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This letter is not what I expected to write to you. I tried and tried but it came out all wrong. The truth is, telling you that I love you with all sorts of niceties is not appropriate at this stage in our relationship. We go way back and there is a lot of ground that must be covered first.
Let me start by giving you an honest, heartfelt apology. You tried with all of your might to be strong and let your light shine. Our grown-ups truly loved us but they didn’t love us the way we needed in order to grow strong and confident. As we grew older life became all the more confusing. Heartbreak swept us up like stunning, blinding hurricanes and you had to hide in order to survive. No, I hid you so we could survive. Instead of standing up for you and pulling you out of your shelter, I chose to keep you hidden and protected. I missed you dearly but the fear of losing you to life’s catastrophes overwhelmed me. I didn’t trust you or your strength. I am so sorry.
Your hiding spot was like a mother’s womb, small and dark, and safe. Your light continued to shine but it didn’t have enough air to grow. In fact, the longer I kept you hidden the smaller your light became. Yet, I never forgot you. I checked in with you regularly and promised you that one day I would let you out when it was safe. What I didn’t know, it doesn’t work that way.
You sacrificed everything for me because you recognized my fears, knowing I was in no position to humble myself. You knew I had a lesson to learn. They are my fears because you are not afraid. You, Little Heather, are brave and powerful. How clever you are to keep your light shining for so long in such a small space with very little to grow from. I’ve been afraid to show you to the world because I wasn’t ready to take my place and own where I belong. I’ve been called up many times to lead and I let it all pass me by, too afraid to accept. I’ve been nice and kind, I’ve been incredibly hurtful, I’ve let people walk all over me, I’ve blamed other people for killing my confidence, I’ve blamed myself for being weak.
Do you remember what Dad said to us a few years ago? In his brokenness, I had to call upon your help. It was then, when he had both of our attention, he asked me where my light went. I blamed him for my own brokenness, including many other people in my blame. Sure, other people hurt me when I was too young to understand but it wasn’t his or anyone else’s fault that I hid you. It was my choice, my fault. Sure, I was vulnerable and just a child when I was knocked down. However, you are that part of me that no one has power over. It’s all me. I chose to hide you. I own it and I am sorry.
The truth is, with you in the lead, my weakness doesn’t lead us. You know more than I. You know how fragile I am and you sacrificed yourself for me. I’m so tired though. I’m tired of being lonely. With you, there is no loneliness. It’s time to let you out. I’ve grown too much to be satisfied with my archaic set of tools, they no longer serve me. I’ve humbled myself to know that our health and future belong to you. My job is to preserve our well-being and it’s your job to lead us into living our purpose. It’s you that has the light, you should be guiding us through life. I don’t need to be in control anymore. Please come out Little Self and grow.
Self, you are kind, loving, considerate, sensitive, empathic, and perceptive. You are also powerful, confident, a truth-teller, tenacious, strong, a true force to be reckoned with. It’s time to let your light shine.
Love, Me the Ego
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Photo Credit: Getty Images