I have found over the years that my emotions give me a clues to what is going on inside me. When I pay attention to them I am able to come from a place of creation rather than reaction. when I ignore them they leak out in unconscious ways and stand between me and my deepest desires.
I have been sitting in a whirl of emotions. It seems like every time I move through a bout of tears another wave is following shortly behind. I found myself in tears at how people were vilifying the Canadian Prime Minister, Justin Trudeau, for sending compassion to the people of Cuba after Castro’s transition. A wave took me over when I watched a news piece about how seniors are being treated in society and how in so many other places we seem to be coming up short as a society. It feels like I am sensing a general discourse in the world and that it is showing up in my body in emotions.
I was walking my beloved dog tonight and the emotions hit again, but this time they came from a deeper understanding in me. An understanding that I have been making others wrong, such as the people condemning Trudeau over Castro. There is a woman in the campground I am staying in who is battling addictions and I condemned her for it in my mind. There are men on the Reclaim Your Inner Throne journey that I am on who are not living up to what I feel they should be doing, I find myself judging them. My beloved…
No one is living up to my expectations! No one understands what’s at stake if they do not ‘tow the line’ that is only in my mind. It’s time for them to get down to work. To ‘do’ things. To expend energy and push forward carrying a banner of ‘Look At Me… I’m doing something… Fuck!
In that moment of realization my body convulsed as the tears could not be subdued. Then coughing and spitting erupted as something was expelled from my body… from my bones. I am not sure exactly what it was. But I have an sense of what it might be.
What l believe left me was the judgment that I have levied on myself which leaks out to things outside myself. This was showing up all around me. I was trapped! The world was my mirror. Especially the person I love the most. As I watched her move through her own similar experiences for the last few weeks. I judged her as I told myself she was living in a delusion waiting for something to happen.
I judged myself, for being pulled into that place, and it was somehow giving me the excuse not to work hard. That I could just be and not do. I struggle with the paradox because I know how powerful it is when I get out of my own way and remember I am a creature of divinity. That I am entitled to happiness, prosperity and deep connected love. And when I do, doors open, people show up, and the universe does what she does best… provide. But my upbringing and society say you have to work hard to get what you want. You have to ‘put in the time’. If not you will get what you deserve.
The Darkness and the Light…
Wow… get what I deserve.
The deep story inside me is that I do not deserve anything. My father always told me I was useless, ignorant kid. That I would not have anything if I did not work hard, scrimp and save. Well he’s right! I do not have anything. No pension, no savings, no house. I do, however, have freedom. I do have a vision and a mission. I do have a beloved that shows me everyday that I am not what I think I am. I have men around me that support, love and challenge me, and I support love and challenge them.
I am bringing my message to the world through my own offering Men’s Authenticity Network and Reclaim Your Inner Throne. I am not prospering financially in this moment. But I have no doubt as divinity moves through me that my desires will be met.
As the King dispatches the Warrior to get a task complete or push up against a new edge. He may call upon the Magician to help work with a client or step into the mystery with curiosity, reverence and ritual. The King may also dispatch the Lover to play in that magical place with his beloved and share ecstasy with her as we both embrace the Divine and experience more through our love making. The King revels in his realm as all aspects are whole and in service.
I have moved through a large piece here for me to feel, experience and embrace. It is in the embracing, of the pieces of myself, that I do not particularly like, that wholeness and freedom can be found. If I rejected them, then I would be rejecting myself. When I reject pieces myself they will just keep showing up seeking attention in many different ways.
In the Reclaim Your Inner Throne process I learned about bringing the disowned parts of myself home. This work is on the leading edge of men’s work and will be the gold standard on transformation. It is a way for men to get in touch with their inner King, Warrior, magician and Lover. It is here that the lessons of learning to live with emotions can be learned.
My beloved’s love and compassion has catapulted me into a new place of existence. One that is scary at times but one that I wholeheartedly embrace as we walk together as one. Her love buoys me to new heights as I continue to trust, surrender and let the magic in. I would counsel men to look at where they are loved and allow that love to life them up. It will also reveal the places that still need attention in you.
Men have been taught to ignore their emotions and bottle them up inside deep inside. People say they remain solid and dependable, but is that true? I have learned, from my experience, that the joy and the beauty comes from acknowledging your emotions and encouraging them to flow. From that flow vulnerability takes the drivers seat and a hidden strength is revealed. When men do this they become powerful beyond words. A power that stems from the core not the mind.
That is what happened for me as I remained sitting in the whirl of emotions that were inside me. Perhaps a new gift of self awaits you…
Previously published on Richard Arsic
Photo: Getty Images