We come into this world sweet, innocent, loving, playful, curious, and excited to go on this wild ride called life.
We’re sent from Creation itself, and like all children, we are PURE LOVE PRESENCE in human form.
Our Mission:
To BE FULLY OURSELVES.
Then one day while you’re doing life, your dad, a teacher, a bully, a group, a girlfriend, society, or even your own mother says:
“Just Man Up and Get Over It.”
That’s when it starts, the damage that would inevitably ignite the downward spiral that makes so many of us men put on our first mask, cover up, and bury our true individual Soul expression.
Game on.
We go searching and looking for models on how to be a “real man.”
|
We start stuffing our feelings, emotions, and our pain in the spiritual basement of our own Souls, because we learned that it’s not OK to BE OURSELVES, or to show our feelings, emotions, fears, and pain.
As boys, we want to be accepted, to fit in, find our identity, and most importantly to be loved by our fathers, and we’ll do anything to make it happen, even it means losing ourselves, (for a while).
We go searching and looking for models on how to be a “real man.”
It might be our father, a celebrity, business man, athlete, or rock star, whatever we think will make us “good enough.”
We’ve had decades of negative programming embedded in us that has f**ked a lot of us up and smacked our joy, longings, and truth right out the back door, leaving us looking for it along with our lost innocence.
The Old School Way
This is the way I was brought up and so were way too many other men.
I had a father who was a tough navy man who wasn’t really able to express himself or talk deeply about matters of the heart. An only child, he came from a generation of unawakened and ignorant parents, he meant well, and came a long way from his upbringing.
The Expectations Were, (spoken and unspoken):
-Don’t ever cry, it’s a sign of weakness.
-Never let people know you’re afraid.
-Bury your emotions deep down, they’re in your head, just man up!
-Feelings are for girls.
-Don’t be vulnerable or people will think you’re a pussy.
-Don’t let anybody disrespect you or you’ll have to show ‘em what’s up.
-You have to be cool, rich, successful, and macho to be somebody and to have women attracted to you.
-Screw your heart, do whatever it takes to be successful, otherwise you’re a loser in the world’s eyes, and maybe secretly in your family’s eyes.
My father was an amazing man.
He had a big heart, and did anything and everything he knew how to show his love, his way, for our family and me, he just did it from his filter, from his generation, the one without too much talking and definitely no hugging or I love you’s, yet I knew he did.
He was a poster boy for a macho bad ass man who just wanted to support his family and do his best. He really had a sweetness about him underneath his own flaws and fears that not many got to see, until later in life.
I admired him in SO many ways, because he was SO damn strong.
When I watched him and his strong persona fade from kidney disease and Parkinson’s, it was one of the hardest things I’ve had to witness. He stood to his dying day with SO much power, humility, self deprecation, and humor that I will always remember his strength, and all the badassery in how he lived his life.
The New School Way
After 20+ years of deep work on myself, this is my new lens for being a REAL MAN.
The Expectations Are:
-Express your feelings and sensitivity.
-Don’t be afraid to cry.
-Know your vulnerability is strength not weakness.
-Have and share tremendous love, compassion, empathy, and joy.
-Follow your heart.
-Stand strong in the name of love even when you’re afraid, for your woman, your family, and your purpose.
The Challenge
Although the newer evolved version for men (and women) is beautiful and brings me and countless others around the world so MUCH MORE joy, love, happiness, romance, passion, connection, and truth; both models have flaws.
I will take the new model anytime over the old one, which unfortunately still runs rampant in the world.
Both of them have an unspoken pressure and expectation within them that I still feel at times, and a lot of men I consult with express it too, that we have to BE rocking it in the world and be our strong Warrior self in our relationships all the time.
It’s impossible and it can be exhausting, and is a big source of men’s pain.
What I see is that both men AND women are societal targets of the same big fat lie.
We’ve both been programmed since birth to live as we’re expected to BE from the media, movies, fairy tales, celebrities, and consumerism that has knocked us all off of our center in one way or another.
It even caused the boom in the self help industry and the cosmetic surgery industry, among others, so we can “fix” what’s wrong with us and live up to the expectations that society places on us.
It’s a LIE.
You, me, ALL of us are NOT and have NEVER been broken or not good enough.
That is the cancer that has spread to so many beautiful Beings, feminine and masculine alike in the name of consumerism.
I know this to be true…
Men have suffered quietly for generations through the demand of false programming, and women have suffered endlessly for far too long through the intense expectations put upon them, i.e. you have to look young, you have to be gorgeous at all times, you have to have a “to die for” body, perfect teeth, large chest, wear designer clothes, and on and on.
When I see a woman, I see a beautiful, loving, open-hearted being who makes the world a better place just with her core essence.
Most of us have had our masks on for a lifetime while suppressing our true selves and have been hiding at least some part of ourselves, and that in of itself, is absolutely exhausting.
The good news is…
That we’re ALL waking up.
We’re taking our power back.
We’re seeing behind the curtain and exposing the illusion of expectations, perfection, and the programmed way of being for what it is.
We’re REMEMBERING the TRUTH…
That WE are ALL amazing, beautiful, GOOD ENOUGH, and perfect EXACTLY as we are WITHOUT our masks.
