—
Yo Doc,
I’m a 20-year-old straight male university student in the UK whose sexual experience amounts to two one-night-stands (one drunken incident with a friend and one Tinder date). I’ve never had an actual relationship, but not for lack of trying. Over the past couple years I’ve made numerous attempts at getting dates (most admittedly not very competently), but thus far it’s hardly ever worked.
I haven’t let myself get bogged down by this – that’s life, after all. I’m not really lonely; I have an amazing group of friends. But even so, I can’t help but get a feeling of unshakeable frustration.
Because, the thing is, at risk of sounding full of myself, I think I’m hot sh*t. I’m smart, I’m funny, I’m interesting, I have passions that I wear on my sleeve, I dress fantastically, and by all accounts, I’m great to talk to at parties. I’m not completely happy about my appearance (I’m quite skinny), but at the same time, I wouldn’t say I’m ugly.
Which brings me to my question: why is it that I’m still the one who has to make the first move? Why do I have to be the seeker? Why can’t I be the sought? No one’s ever asked me out. I’ve never perceived any woman assertively pursue me, or even just approach me. It makes me feel like I’m doing something wrong, and maybe I am. At parties, I try to be as social as possible, talking to everyone at least once. In the club, I don’t know how to approach people. On Tinder, I get hardly any matches. When I’ve gotten numbers (via Tinder or otherwise) I’ve frequently noticed them not putting in the effort that I am – it’s always me who seems to be beginning conversations.
I know that centuries of social tradition have conditioned us to expect that the man should be the assertive one who makes the first move. I’ve tried, I’ve failed, and now what I really want more than anything is to be the prize. But no one’s chasing me.
How do I deal with this frustration and disheartenment at the fact that, as well as me being seemingly inept at pursuing relationships with people, no one seems interested in pursuing me?
Regards,
The Good and Bad, but not Ugly
I’m gonna be blunt with you, GBNU: the main reason why men have to do the majority of the approaching is because gender roles are still a thing and societies adhering to them so strongly makes it difficult for women who flout those roles. A lot of women would love to be more proactive when it comes to finding a partner, including being the one to make the first move. The problem is that a lot of guys react badly to women who make the first move. Some guys assume far more interest than women actually have because hey, she’s the one making the first move! Women never do that, she must be thirsty as hell. Others get angry because she must be a whore or trying to trick them or just, y’know. Existing.
Either way, this tends to end badly for women since when guys get angry they tend to react with violence.
The other reason why women don’t approach is because they’re dealing with all the same anxieties and fears you are. Sometimes doubly so because guys don’t get hit with the social whammy of being seen as slutty and/or an incipient bunny boiler for being the person to actually make the first move.
If you want a society where women feel freer to be as active in starting relationships, then you should be working to help build a relationship where they feel safer in doing so, both physically and socially.
Now ,this doesn’t mean that there aren’t ways of making yourself more approachable. One of the mistakes a lot of guys make is that they assume that women are entirely passive when it comes to dating. Not so; women do a lot of work to make it easier for men to approach them. It’s just that men often don’t notice that effort. Women who are interested in a guy will go out of their way to give that guy signals that she’d welcome his coming to talk to her and she’ll create an opportunity for him to do so. It may not be as flashy and obvious as crossing the room to talk to somebody, but it’s still work, even if people don’t acknowledge it as such.
If you want women to approach you, then you need to take a page from their book and give them similar openings. You know how you feel intimidated to approach a woman when she’s surrounded by her friends? She feels the same way about you. When you’re hanging around in a tight, closed group, she’s far less likely to want to come over and say hello. Nobody likes getting rejected and doubly so if it’s in front of an audience. Taking a step or two away to create the illusion of privacy works wonders for letting people feel as though they’re safe to come talk to you now.
Similarly, you can give them approach invitations. When you see someone you’re interested in – especially if she’s giving you the eye – meeting her gaze and giving her a smile or an acknowledgment that you saw her looking and you approve is one way of signaling that it’s cool to come talk to you. You can even give a slight head nod or eyebrow flash that can say “come say hi”.
That all having been said: it sounds to me that your problem is that you’re tired of things not working and you want someone else to validate you by working for your attention. This is an understandable feeling; it sucks when it feels like you’ve got a lot going for you but it’s still not working. However, the answer isn’t to just throw your hands up and say “Screw it, ladies do the work for me!” ‘cuz honestly? You’re not going to be getting any better results. All that’s going to happen is that you’re going to get more bitter and resentful and blaming other people for how you feel.
The things that make you more approachable – warmth, friendliness, social engagement and fun – are the same things that make you more successful when you’re the one doing the approaching.
Don’t get me wrong. Your frustration is understandable. However, I suspect the reason you’re having problems is because of the way you go about things. Clubs may not be your home, as it were. You may be pursuing people you’re not actually compatible with. You may not be giving your Tinder matches enough to work with. Or you may be sending off the Piss Off signal with your expression or body language.
What you may need to do is spend more time working on how you’re coming across. Work on projecting warmth, friendliness and fun. Do a little less pursuit and fewer cold approaches and more connecting with people when you talk to them. These will make you more successful over all, regardless of whether you’re the one making the first move or giving other people the go ahead to approach you.
Good luck.
—
This article originally appeared on Doctor Nerd Love
Photo: Pexels