coat and I’d take it as a yes. There… Read more »
Hi John A. I agree. And I am the last to condem others for having sex,I question his attitudes. This young Assman is writing as if he is an expert. And say:” this is emperical reality”. But he could not even offer the girl a bed and safe environment for his love making. So he expects sex in the car or in the woods. He is not even enough man to bring her home. I am not impressed. Arousal is not consent! “No ” means no even if a person is hyper turned on. Arousal is not consent. Have you… Read more »
“If you knew what YOU wanted with these women,how come they now all are history? Did’t you want any of them after all?” One of them moved back to her home country and I didn’t want a long distance relationship. She actually wanted to marry me. That is the one John Anderson is asking about…2)/3) Another was cheating on her boyfriend with me. There were religious differences between us that made us incompatible. She eventually returned back to her boyfriend. I ended it with 4) and 5) very early on because I didn’t like the fact that they were too… Read more »