My husband and I have an eleven-month old son. We are trying to raise him in a gender-neutral way. We don’t buy him the typical “boy” toys like trucks, cars, swords, etc., because we think such toys convey pretty obvious expectations about the “right” and “wrong” way for boys to behave and we want to shield him from these expectations. We want him to grow up in an open-minded environment in which he is encouraged to explore anything that is of interest to him without us sending signals, however well intentioned, about what is and is not acceptable for boys to be interested in.
The problem is my parents. Frankly, they think this whole approach is a lot of nonsense. They are entitled to their opinion, of course, but they are not entitled to simply ignore our wishes, right? And yet, every time he returns from spending time with them, he has one of these toys. This past weekend it was a Matchbox dump truck. It annoys me to no end that they so flagrantly disregard our wishes on something we consider very important to our son’s growth. And by the time he returns from these visits, he has become attached to whatever they have given him and he puts up quite a fuss when we take it away. I don’t want him to get caught in a power struggle between me and my parents. I have spoken to them and I will do so again, but do you have any thoughts about what I can say or do to let them know this is unacceptable?
Sincerely,
He’s Our Son, Not Theirs
Dear H.O.S.N.T.,
The gender-neutral aspect of this problem makes it seem more complicated than it really is. I think you should treat this the same way you would if, say, your parents were giving your son candy right before dinner. You just have to make sure they’re not in a position to do what they’re doing.
The next time you have a chance to speak with both of your parents together, calmly explain that you and your husband have made your wishes concerning your son’s toys perfectly clear, yet your parents have chosen to disregard them. (What they think of these wishes is entirely irrelevant, so make sure you don’t let them turn this into a discussion of their opinion of your approach.) Remind them that this is very important to the two of you, so the next time they are found to be ignoring your request, you will insist that all visits be supervised by you or your husband for the foreseeable future. (If you’re sufficiently frustrated, you may not want to give them one last chance to comply. That’s up to you.) Then follow through if they continue to make this a test of wills. They had their chance to raise children as they saw fit. Now it’s your turn.
♦◊♦
Dear John,
I am in my mid-40s. I’m happily married, have a wonderful family, and really have no complaints. I have a good life. I say this by way of providing some background for my question, so you know that what I’m writing about hasn’t had any major detrimental effect on me.
My father is elderly and in ill health. We have a normal relationship (I guess that’s the best way to put it), but when I was in my teens, I really disliked him. He was a very distant, unhappy man, and he expressed his unhappiness by being terribly cruel to my mother. His cruelty was never physical, but it may as well have been for the environment he created at home. It still brings a tear to my eye just to think about the things he would say to her. Every day, I couldn’t wait for the day when I could escape. That’s how I saw it.
While I was in college, my mother passed away and I drifted away from my father, although drifted makes it sound more passive than it was. I deliberately distanced myself from him. We were never completely estranged; I just didn’t have much contact with him. Didn’t really think about him either. Years later, when I began my family, he became more a part of our lives and I have to say he adores his grandchildren. He has become less miserable over the years and is now hard to reconcile with the embittered, frightening presence I recall from my childhood.
Which brings me to my question. As I mentioned, my father is in chronic ill health. I have no idea how much longer he will be around. But we have never, ever spoken of what he was like all those years ago. Sometimes I don’t really care, but other times I just want to ask him, why? Why was he so awful? Was there something that could explain his cruelty that I was unaware of as a child? As a wife and mother now, I know there are all sorts of things going on in a marriage that kids have no inkling of. I feel like there must be some explanation, even a bad one. When I think about bringing this up, though, part of me thinks, what’s the use? What could he say that would make a difference? And as rotten as he was, is it worth upsetting the nice, frail old man he is today? I’m too close to it, so I would like your opinion.
Signed,
His Daughter
Dear Daughter,
Just the fact that you’re thinking about doing this (and writing to me about it) leads me to think that yes, you probably should talk to your father while you can.
First off, I wouldn’t worry about upsetting a “nice, frail old man.” He did what he did, and as the child who had to grow up in this poisoned atmosphere, you have a right to ask for an explanation, even all these years later. Sometime relatively soon, asking him will no longer be an option. So the question you have to ask yourself is, which are you more likely to regret: bringing this up with him now or continuing to avoid it? I think you’re more likely to regret the latter course.
He may welcome the opportunity to unburden himself about his behavior. He may be wondering whether he should dredge all this up with you, too – this is the kind of thing a man his age would find very difficult to talk about without being drawn out a little. And it’s conceivable that he might say something that helps you come to terms with the environment in which you grew up, or at least to understand it a little better. This may well be a difficult conversation to have, but my advice is to have it while you can.
♦◊♦
Dear John,
I have a friend who is driving me crazy! She tells me so many things that I’m not supposed to tell this person, that person, that I can’t keep them straight. Literally everything she tells me comes with a list of people I can’t share it with. Well you can guess what happened recently – actually TWICE recently. I accidentally told someone something she wasn’t supposed to know about, totally by mistake, and now my friend is mad at ME! She says a friend wouldn’t betray a confidence (her words and I agree) and now I guess maybe we’re not friends any more! I’m mad at her for being this way and also hurt she’s blaming all this on me. What do you do with someone like this?
Sincerely,
Conversationally Confused
Dear Conversationally Confused,
If you’re no longer friends, consider yourself lucky. She sounds like a gossipy pain. Of course a friend wouldn’t betray a confidence, but neither would a friend put you in a position of needing to take notes just to remember what you can say to whom. I suspect this will blow over, but if it does, don’t just pick up where you left off. The first time she says, “Don’t tell Marcie I said this, but…” interrupt her to say that considering the strain these conditions put your friendship under, she should only tell you things you can share with everyone else. Once she has to abide by that condition, I suspect she won’t have much left to say.