We are CREATED from LOVE, here to love, here to share our gifts, to BE OURSELVES, and to SHINE our UNIQUE version of the LIGHT that we come from.
We want to be free to share our hearts, our souls, our pain, our struggles, and our “stuff” WITHOUT fear of judgment or criticism, and STILL BE OK.
|
What we REALLY all want is closeness, connection, love, compassion, acceptance, authenticity, to be seen, to be heard, true self expression, to live our own truth, to stand spiritually naked with empathy for all, and to not be afraid to let people see the REAL us.
We want to be free to share our hearts, our souls, our pain, our struggles, and our “stuff” WITHOUT fear of judgment or criticism, and STILL BE OK.
And to…
Finally take off the masks that we’ve worn and BE OURSELVES.
One of my favorite singer/songwriters, Alicia Keys, who is absolutely stunning and gorgeous inside and out, recently announced that she was done with makeup and she showed up at the VMA awards ceremony without an ounce of it on to make her bold statement real.
I believe her message below to be true for both men and women…
And it will ultimately set us ALL free.
Her words speak VOLUMES of TRUTH, and align with my own heart and message to the world:
“I don’t want to cover up anymore. Not my face, not my mind, not my soul, not my thoughts, not my dreams, not my struggles, not my emotional growth. Nothing.”
My personal prayer is that we ALL take a look inside, be willing to let go of all the unwanted noise, to get spiritually naked, to walk in OUR truth, to let go of all the expectations, and to just BE and LOVE OURSELVES exactly as we are.
This is your Soul Calling for you to Stand in YOUR Truth and BE your awesome, imperfect, crazy, beautiful SELF from this day forward.
I SEE YOU.
—
This post is republished on Medium.
***
The Good Men Project gives people the insights, tools, and skills to survive, prosper and thrive in today’s changing world. A world that is changing faster than most people can keep up with that change. A world where jobs are changing, gender roles are changing, and stereotypes are being upended. A world that is growing more diverse and inclusive. A world where working towards equality will become a core competence. We’ve built a community of millions of people from around the globe who believe in this path forward. Thanks for joining The Good Men Project.
Support us on Patreon and we will support you and your writing! Tools to improve your writing and platform-building skills, a community to get you connected, and direct access to our editors and publisher. Your support will help us build a better, more inclusive world for all.
***
Photo credit: Shutterstock
Articles like this give me the strength and resolve to remember the world really is changing. I have been working through one of the facts of my life lately which is, the better trial lawyer, woman and person I have become in this life the more resistance I have met from the men in power and the women who live in that same paradigm. I have always believed that devoting yourself to living a better life was the way to guarantee that you would live a successful life but I have learned that is not true. If you live a… Read more »
Awe, thank you SO much Debbie for sharing your story, feelings, and experiences. I for one as a conscious man, feel very excited and proud of you for KNOWING your TRUE WORTH despite the boxes of conformity trying to shrink you. I know especially in your profession, there isn’t a lot of evolved conscious men haha, but the beauty of this path, to me the ONLY path is to thine self be true no matter what the so called rules are. REALLY appreciate your comment and sharing your truth with me. SO glad that I was able to spark some… Read more »
Unfortunately BOTH genders enforce these stereotypes , women are just as cruel to ” sensitive ” men , if not more so , than other men , men are backed into a corner here !!
Pretty much, Kevin.
I watched a video of a woman that posed as a man while dating, she later confessed that most women want exactly that “macho” kind of guy.
Scott is correct on a great many things, but until we open this conversation up, stop shielding women from accountability, continually blame men, it simply is not going to advance.
How can it if no one is out there working to change female expectation, the one’s we are suppose to be invincible for? Right? We all own this.
Great conversations here Kevin and DJ, thanks for joining in! I agree there’s room for A LOT of discussion between the genders, to create a safe ground for all of us, with no finger point or blaming, more about self expression, feelings, and what’s working and what’s not. In this particular article my main point of view was to show that these societal rules and programming have hurt so many of us men AND women. There’s no denying that within each gender, there are people that live from the heart and are very conscious, as well as people who have… Read more »
“I think it comes down to what feels right and what flows for an individual.”
Oh, if we can only get there, Scott.
We keep the conversation going. No shame, no blame, just open and honest dialogue, with that as the end result.
YES thank you DJ, that is the key my friend, keep the conversation going, safe, authentic, real, raw, and honest dialogue with NO shame or blame, then we can shake this place up!
Thanks for keeping the conversation going.
A truly inspiring piece. Thank you
Thank you VERY much Howard, appreciate the kind words brother!
Beautiful article. It is about time we got rid of this old school garbage.
Thank you very much, appreciate you, and YES I agree, it’s destroyed men for WAY too long. Thanks for reading it and leaving a comment!
You are welcome. Our society has been too long dominated by this stuff when you look at how they have been the dominant theme in TV shows, movies, radio programs, magazines, fiction and non-fiction books and in places like Corporate America, police departments, the medical profession, and the military. In addition, you have a lot of women who seem to support this old school garbage and then, it backfires on them. If God did not want people to have a full range of emotions, he should had not given them to us in the first place.