AUTHOR’S NOTE: I have written quite a bit in the last 25 years. Some good, some bad, some completely stupid. Some I wish I could take back. Some that got me in so much trouble that I took more than 5 years off from publishing anything, even though I kept writing privately. I only recently have felt confident enough to begin to publish my work again, feeling I am on solid ground to speak from the heart with sincerity and humility.
I have worked on this piece harder than anything I have ever written. It’s the writing I am most proud of. The piece I am most passionate about. The one that is most important to me. I would like to believe it is the best thing I have written. But you decide.
I would ask you to please take 10 minutes out of your busy day to read and consider what I am saying here.
If you find my piece interesting, useful, thought-provoking, or helpful in any way please share it with one man in your life.
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There are two moments that matter.
One is when you know that your one and only life is absolutely valuable and alive.
The other is when you know your life, as presently lived, is entirely pointless and empty.
Richard Rohr
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There are truly only two emotions: love and fear.
Fear activates everything in my reptilian brain: survival, danger, the fear-flight-freeze response. It is commonly understood that the reptilian brain fueled the survival of our species in our earliest civilizations by keeping us vigilant to threats in the environment. In our day, it is not considered to be the most adaptive part of the brain, and, when we choose to act from that part of our wiring, we often do damage to ourselves and our relationships. Fear drives my desire to hoard, to dominate others through sex or power, and to survive as the fittest. Underneath my anger, resentment, lust, greed, if I look honestly, is the fear taproot.
My ultimate fear is that I am, at my core, deficient compared to the rest of the world. For much of my life, I have been trying to survive this lie, poised as a legitimate “threat.” I needed to prove through acquisition of things—possessions, women, “success”—that I could become better than you. Any threat to my manhood would trigger a manic, reptilian response to fight you — and the world — to the death. Fear is two-dimensional in nature, requiring me to act narrowly in relationship to myself and my heightened “need to survive.” In a fear state, I am not open to the third dimension of the spirit, of my own soul, the dimension in which Love and peace can be found. A dimension in which a whole new set of options unfolds.
I am an alcoholic who also has suffered from anxiety and depression throughout my life. The source of these maladies is my “restless, irritable and discontented” personality (AA Big Book, Dr.’s Opinion). I was born this way and would have developed into a full-blown alcoholic no matter my environment. In my life, fear is a particularly strong and reflexive state.
In my ceaseless battle to quiet my reptilian brain, I set out to achieve as much as humanly possible athletically, academically, and professionally. And I achieved a shit-ton. But it never assuaged my deeply embedded fear. I won races, received good grades, closed the against-all-odds deal that made me rich. Still, my demons were only silenced for fleeting moments. And then my dinosaur brain took over again.
The only thing that temporarily worked to blot out my fear was drinking my brains out. But the consequences were horrible. And I would wake up hung over with fear right in my face again.
Self-medicating provided momentary relief from the symptom but never touched the underlying problem. I hated myself so much, hated living with the fear of never being enough and the slavery that resulted, that slow death through alcoholism or rapid death through suicide seemed like my only two alternatives. The two dimensions I had chosen to live in were closing in on me, my reptilian brain so overwhelmed my being that I just wanted to stop the pain of trying to survive my fear
Thankfully, the intervention of unconditionally loving men gave me a faint glimmer of hope. With their help, I was fortunate enough to gradually open my heart to the possibility of Love. I eventually saw that there truly was more to life than had previously met my eye. I found my soul — the third dimension in life that has nothing to do with the material world. That changed everything for me.
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Where fear has many manifestations in my life, and often veils itself or hides its true nature from me, Love is consistent and singularly bright, easily recognized, freely revealing of itself. Love can bring me in, fear will only and always lock me out. Love has nothing to do with the superficial, two-dimensional appearance of things but what resides inside the soul. Fear is purely selfish. Love is relational. The more I show compassion, listen to another’s pain, aim to serve out of humility, the more my Love muscle begins to strengthen. When I feel that heart-to-heart connection, my own heart begins to fill up and fear drops away. I’ve discovered a mysterious relationship between Love of the other and Love of myself. It was forgiving and learning to Love the people I thought had caused me the most harm that allowed me to forgive and Love myself.
Love can bring me in, fear will only and always lock me out.
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I experience “god” and “Love” here interchangeably, in the most non-religious and broadly spiritual sense. When I speak of Love here you can replace it with the word “god” or “God” if that is what your faith looks like. I am consciously writing of “Love” due to negative associations with theology and formalized religion for some people. And Love captures the meaning just as well as any form of faith, or in the absence of a specific faith. For me, my ability to practice Love is directly proportionate to my spiritual fitness. How much time have I devoted to prayer, meditation, reflective writing, fellowship with like-minded men?
