“Today, you will have hot water,” Founder said.
It was my last day of detox. ‘Hot water’ meant downing a litre of warm salt water. I was instructed to stretch after every cup. I performed this task out on the organic farm, breathing in fresh air. Ten minutes after returning the empty pot, the salt water began churn and I spent the next 15 minutes on the throne in what felt like a complete bodily flush of my entire digestive system from the day I was born.
I emerged from the bathroom a new being. Empty and hungry for life. I heated some soy milk and fed Simba, the mouse. Then I placed him in my front chest pocket for the day.
Reading through Thich Nhat Hanh’s book, Fear: Essential Wisdom for Getting Through the Storm, he was explaining how sometimes, when someone hurts us, we can jump to the wrong perception. And until we can sit with the person who we feel has wronged us and receive an understanding, we will carry that wrong perception and it’ll eat away at us for the entire time we hold on to it.
I put the book down and thought of the weeks building up to her first ‘meeting’ with him, while we were still very much together. At the beginning of that same month, I had completed a silent meditation course and had returned lighter and more open to everything she was demanding, including full disclosure of our open relationship. I explained to her that if she felt the need to explore new connections, I could handle it. I would respect it.
“Just be honest and open with me about it.”
She had decided that I wasn’t ready. Only she got to decide when and if I was ready to hear anything. She could not trust – or perhaps, handle the fact – that I was ready. Perhaps she felt she would lose power, control if she could be so free.
Perhaps to her it was that ‘danger’ element of going around in secrecy, adding to the thrill. I don’t know about these things. I don’t understand the need for secrecy. It’s how our story had begun as well. We had to hide that we were together for almost a month.
I then thought of the dinner party, when I seized the opportunity to speak with him for a moment, just to ask for some time for a mano-a-mano conversation. His cowardly reaction and her explosive detonation confirmed all my suspicions. Yet, they continued to hold onto the lie.
She seemed willing to ride it out for as long as possible.
Was my approach wrong? Was my perception wrong? To confirm my suspicions so that it wouldn’t eat away at me? So I wouldn’t develop resentment towards her or him? He seems to be a good enough guy and makes her happy but how long do they have to drag me through their bullshit for?
Or is it just me dragging myself through the bullshit?
During our time together I never called her names. Never talked down to her or belittle her. I did pass judgement. I put a mirror to her being and showed her up on everything that was hurtful, not just to me but also to others that she wasn’t aware of. Actions that to this day she still follows and doesn’t even realise how many friends have stopped regarding her as one.
I had anger issues when we met. She had presented that aspect of me to me and really shook me awake. I immediately sought out the help needed to deal with them. I partook in a silent meditation course, I worked online with a therapist to deal with my military PTSD and I then went through another healing workshop.
I felt cleansed and still do. I now carry less anger. In fact, I don’t feel anger any more. Looking back, yes, I had anger issues but I now realise that she has rage issues. And she tested my patience bringing my ability to facilitate her rage to a whole new level that I never even knew I was capable of.
“You won’t feel the effects of the detox right away,” Founder explained after lunch. “It can be days or weeks.” Like with most treatments.
Physically, I felt amazing. Emotionally, I also felt great but that afternoon a sudden shift occurred. Something was stirring inside me and it was no longer the salt water. I was overcome with a sudden frazzling sensation. That something wasn’t kosher.
I bee-lined to the yoga challah in the banana grove and tried to be still with myself and meditate. I was restless and couldn’t reach stillness. Even Simba, the mouse, couldn’t dissolve away this sudden sadness and frazzling I was feeling.
I returned to the kitchen where I was helping prepare a feast for the evening along with the other volunteers. As the cooking progressed, my energy shifted and I began to smile. That night we celebrated with Founder and his family, treating them to foods they had never experienced before, all served on banana leaves.
Our dinner was a hit and after some home-made cookies baked in the cob oven, I went over to feed Simba.
“He’s opened his eyes,” I returned proudly, like a parent who had watched their baby take its first steps. Everyone congratulated me. “I wish had some cigars to hand out to you guys,” I joked.
I was enjoying taking care of the little guy. It was a beautiful moment and I was proud that I had managed to survive him far enough for him to open his eyes and see the world.
See me.
It made me wonder about his perception of everything. Would it match what he had been hearing and smelling until now?
Or would it be out of whack, and maybe he’d prefer to keep his eyes closed? Stay in the not-knowing realm?
Should I have stayed in the not-knowing realm?
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