As an intuitive person, I enjoy being in the company of others who tap into their own abilities as a way of helping folks expand their horizons and offer a mirror into their own souls. I met Alyssa Martin at a local holistic fair and was drawn to her grounded mystic presentation. I placed my name in a container at her table to win a session with her. A few weeks ago, I received an email saying that I was one of the winners. I eagerly booked time with her and this morning, as I prepared, I wonder what issues would arise for me to explore. As a therapist, writer, storyteller, and speaker, I thought for sure by this point, I had dredged up a whole bunch of shit that I could use to fertilize my personal garden patch that had taken now more than 60 years to cultivate. At the appointed time, I dialed her number and although the ringing stopped, we couldn’t hear each other’s voices. She then called me and we found the same outcome. One more attempt and we were about to transfer to Skype to connect. Alyssa restarted her phone and ta-da…the third time was apparently the charm. I have found over the years that sometimes when I am attempting to call, record a podcast or video, the technical Force has not always been with us. She and I laughed at that paradigm.
Once the call began, she lulled me into a sense of deep relaxation in preparation for expressing and receiving messages that were meant to serve the intended purpose. Once I was in what I call ahhhh-mode, she asked me to imagine gazing into my own eyes in the mirror and contemplate this thought, “I could love you more if…” I was to be a free form, no censoring process in which, popcorn style, I would come up with ideas related to self-love. What came to mind immediately was:
- You were aging more gracefully.
- Your hips and knees didn’t creak and get stiff.
- Your body was in better condition/slimmer.
- Your income was commensurate with your skills and experience.
- You were more successful in all areas of your life.
- You were in a healthy, loving committed relationship with a partner.
- People asked you to work for them and paid you well.
- And here’s the biggie: If the persona you present to the world was the same as who you truly are.
Gulp… I’ve said things like that in the past, but this time, it resonated with power and poignancy that it had never before. Although I endeavor to be authentic, there are times when I hide behind a facade so as not to lose love or approval. I shared with Alyssa some seeds that had been planted in my childhood that blossomed with both beautiful flowers and choking weeds. I had learned to be the ‘good girl, to such an extent that when in 2nd grade I cheated on a math test by glancing at another student’s paper and someone saw me and told the teacher, her response was, “Oh, Edie would never do that.” I was relieved since I had a rep to maintain. I wonder how I could have looked that kid in the eye after that, and even now, all these years later, I feel shame over it.
I told her that I am still punishing myself for things I have done in the past by depriving myself (even unconsciously) of those items on the initial list. Alyssa then asked how I could rewrite that narrative. My response was, “I can recognize the things I have done in the past.” In that way, I could still be accountable without beating up on myself.
The next step was to be as compassionate toward myself as I am to friends and clients, speaking to myself in the same supportive way.
Here’s what I came up with: “If I really wanted to, I could fully embody the person I present myself to be. I could speak to myself the way I tell my clients to speak to themselves, with more consistency.
Alyssa asked me to come with what she calls a power statement.
I’m recognizing things I’ve done in the past, and that I have a choice to move forward and make better choices now. I am making better choices now. I tell people how I feel honestly and compassionately. I allow myself to feel the full range of emotions and to be human.
When I peel off the mask to reveal the real, I can look myself in the eyes with acceptance and at least at that moment, couldn’t possibly love myself more.
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