During a recent couples counseling session, John, 50, described feeling like an “outsider” in his stepfamily comprised of Lianne, 45, and her two children Sam, 10, and Katie, 15. John’s two biological children visited occasionally but they were young adults absorbed in their own busy lives.
Married for two years, John was surprised that feelings of jealousy still surfaced when his stepchildren confided in their mother and he felt left out. Even though he knew Lianne did her best to include him, he felt hurt and lonely at times.
John put it like this, “My friend Tim told me that I might feel this way if I married someone with kids, but I thought it would be easier to blend in and that Sam and Katie would warm up to me sooner.”
The Myth of “Instant Love” in a Stepfamily
As John and Lianne found out, there’s no such thing as instant love between a new stepparent and a stepchild. One of the most crucial things to learn about a recoupled family is that most children give love and trust to their parent naturally, but feel that their stepparent must earn their love and trust over time. In fact, children often don’t have time to ease into the new relationship with a stepparent, and so communication can feel forced or unnatural. However, the biological parent can help their children bond with their new spouse if they make it clear that their marriage is solid and that disrespect toward their spouse won’t be tolerated.
Studies show that it can take two to four years for members of a stepfamily to adjust to living together due the complexity of roles, rivalries, and blending families. If both parents plan enjoyable activities for all family members, and work as a team, it’ll help everyone build a foundation of trust and create positive stepfamily memories.
In most cases, parents and stepparents have unrealistic expectations about some aspects of stepfamily life. Couples need to be aware that stepparents will have some ambiguity in their roles and level of authority. Also, the myth of loving your partner will mean loving their children immediately can create disappointment and resentment and has to be discussed openly. These discussions are crucial for the well-being of the remarried couple and the biological parent should never assign blame or try to provoke shame in their spouse who has these feelings. It’s completely normal for stepparents to have difficulty warming up to their stepchildren and vice versa.
The “Insider” and “Outsider” Dynamics
Many of the stepparents that I counsel describe themselves as being an “outsider” in their family. This is because the stepfamily structure often puts parents and stepparents on opposite ends of a continuum when it comes to separateness and closeness. For instance, every time a stepchild enters a room or a conversation, parents might consider themselves as “insiders” and stepparents as “outsiders.” This happens naturally because children typically gravitate to the parent they are most comfortable with, an insider when seeking support or nurturance.
During our counseling sessions, I explained to John that it’s normal for stepparents to feel that they’re left out or overlooked at times. These feelings of insecurity, jealousy, or isolation about not being included in your spouse’s relationship with their biological children can be devastating if they’re not acknowledged and worked through. If swept under the rug, unresolved feelings can cause stepparents to feel dissatisfied with their role and less tolerant of their stepchildren’s rude, ambivalent, or distant behavior. Even John, who raised two children with his own, described his feelings of being an “outsider” as intense and troubling at times.
John reflects, “I want Lianne’s kids to trust me and not always run to her when they have a problem. I even felt jealous because Sam had an issue at school one day when Lianne was at work. I asked him what was wrong and he said “I want to talk to my mom about it.” I just never felt that close to my own son (due to my bitter divorce) and these feelings resurfaced when Sam shut me out.”
Regrettably, John’s response was to get defensive when he said, “What am I, a piece of furniture?” Unfortunately, Sam was unable to empathize with John and quickly became angry saying, “What’s your problem, you’re acting like a baby!”
Feeling invisible and alone, John retreated to the den, switched on the TV and never discussed his feelings with Lianne. But several months later, during our couples counseling session, John was able to describe just how worthless he felt that day when he was overlooked by his stepson.
In Surviving and Thriving in Stepfamily Relationships, Patricia L. Papernow, a renowned stepfamily researcher explains, “The insider/outsider challenge emerges very early in stepcouple relationships and threads it way through all of the other challenges. It often remains present, though in somewhat softer form, even in mature well-established stepfamilies.”
4 Ways to Overcome Problematic “Insider” and “Outsider” positions in your stepfamily:
- Parents and stepparents must share their feelings about being an insider and outsider and seek solace and/or support. These negative emotions won’t dissipate on their own if they’re not dealt with.
- Normalize the challenges by not overreacting. Since these positions go with the territory in a stepfamily, it’s important for couples to view them as typical and not pathological. It’s normal for outsiders to feel left out and for insiders to feel torn between the people they love and anxious about meeting their divergent needs. Since biological parents are more aware of their children’s strengths and vulnerabilities then a stepparent would be, it’s a good idea for them to share some of their insights with their spouse so they feel more included in the lives of their stepchildren.
- Carve out lots of one-on-one time with family members. One stepfather, Calvin, adheres strongly to this principle and tries his best to schedule time with his two stepsons and at least once a month. He and his wife, Tonya, also carve out one night each week to go out to eat, have a long walk, or whatever they choose to enrich their bond.
- Stepcouples need to establish routines in their family life that can enrich all of their relationships, such as story time with young children, or pizza and movie night with school age children and teenagers. Look for family activities that all family members can enjoy such as watching movies together, chess, and game nights!
For some stepparents, acknowledging the issues of being an “outsider” and having their feelings validated is enough. Likewise, some biological parents can get relief from declaring that they’ve had enough of trying to meet everyone’s needs and can ask family members to cut them some slack. But for others bearing scars inflicted years ago, they might experience more frequent triggers, and benefit from couples counseling to work through these bruises so that they can adjust better to stepfamily life. While living in a stepfamily can be complex and challenging, with insight and persistence, relationships can improve over time and family members can thrive!
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This post is republished on Medium.
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Photo credit: iStock