When I began working as a cashier at Victoria’s Secret, my first few weeks were rough. There’s a lot you have to learn quickly, about how to ring someone out, and just the product in general. It may be obvious to say, but women have a lot of options when it comes to bras; and if you’ve ever found yourself in an undergarment retailer trying to choose something out, you might have been overwhelmed by the variation.
But that’s a topic for a later column. Today, I’m going to focus purely on things I learned not to say when ringing customers up. Sometimes these are things that just naturally come out, like 1-3, and 5. But most of these you will likely never say–because you’re not me, and you’re not an idiot.
So, if you’ve just gotten a job at Victoria’s Secret, or are thinking about applying, here are 11 things you shouldn’t say when working at the cash/wrap.
#1 –“I can check you out right here!”
#2 — “I’ll take you right here if you’re ready.”
#3 — “I don’t think this will fit in there.”
Yes, 1-3 may sound like a bad setups for “That’s what she said,” jokes, but they’re honestly things you might say—or hear your female coworkers saying. Most customers don’t think too much of it, but in the end, it’s better just to practice saying, “I can help you right here if you’re ready!”
#4 — “These panties are really…cool.”
One of the first things they train you on at Victoria’s Secret is what to say to customers when going through a transaction. 1. Ask if they found everything OK. 2. Reinforce their purchase decisions. 3. Recommend other items they may like. 4. Ask if they’re interested in the store credit card. 5. Thank them for their purchase.
On my first day, on top of everything else I had to remember about using the cash register, which is more complex than most laptops, I made a concerted effort to stick to the script. A woman with short blonde hair walked up to the register and handed me a few panties she purchased.
“Did you find everything OK?” I said.
“Yes, I did,” she said evenly.
OK, now compliment her on her purchase.
“These panties,” I said, holding them up, “are really…cool. I like the…stripes.”
She looked at me quizzically then said, “Thanks.”
“You should check out the other ones we have…over there,” I pointed to the PINK section. “They’d look really good…on you.”
“Ok,” she said, “I will.”
Desperate to change the subject, I remembered to ask her about the Victoria’s Secret credit card.
“Are you shopping with your Angel Card today?”
“No I am not,” she said.
“Do you have an Angel Card?”
“No, I do not.”
“Well you should. It’s a really…great thing to be apart of.”
I’d blanked on all the selling points. Then again, I was blanking on everything.
#5 — “So…when are you due?”
While this may seem obvious, when you’re a man working at Victoria’s Secret, desperately looking for ways to make conversation with the person whose underwear you’re folding, you may let it slip. I thankfully made it out of there without it ever happening, but I did utter this doozy at one point:
#6 — “Welcome to Victoria’s Secret: We don’t have a nursing line, but our stuff will get you pregnant.”
This one actually came to me from a customer who first made it known she was pregnant, then asked why we didn’t have a nursing line.
“You guys should have a warning label on this stuff,” she said, rubbing her belly. “Like, ‘We don’t have a nursing line, but our stuff will get you pregnant.’ ”
When I later told this to another pregnant woman wondering why we didn’t have a nursing line, the store manager pulled me aside and kindly asked that I never say it again.
#7 — “Oh, the old hook-in-the-panty trick! I haven’t seen this one done in years!”
This tumbled out of my mouth one afternoon when an older gentleman, probably in his mid- to late-70s, walked up the cash/wrap with some panties he wanted to return. He was kind of spacey, wearing white cargo shorts, a ball cap, and a faded, green t-shirt with a fish embroidered on the breast pocket. All of this is completely normal in my books, particularly the spaciness, which is how most men appear when walking around the store. The only thing that threw me off was the phrase he had stitched above the fish, which read, in white lettering, “Poon Camp.”
Again, I gave him the benefit of the doubt. Perhaps he didn’t know what “poon” actually meant, or maybe there was some fishing connotation I wasn’t aware of. But when, moments later, I pulled a panty out of the bag and found attached to it a large, multi-hooked fishing lure, I wasn’t sure what the hell to make of him.
“Oh,” he said. “Woops.”
His face turned red, and trying to break the awkwardness, I blurted out, “Oh, the old hook-in-the-panty trick! I haven’t seen this one done in years! Did it work? Did you get her?!”
Embarrassed, and looking to see if anyone heard me, he muttered something along the lines of, “Uh, no. No. Uh…” Then took his receipt and promptly left.
