Nick Bhasin has discovered that there are a lot of things the toy companies aren’t telling us.
As a parent, it is my duty to become outraged about everything even remotely related to children. I mean, if I don’t, who will? The children? They’re idiots!
So when I read that people were complaining that certain baby products that did not promise to do what they advertised, I was appalled, humiliated, shocked and saddened, all at the same time.
How DARE Baby Einstein not turn my little miracle baby into a genius? Why else would I buy something called Baby Einstein if I didn’t want my small child to rattle off complex equations and theorems? Because it’s fun? Please. Who’s “Baby Einstein” fun for? No one, that’s who.
But if a big company like Disney is pulling these kinds of shenanigans, can you imagine who else might be?
It was that horrifying thought that sent me digging for other baby products that were making advertising promises they weren’t keeping. What I found was appalling, humiliating, shocking and saddening.
And so, on behalf of these products, I would like to make the following corrections:
1. Mr. Potato Head is not made out of potato.
2. Cabbage Patch Kids do not make a “great salad”.
3. Playskool Sesame Street Smart Phone doesn’t make you smart.
4. Little Tikes Get Out N’ Grill Barbecue Set can not guarantee “a kick ass meat party”.
5. Fisher-Price Rainforest Melodies & Lights Deluxe Gym is not “the best place to work on your baby quads”.
6. Playskool Busy Basics Step Start Walk ‘n Ride can not go up to 200 miles per hour.
7. Fisher-Price Precious Planet Crib and Floor Piano can not be played “at Carnegie Hall before paying customers.”
8. Doc McStuffins Doctor’s Dress Up Set does not qualify a baby to perform spinal surgery.
9. Infantino Comforting Bundle can’t actually “safeguard against deep depression”.
10. LEGO Legends of Chima Crug’s Swamp Jet can’t outrun a crocodile.
11. Strawberry Shortcake Frutti Cutie Chef Set doesn’t “make ugly kids become more attractive”. Not even temporarily.
12. LeapFrog My Own LeapTop can not be used to “erase your speeding tickets”.
13. Fisher-Price Servin’ Surprises Cook ‘n Serve Kitchen and Table Set does not provide “more surprises than a Congressional hearing”.
14. Just Like Home My Cleaning Trolley with Vacuum Cleaner can’t “clean your soul”.
15. Zillionz Jr. Checkbook can not be used to “settle daddy’s gambling debts”.
16. The Home Depot Weed Trimmer can not “handle all different kinds of weed, depending on how you like to party. Wink.”
17. The Home Depot Leaf Blower does not provide “immaculate blowjobs”.
18. The Home Depot Chainsaw is not the “perfect revenge-maker”.
19. Barbie Hug ‘N Heal Pet Doctor Kit can’t heal “all manner of pox or scurvy”.
20. Secret Code Vault Jr. will not “survive a nuclear holocaust”.
Originally publised at daddylittlemiracle.com
—Photo Todd Horner/Flickr