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Hi Doc,
I recently realized (well, “accepted” would be more accurate) that I qualify as someone who is a toxic friend. A couple of months ago, my friends pointed out I would not behave in the same way depending if I was with one of them alone or if I was with a larger group. At the time, I didn’t think about it, the very idea that I may be an a**hole to them didn’t even occur to me.
However, it finally hit me. See, when I’m with a large group, I start making “jokes” (and I mean very very stupid jokes) and passive-aggressive comments, mostly at the expense of one of my friends. These get to the point that…I don’t know how she can still agree to talk to me. Almost everything turns into a weapon I use. The only reason I say “almost” is because there is still a line that I didn’t cross with those “jokes”, and that I’m very afraid of crossing one day.
(There is also one last important information regarding our friendship; I do have a crush on her, which wasn’t the case when we met and started to hang out. Honestly, as I’m typing that, I don’t even know anymore if I can call myself a friend of her.)
I’m ashamed of this. I don’t want to be that kind of person. I don’t want to hurt those who are close to me, and I don’t want to drive them away. I don’t have any excuses. I mean, I think I know why I act like that in front of a large group (lack of social skills, stupidly high level of anxiety) but I’m fully aware that it’s wrong. I need to get rid of that behavior, otherwise, sooner or later, I will lose my friends.
So, I’m asking you: can you give me some advice on where to begin? Is apologizing to her the first step? How can I work on stopping to act like an a**hole? Feel free to bring the Chair Leg of Truth, Doc. I need your help, I want to be able to be a good friend and if you think the best medicine is harsh medicine, then don’t spare me.
Heel Face Turn
OK, it’s good that you’re recognizing what you’ve done wrong, HFT. Yeah, you’re kind of the a**hole friend that people complain about, and that’s a problem. But before we get into what’s going on, let’s talk a little about just what’s going on here.
Part of why toxic friends are so damaging to us is because they’re people who we’ve let in. We’ve let ourselves be vulnerable around them, lowered our defenses and given them access to our deepest and most fragile selves. We trusted them with the sides of ourselves that could hurt us the most.
And they turn right around and use them for sh*ts and giggles. Every moment of trust, every moment of openness becomes ammo. Our secrets, our anxieties, and our fears are now like refined plutonium in the hands of a criminal syndicate; we know they’re out there, we know who has them but we don’t know when or if they’ll use them. So now we live with the anxiety that our supposed “friend” is going to drop a dirty bomb of our intimate details for the lulz. And worse, we’re not “allowed” to be upset about it! If we complain about that toxic friend targeting us, making our existence the butt of their jokes, we’re told to “lighten up”. To “not take it so seriously”. To grow a thicker skin because it’s just pranks and jokes, yo. We get cast in the role of the fun-wrecker, the killjoy, the wittle snowfwake who can’t take some teasing. Now we have two choices: grin and bear it as we get roasted, or complain and get hit even harder.
It’s a lose/lose scenario and one that acts like sandpaper on the soul. It may not seem like much at any one time, but it grinds you down bit by bit.
This is what you’re doing to your friend. You have been sanding away at her self-esteem, her self-image, even her ability to relax and enjoy herself among her friends. When she wants to see her friends, she has to stay braced for every second that she’s there, wondering what you’re going to throw at her, how much it’s going to hurt and just how much her friends are either going to laugh at her or cringe with her.
And then there’s that last little bit about “the line you haven’t crossed… yet”. She knows that line is there. She knows that you know that line is there. And you and she both know that it’s just a matter of time until you say the words. This is what she lives with every. SINGLE. TIME. she’s out with her friends.
So y’know. Congratulations on not being as big of an a**hole as you could be? I guess?
Here’s the thing: the why you’re doing this sh*t isn’t as important as you know this hurts her and you do it anyway. Is it because you’re trying to get the approval of your friends and the easy laugh and you’ve chosen the only target you know isn’t going to hit you back? Is it because you have a crush on her and instead of trying to handle it like a grown-a** adult, you revert to this kindergarten “pull-her-pigtails” horse sh*t? Ultimately, your reasons for it don’t matter. Your intent isn’t magic, nor does it excuse the choice. And this is a choice that you make. It isn’t a neurological issue that forces you to say things that you don’t actually mean. You’re not under a psychological compulsion to insult her that you’re powerless to resist. Every single time you make those comments or make those jokes you are making a choice to hurt her.
And to be perfectly blunt, you’re not winning any points for asking for me to be harsh. This is the same performative self-flagellation bullsh*t that guys pull all THE F**KING TIME. This isn’t mea culpa, mea culpa, mea maxima culpa, it’s “look at how much I’m suffering, I’m punishing myself, I’m hurting myself because I suck so much”. It’s a performance of penance that isn’t to demonstrate how sorry you are but shifts the burden from you to the girl that you’ve been torturing with your jokey-jokes by doing it visibly and publically. It carries the message of “you can’t e mad at me now, look at how much I’m suffering over this” that shifts the burden of the apology from youto her. Now there’s the social pressure for her to forgive you because look at how so very very sorry you are.
You already know what you need to do. You said so in your own letter. The fact that you haven’t apologized to her already – in private, demonstrating you understand why what you did is wrong and with the full understanding that she’s under no obligation to forgive you – is d**ning. So too is the fact that you haven’t chosen to stop. You’re waiting for me to provide your penance in hopes that you won’t suffer worse and more meaningful consequences from her.
You don’t need explanations as to why you’re doing this. You don’t need a 10 step recovery plan. You need to apologize to her. And you need to choose to stop.
The rest is up to her.
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This article originally appeared on Doctor Nerd Love.
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