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I was born August 8, 1988 (8-8-88), which, during my childhood, was a source of pride. It was good luck, for sure, but that doesn’t mean my life has always been easy. I did grow up with a lot of privilege in many ways, including with race, class, and gender, but I’m also Autistic and gay, and I never fit in just about any place for the first 18 years of my life.
I wasn’t sure I’d always make it to 30. I was suicidal when I was 10, but a lot has changed in my life, including me changing. I credit a lot to my family for seeking out help that I needed—resources that not everyone can access, to be sure—but even they would tell you, that help never would have worked had I not been willing to try something different. I just wanted to get better.
Hitting 30 is a dreaded milestone for many, but I relish the opportunity to grow. I’m perpetually restless, always wanting to be more—to be harder, better, faster, stronger, as Daft Punk (and Kanye West) would say. Growth has always been important to me, and the fact that I’m still here, thriving as much as I am, means a lot to me and is a testament to my tenacity.
I have written numerous articles about struggling to find strengths in my disabilities. I don’t know if I’m at the point where I’m grateful for every rough circumstance in my life, but I’m a lot closer to that predicament than I’ve ever been.
I’m going to try to delineate some of my growth in a list because lists help me streamline how I think and still only hint at the sheer volume of ways that I’ve worked to come as far as I have. So, here are 30 ways that I have grown and am growing at 30:
1. I have worked really hard to love myself, and though I still get down on myself sometimes, I know that I don’t need to.
2. I reach out to others when I need help.
3. I have worked to sing well, including in public, despite a lack of formal training.
4. I have worked through a lot of insecurities attained from others’ bullying, including for my singing—and I might be starting to transcend them.
5. I have worked some really difficult jobs and been able to stick it out as much as I was able to.
6. I have become able to set better boundaries, no matter how uncomfortable that can be.
7. I have become able to cultivate relationships with people across different communities.
8. I have sought out and found communities, including when I would have rather isolated myself, that appreciate me for who I am.
9. I have gotten substantially funnier as I’ve grown into myself more.
10. I graduated from college after a long, hard struggle to get there, involving multiple majors and a fifth year.
11. I have put my work out there and worked to better understand, absorb, and deflect criticism.
12. I have worked really hard to develop positive relationships with people in my family.
13. I have worked to not talk at people and become a better listener.
14. I have survived a lot of death around me, but I work through my grief to become stronger and more grateful.
15. I have gratitude that I didn’t use to have for my life.
16. I am grateful for my Autism.
17. I know that I can write songs today.
18. I have tried a lot of things that were out of my comfort zone, including acting, and gained more confidence in the process.
19. In 2018, I had my greatest leadership experience to date, facilitating an event for over 30 people.
20. I wrote and performed a very special song that took enormous courage to get up and sing in front of a big crowd at college, and it still does whenever I perform it.
21. I am working actively on better managing my money after years of struggling.
22. I am eating less and walking more these days, which is helping my sleep and mood.
23. I have worked to talk slower, including on the radio, where I’ve hosted shows to showcase my eclectic musical tastes and knowledge.
24. I am now working more than ever before, and people appreciate the work that I do.
25. I am writing a lot more, and I’ve worked really hard to become a better writer.
26. I have earned multiple awards for my writing and my articles, as well a membership in an international English honor society.
27. I have two degrees in literature, including a graduate degree, when literature has always been a struggle for me with my Autism and resultant literal tendencies.
28. I am pursuing opportunities in teaching, which is something I thought could never happen.
29. I have worked really hard to challenge my own prejudice plus power (including racism,) including my actively challenging dominant racist narratives about music and culture.
30. I am considering writing a book soon.
I should add that at Thanksgiving this year, going around the room and saying what we were grateful for, I pared down the long list in my head by just saying, “I’m grateful that I made it to 30 because I didn’t always think that I would make it this far.”
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Photo: Getty Images