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Exactly six years and three weeks ago today, I made the painful decision to walk out of an abusive marriage. Mouthing words of “Girl Power”, “I can do it on my own” and my favorite, “Who needs a man anyway?” I took my two sons, my little daughter and a few suitcases of clothes and marched off into the future to start a new life of rainbows, sunshine, and blissful happiness.
I imagined us living in splendor, laughter would ring out every day, I would make giant leaps in my career and finances (more about that some other time), the kids would have the best grades in school and wouldn’t even notice the absence of their grumpy dad.
So I thought, at the time.
Why, you may ask, did I take this step? After all, this hell had been mine for about a decade and I already knew the streets well. I had learned to cope with the abuse and constant anger from my spouse. The fear of the unknown also held me bound.
You see, their dad had an issue with anger. He knew it. I knew it. The members of both our families knew it. Without going into too much detail, he would flare up at the most trivial issues like the boys leaving toys on the floor (when they were as young as four and two years old) and yell at them at the top of his voice.
Several attempts to get him into anger management or counseling failed. He just would not admit he had a problem. Like I said earlier, I still held on till I began to notice a more frightening effect on my boys and that was the tipping point for me.
Like most young children constantly confronted with an angry parent or adult, the boys began demonstrating these traits:
Anxiety
The daily fear of the reaction to their yelling dad made them constantly anxious and worried.
It broke my heart every time they did something wrong and they would run to me pleading for help and asking “will daddy be angry with me?” I began to notice they would run to their room once they heard his car in the driveway. The older boy was constantly confused. He found it hard to make the smallest decisions for fear of his father’s tongue lashing.
His teacher in school began to notice these changes too. For example, he was restless in class one day and his teacher in an effort to make him behave threatened to tell his dad. He was so scared that he began to throw up! His grades were falling and he was terrified of the dark for reasons we could not explain. Both boys also began clinging to me a lot which angered him more. They were lively and noisy outside, but once they came home; silence.
Low Self Esteem
Children continuously faced with anger stand a chance of having low self-confidence and self-esteem, I saw this first hand. The boys would not stand up for themselves or have a difference of opinion even when they were with their peers. I guess because they so used to their dad shutting them down.
Anger
My ex-husband grew up with an angry, military veteran father who took out all his anger and frustrations out on him, the first son. He also endured years of direct verbal assault and angry outbursts. He grew up to become an angry man. I’m no psychologist, but the boys also began getting angry, resentful and sometimes disruptive in school as they got older. I quickly made a connection, they were mimicking his attitude and this was one trait I didn’t want them inheriting.
I wanted out and I wanted it fast. Leaving looked like the best solution but not just leaving. I decided to limit them from any contact with their dad whatsoever.
In retrospect, I may not have made the best decision then, but hear me out before you decide. The boys spent about 18 months with no contact with their dad. During this time I began to struggle with raising them the “right way” as they entered their teen years. If you have ever tried raising teenagers all alone, you may be able to relate to what I experienced.
First of all, I overcompensated by trying too hard to be “nice.” I pampered them a whole lot. I gave them almost anything they asked for. As you can imagine, discipline quickly became a problem in the dream castle I was building for us. I would talk and they would talk back to me.
What?!
It didn’t help either that they were both now taller than me.
Next, I realized there was a problem. So, I enlisted my dad and my brothers to chip in and help me out. They tried but were too busy with work and life to make a constant impact on the boys.
I had to relax the restrictions on contact with their father, who had since agreed to take anger management counseling. I still have full custody but I let them go to him on weekends and sometimes I call him in advance to ask him to help me discuss certain “manly” issues with them. With time, I began to see improvements in their behavior but it’s still a work in progress.
Why am I saying all this?
I want dads to understand the unique place they play in their sons’ lives. A place a mom may never be able to fill. I knew I couldn’t fill it and I was not ashamed to admit it. To all the supermoms out there: great job.
For the parents reading this piece who haven’t separated yet: good for you. There may still be hope if you do the following:
If you find yourself modeling inappropriate behavior like unwarranted anger towards you children, it’s your responsibility to correct it before your sons (and even daughters), begin to imitate you. If you have to, get professional help.
Believe me when I say they will learn how to relate with other human beings based on how they see their parents act at home.
You face lots of pressure every day out there trying to keep the bacon on the table, but please drop that tension at the door once you walk into that home you’re building with your significant other.
In conclusion, I know that as a human being, you are bound to get angry from time to time, but if you want to help your boys, don’t let it get to a point where it jeopardizes the future of your home.
Anger has broken my home. Don’t let it break yours too.
From,
A single mom trying to make it work one day at a time.
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Stock photo ID:691950760
This sounds very similar to the situation in my home before I left my ex husband. It was necessary to protect me and the children. Sadly he refused to admit or get help for his anger, which was behaviour learned from his father. Break the cycle. Well done, keep going.
Thank you for your thoughtful piece. I see pieces of my dad and my childhood in your reflections. I think you made a good decision and I applaud you for protecting your kids as best you could. Keep going!
Great post. I was the victim of a raging dad and a lot of what you write about is spot on. Sometimes leaving is the best decision for everyone, even when it’s hard. Thanks for your courage in writing this post.