#9 — “Man, that was a good year…”
It’s hard to imagine that being a straight, male cashier at Victoria’s Secret could ever get dull, but it does. And you’ll try to find ways to entertain yourself during the process, whether with bagging or small comments, etc. One of the ways I found to get around the monotony was seeing the price of a customer’s purchase and saying, “Man, that was a good year!”
For example, with tax, items would consistently ring up to $18.03, which, when you remove the decimal and dollar sign, and you’ve got 1803, one the greatest years in American history. “That’s when Jefferson made the Louisiana Purchase,” I’d clarify to customers, who nodded, waiting for their receipts.
While history lessons are great for the classroom, I can assure you they are not when people are trying to buy high-leg briefs. I never really knew where to stop, and somewhere around my saying, “Then, of course, you have the Lewis & Clark expedition,” I found customers suddenly getting phone calls.
#9 — “I’m not sure if you’re aware of it, but you have a noodle on your boob.”
This one, I have to admit, could go either way. Women were often very forward with me in conversation, something that my coworkers attributed to them thinking I was a homosexual. “No woman would just talk to a strange, straight man about her new breast implants. They think you’re gay.”
But I was still wary when a customer walked up to the cash/wrap one afternoon and had a small noodle riding on her left breast. This sent me into a panic.
Do I tell her about it and admit that I was looking at her chest? Or do I simply let her walk out of here and wonder why everyone keeps asking if she had Italian for lunch?
In the end I just went for it and told her. She was overjoyed. “Oh my god, thank you!” she looked down, wiping it off. “I just ate at Carrabba’s, and if you hadn’t said anything, I probably would have walked around like this all day.”
“No problem,” I told her. “It’s all in a day’s work.”
#10 — “This thing reminds me of a rabbit pelt.”
I’ll admit it: This is the weirdest thing I’ve ever said to a person. For some reason, when women walked up with several bras and laid them down on the counter, it always reminded me of some 18th century fur trader laying down a collection of rabbit pelts from the frontier. I blame Ken Burns’ documentaries for this association. While I’m sure you probably won’t have this same thought, let alone utter it, if you do, just be ready for confusion and concern-edging-on-fear.
#11 — “Was the availability of ass helpful in making their purchase?”
At the beginning of every shift at Victoria’s Secret, you’re required to do the “warm-up,” which is a recorded message from the opening manager telling you how we did sales-wise the day before. They then let you know what your goals are for the day. For everyone who isn’t an audible learner, like myself, they also write down your focus. “Average dollar sales,” they might write, or “Conversion,” which is the fancy retail term for how many people we convince to buy things. They may also say availability of assistance, knowledge of associate, friendliness of associate, the Angel Card or a specific bra line. There’s no rhyme or reason to it; they just choose them at random it seems.
I particularly enjoyed it when they made our focus “associate friendliness,” as there was always a manager who, still asleep in the morning, abbreviates it to say “ass. friendliness.” Even better is when they choose availability of assistance, as it always becomes “availability of ass.”
I couldn’t imagine pleasing customers more than with the friendliness of my ass—or for some special customer, the availability of my ass. It made me wonder about the surveys Victoria’s Secret put on their receipts. Most of the questions were the normal, customer service related bits, asking about their in-store experience and satisfaction with the product. But I’m still curious to know how a customer would react to being asked about the availability of ass. Was it helpful in making their purchase? Did they receive it fast enough? Would they recommend it to a friend? I’d love to know the answers to all of these questions.
I just wouldn’t ask them if I were you.
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Photo: Getty Images
Lol. This could get a great book someday. You still there? You’re goal was to understand women. Good luck. Personally to know that I’d go with the gay routine. You’ll get more honest answers. But to be fair, everyone wears underwear. For the most part. Some softer and more of a design, and for women more of a fashion for a something else reason. But there’s a weirdness about lingerie that is more than it needs to be. I suspect it’s because it’s the thinnest amount of fabric between here and nirvana. And the ladies know it. But they don’t… Read more »
I’ve been trying to turn it into some kind of text! But the backstory (which I’m currently writing) has evaded me for years. Not that I don’t know what to tell, it’s that when I get ready to tell it, I mentally freeze up. It’s like my subconscious doesn’t want it told.
Looking back, I’d say VS is a good place to learn about women because your coworkers will likely be all women–and all different. The customers varied, as well. If you were conducting a real experiment, that variation and sample size are what you’re looking for!