Originally appeared at GoLocalProv.com.
—Photo Pedro_oliver/Flickr
Any extream in parrenting can cause huge issues in childs mind. Boys and girls play with toys they like even at a young age. As a parrent you want to teach your child to do good work hard and be empathetic to others. By deny’n him toys your limited on what he learns and possibly cause him to feel if he does like those u won’t love him. I have twin boy and girl. They share a room they are 3, in that room is a kitchen, grill, fire house, ponys, cars, dolls. My son plays cars and babies, h… Read more »
Hi John, i think you gave the right advice to the daughter about speaking to her dad, however i am concerned about how that conversation will go. it’s not about whether she should have the conversation, but how. i think that she does have a right to address some unfinished business before he dies, however, she mentions that she is concerned because she is “too close” to the situation. i agree. i see a long history here of purposeful avoidance of the father and of not addressing these issues sooner. you are right in that he may be encouraged to… Read more »
he’s our son: he’s your son, but he’s going to be growing up in our world. our world has grandparents who do not share our opinions and our world has children/teenagers/adults who do not share our religion/sexual orientation and with who our children with have/need/want to interact with. our world also has gender and our bodies will, sooner or later, give it away (unless we make ongoing effort to conceal it, which for most isn’t realistic). taking about issues such as race and gender can be difficult; many people have been hurt in the process even when others did not… Read more »
We just gave our little Grandaughter her Grampa’s 1950’s Lionel Train set.
She LOVES it as much as her Grampa did.
The whole bunch of us are glad Papa wasn’t raised to be “gender neutral”. He wouldn’t have been “allowed” such a manly toy.
That old train set has given our family many happy memories, even with those nasty old gender issues. Glad to see Cadie will enjoy it too.
to the lady who wants her parent’s to follow respect her wish’s in raising a unisex kid,
you are free to raise him anyway you like but take a look at this link because you might do some harm to this kid or at least confusion and tough time for you and him .
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p5LRdW8xw70
It’s great that you are willing to hear all sides of the issue, John. Hopefully you’ll examine the issue of parents outright refusing to let their child play with certain toys just to make a statement about gender neutrality and equal rights. Because this, to me, isn’t any different than evenaglical hard-christian parents taking away their child’s rights to watch certain movies or TV shows because they would violate the “Divine Word” or something like that. As others have said above, being Gender Neutral means offering a child CHOICE. If they want to play with what is consider “Boy Toys”… Read more »
Thanks for commenting, everyone. When I answer these letters, I feel obliged to address the specific question being asked, but many letters call for a discussion of aspects not necessarily central to the letter writer’s question. Your comments ensure that these other topics are not left unexamined. I always look forward to reading what you have to say.
John
Wow. I certainly think that John’s advice is right on as far as how to keep the grandparents from meddling in the parents’ decisions regarding their son. But the way these folks are raising their son is NOT gender neutral. Gender neutral doesn’t mean disallowing things that are typical of one’s gender – it means ignoring gender as a factor and allowing children to choose toys based on their own personal interest, as the parents themselves say they want. Taking away or refusing to buy a toy because it’s a “boy’s” toy is focusing just as much attention on gender… Read more »
As for Conversationally Confused, I suggest putting all of her requirements into a log or chart and showing it to her every time you speak to get her updates. Include a column for each person–Should he know about this? How about her? or this person? or that one?
Ask her to initial each change every time she gives you a new requirement. If she’s actually slow enough on the uptake to complain that this is too much work, say “Not for a real friend.”
My husband and I have an eleven-month old son. We are trying to raise him in a gender-neutral way. We don’t buy him the typical “boy” toys like trucks, cars, swords, etc., because we think such toys convey pretty obvious expectations about the “right” and “wrong” way for boys to behave and we want to shield him from these expectations. So the son is not being raised in a gender-neutral manner, if they are not buying typical boy things for him. Gender neutral IS NOT buying your son only ‘girl’ or ‘unisex’ things, and not buying him ‘boy’ things. This… Read more »
I sympathize with the couple who’s getting interference from the grandparents on how they raise their son… but I also point out that it is never going to be possible to isolate your child from all outside influences. Expecting to raise him in a ‘gender-neutral bubble’ strikes me as more of a sociology experiment than parenting.
So, the poor little boy likes dump trucks but because they’re not percieved as “gender neutral” he’s forbidden to play with them.
Brilliant.
Yeah. That’s crazy IMO… See my post below.
Great advice, John. I would have been tempted to suggest to “He’s Our Son” that the permanent damage to a child’s gender identification caused by a toy truck is probably not so large as they are making it out. I understand that these are typically “boy’s toys,” but that doesn’t mean they should be so reactionary in completely forbidding them. The problem with the way our society socializes boys toys is that it limits a child’s choices. These parents are doing the exact same thing in response. A healthy variety of options, including some traditional “boy toys,” will give the… Read more »
True. By taking the truck away, they’d be sending the message “boy things are BAD”–and that’s hardly gender-neutral either.
For sure. As I said below, I’m a woman and I LOVED many “boys’ toys” as a little girl (as well as a lot of “girls’ toys”). I’d hate to think I couldn’t have played with a toy dump truck just because I was a boy. Cuz toy dump trucks are awesome! 🙂