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“For every whisper, there is a special word we cling to in times of distress.”
My experience with being a homosexual male and having schizoaffective disorder/generalized anxiety Disorder, is like having two dogs inside of my body, sometimes fighting each other just to accept their personal truths. Being queer with the rise of fascism in the United States is downright terrifying. I hear stories daily about all genders/non-genders being confronted and sometimes assaulted for the way they look, or simply for holding hands while walking.
I’ve known I was gay since I was 16, after getting my first girlfriend. We had a very close relationship, but sex just never worked out, and I didn’t know why. I felt terrible because I felt that I had let her down, and being 16 and unaware socially, that I had let myself down by not passing the stereotypical, toxic misconception of the sexual right of passage. We eventually broke up and I didn’t know where to turn, or who to turn to. My dad said he accepts me either way, but I still felt jilted in ways because I didn’t feel, “Normal.”
I had 2 girlfriends afterward, and they ended in pretty much the same way. Internalized homophobia just couldn’t accept the fact that I was homosexual, so I spent long periods of time away from relationships and dating. This was before I was diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder. I developed generalized anxiety disorder and clinical depression at the age of 17 due to these feelings, though I still couldn’t reveal this to the therapist my father took me to see. I was scared, full of stigma, and utterly hopeless.
I thought I was fully alone in my fight, but I was wrong. My story is actually quite common.
“LGBTQ individuals are almost 3 times more likely than others to experience a mental health condition such as major depression or generalized anxiety disorder. This fear of coming out and being discriminated against for sexual orientation and gender identities can lead to depression, posttraumatic stress disorder, thoughts of suicide and substance abuse.” – National Institute of Mental Illness (NAMI) (1)
I came out in Spring of ’17, after battling it for so long. I came out to the person I trusted the most, my brother. I was extremely anxious, I had decided that I was going to tell him 2 days before, and I had barely slept during that period of time. Fortunately for me, he just said, “Who cares? it’s just sex, you’re my brother, I still love you.” which, from our relational standpoint, hit me hard, and made me feel accepted. I was so relieved and exhausted that I passed out in bed and slept for twelve hours.
I’ve learned that as I’ve come out to more and more people, that my anxiety has decreased in nature. I used to sweat egregiously during every conversation, and now I can carry on a full conversation without hesitation. My relationships with women have also improved since I came out, as I no longer feel internalized stigma urging me to prove my sexuality incorrect.
I’m not going to tell you to come out, which is solely up to the individual when the time is right; I know this from experience. What I am going to say is that, personally, it has made my life a bit easier.
I believe that if we show more compassion to one another, no matter our sexuality, that we can begin to bring about more peaceful spaces for people to speak and collaborate, hence making a brighter future and better world.
Whisper – To my Brother
Something jumped into my ear
It was you, talking me down
from the roof of my mouth
which only wept one word,
“Suicide”
Something collided into my ear,
It was you, crashing the automobile
of my bumper-spinning mind
which consumed itself
in only one word,
“Death”
Something cried in my ear,
it was you, the baby carriage
I once inhabited was gone,
and I am still here, though
it sits under the mobile spinning
one word around in my eyes,
“End”
Something played music into my ear,
It was you, holding the record player
of my eardrum close to your heart,
while I considered only one word,
“Escape”
Something rattled in my ear,
it was you, holding the bottle
of pills I had planned to swallow
while ruminating on only one word,
“Deceased”
Something whispered into my ear,
It was you, reminding me of all the best
times we had together, all of the lunches,
how you taught me how to tie my shoes,
how you taught me to ride a bike, how
you always reminded me to put on my coat
before going outside, worrying
about me being cold, Reminding me
of the days spent collapsing fears
with your words of guidance and your
ear of wisdom.
Your whisper changed that one
word, it changed it into danger signs
assembled en masse across every street
corner of my mind,
while reciting one word,
“Brother”
Your whisper changed that one word, it changed it into
looking at skyscrapers from the ground up, turning
them into monuments of freedom,
while reciting one word,
“Brother”
Your whisper changed that one
word, it changed it into a yearning
to have a child of my own, and a hope
that this baby will never have to face
the mobile which once haunted me,
while reciting one word,
“Brother”
Your whisper changed that one
word, it changed it into a symphony
played between us in open light,
while we laughed and no tears there to hold us down,
while reciting one word,
“Brother”
Your whisper changed that one word,
it changed into a pharmacy,
where medication
is the savior and not the enemy
to loathe and distrust,
while reciting one word,
“Brother”
Your whisper…..
Your whisper changed it all.
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