Great article, Roselyn. I don’t have kids yet but can identify with my childhood. Kids are like sponges and will emulate behaviors they see. Definitely something to keep in mind in their presence, whether it’s our own kids, or others’.
Roselyn, What a vitally important topic you have shared and presented. I was the little boy and eventual teen who bore the brunt of my angry dad’s frustrations growing up. The “symptoms” that your boys presented, anxiety, anger, low self-esteem, I have felt for the predominance of my life. I have tried my hardest to not repeat the cycle of anger and lashing out with my own children. Although mostly successful, there have been a handful of times that “I was my father.” I have been in therapy for four years and am in such a better place for my… Read more »
I most certainly agree that children model behavior and their greatest “teachers” in that regard are their parents. You can only give what you have and teach what you know. In this case, among other things, problems with self-regulation (anger management) were taught, as had learned from his father. That being said, important information can be gleaned from this article. For example, the author said, “I took my two sons, my little daughter.” Sounds like “De-Parenting The Other Parent Through Our Choice Of Words” to me. (http://www.divorcetownusa.com/california/pasadena/news/de-parenting-the-other-parent-through-our-choice-of-words-5) Assuming the following decision was made without a judicial order, I’d say the… Read more »
Hi Mark, You raised quite a few valid points there. In response to “How exactly did he know he had a problem with his anger and yet not admit it?” I’ll chip and say he would exhibit anger several times and later apologize , many times with tears but he was not willing to seek professional help at the time. Also, he did not get a court order to see the kids. He started seeing them after i confirmed he had started anger management counseling and we had a long talk to make him understand how his hurtful words in… Read more »
Roselyn, Thank you for sharing your experiences. My angry Dad turned his anger inwards as well as outwards. When I was five he took an overdose of medications and was hospitalized. I was raised by my Mom. As an adult I had my own anger issues to deal with. I got help. I can say that my five children and seventeen grandchildren are better off for my breaking the cycle of anger and abuse. This is not an easy topic and there aren’t any simple answers, but sharing our stories can help.
Hi Jed, I’m glad to see you quickly got help. The scary thing is, many adults (male and female) have anger issues but they just won’t take steps to get help.
I didn’t get help all that quickly. It took years of justifying my anger or denying it before I really came to understand that anger was wrecking my relationships.
Anger is often times a secondary emotion to something else. I’ll never forget an incident with one my new clients. While monitoring a phone call, the young man who was talking to his mother was getting angry. He started using expletives and telling. He pretty much told her where to go. I cut the call short and took him into my office to process. What made him “angry” was that mom told him that she wasn’t going to visit him at the upcoming family visit night. While discussing the call where he continued to call her every name under the… Read more »
Hi Tom,
You hit the nail on the head!
I didn’t want to go into too much detail in my article but one of the most pressing problems that bothered my ex so much was money. Many times his outbursts were a result of worrying about money. I think it was a mix of inherited traits and inability to process some of his frustrations properly.
You just gave me an idea for another article, thanks!
Roselyn
Jed, did you have to lose a relationship before you decided to get help and make a change? I’m struggling with whether to stay or not because staying doesn’t seem to make him realize how serious this is.
Beautiful. Thank you for sharing. I was too ashamed to be as courageous as you were. My boys (and one daughter) are still working with their issues from their angry father years later in their adult years. I thought I could be the one to keep stability and peace for everyone.
Hi Judy,
It was a gut-wrenching experience and one of the hardest things i ever had to do. Watching your kids being derided and broken daily is no joke, but making the decision to leave when your SO won’t change is also scary. You keep asking yourself “Am I making the right decision?” Because you know things will never be the same again.
Even now, years later I still ask myself if i should have left sooner, later or not even married him in the first place!
Roselyn
With the majority of boys being raised without dads or at best part time dads, why aren’t people taking a stronger look at how these boys are being raised by their mothers? I would venture to say that when you break down the “angry kids” that the ratio of angry kids WITH dads in their lives verses those without. Why are we concentrating on kids that have active dads and are ignoring the how angry kids are who are primarily being raised by their moms? The proverbial elephant in the room is completely being ignored. This site has a substantial… Read more »
Thank you. I, for one, would love to hear more about this as I agree both are relevant topics. This, having grown up with an angry father and now raising two boys away from their angry father.
Considering how many families are headed by single moms, I agreed with you. I have seen too moms unable to control their anger when dealing with their kids over the telephone. In addition, many of these moms are managers and they treated their employees the same way they treated their kids and they get away with it because we have this social and cultural attitude that the boss is the boss and they can do anything they want. How are you suppose to break the cycle of mental violence both at home and at work when the people are not… Read more »
Why are you attacking this person’s post or experience? who are you to question her feelings and emotions? They are hers to share. If you dont agree, then dont agree and move on. This writer never claimed to represent all women raising sons or make any claims whatsoever. To me, it seems that the writer was sharing her personal experience and the struggles she grappled with during and after the mareiage. . I hope her story and bravery inspires other females such as myself to consider making a brave, difficult but informed decision based on facts and hearing other people’s… Read more »