I believe in an all-powerful and infinite “god” that has me in the palm of his/her hand.
I can’t specifically define this life force. And I don’t need to. The more my faith grows, the less that is even a question. I pray and meditate daily and talk to god constantly for guidance. To do god’s will in my everyday life, when I can, is to live in the sunlight of Love.
My conception of god is a deep knowing, rooted in a non-denominational faith without heed to a particular text, ritual, or story. That god is what saved my ass. With that god by my side, I know everything is already okay. I do not need to do, or prove, anything.
I am enough.
In the recovery world, you can be physically sober but spiritually sick. A “dry” drunk. It is not fun. The physical drink is but a symptom of a spiritual malady. I had to find Love in my heart. I had to access the third dimension of my soul to heal the unending pain of a life lived in two-dimensions. I am never liberated of my reptilian brain. As a friend told me, fear is like a pendulum that at first swings wildly out of control, destroying everything in its path. As faith and Love grows, the pendulum slows down until it is barely moving. But the pendulum never stops. And while fear still crops up, the impact is a fraction of what it once was.
I have never been happier in my 58 years alive. I now experience freedom from the bondage of self, fear, and self-loathing which once threatened to destroy me.
How I measure myself these days – my litmus test – is how I react when someone is furious at me. Like begets like, and it is challenging not to respond to anger with anger. Sometimes I still do. Sometimes I still marinate in my own poison of resentment, anger, and fear. Sometimes my reptilian brain still takes over. But I try to remember the Love that I have received unconditionally from others, and from god, to find compassion for the other. When I let fear get the better of me, I try to make amends as quickly as possible. Then I forgive myself.
I am human, highly imperfect. For me, Love is an aspiration, not a destination.
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I realize the title of this piece may leave some scratching their heads. When I look out at the world, I see a whole lot of men who are suffering. In my service work, I talk to them every day. Men who are full of fear, living by their reptilian brains, on a mission to win the caveman wars. I notice a few common themes amongst the men with whom I interact: most men I run across have issues with sex and money.
Greed begets greed. Enough can never be “achieved.”
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Our society is built on instinctual desires for reproduction and accumulating stuff (money, objects, achievement, status, power) run completely amuck. As a nation, we are at a crossroads in the crisis of mental health and addiction/alcoholism. No two-dimensional solutions can ever solve these life-threatening problems. There is a spiritual dimension to these issues, and breaking the cycle requires courage to pursue real spiritual sobriety and healing. To connect with our souls. And this all goes triple for us men.
Who are your heroes? Mine used to be Bill Gates and Warren Buffet. “If only I had that kind of success,” my brain told me, “all my problems would be solved.” That is the lie my reptilian brain is telling me. Greed begets greed. If my goal is X today, when I get the X, my brain will want 2X, and on into infinitum. Enough can never be “achieved.”
What your soul really wants is Love. To be enough. For yourself, and in the eyes of those who Love you. Again, love is relational. You can’t put your head down and muscle your way through, with macho discipline, to get to the Promised Land on your own. Guys, I am begging you to stop for a moment and consider what you are doing if you really think the point of this whole shooting match the next big job, seducing the pretty girl, or grabbing the brass ring. It will not work. As a wise man once told me twenty-something years ago (and which I stupidly ignored until I was forced to wake up out of indescribable suffering): “All that stuff is just the lie you are still telling yourself to get by.”
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There is no amount of money or success or fame that translates to Love.
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There is no amount of money or success or fame that translates to Love. The whole artifice of capitalism is built on a scarcity mentality. What many men do when they accumulate incredible wealth? You probably know from any number of the stories: they self-destruct, end their lives, trash their careers with substance abuse, leave their families or build doomsday bunkers to protect their “stuff” from the rest of us. Even with phenomenal resources, they can be miserable, full of fear, lonely, and fragile. Living inside their reptilian brains.
Sex is equally problematic. Men objectify women (or men), distilling them in two dimensions and becoming obsessed with outward female (or male) beauty. The pornography and sex trade are built upon objectification and unreal standards of beauty. And like money, sex can serve as a proxy for self-esteem, attempting to fill a void in the soul. And it doesn’t work. Most guys I work with feel shame about their sexuality and sexual conduct. In their gut, they know what they are doing is wrong, whether cheating on their partner, consuming porn, or simply mistreating women/men in their life through objectification.
A friend recently wrote to me:
“I am 29 and my first-time accessing porn was probably between the ages of 8-10 years old. I thought I was alone in this, but I’ve had numerous friends echo the same throughout the years. For my generation particularly, I believe this type of behavior at a young age warped our view of sex and women before we even had a chance to choose what was right. Between drugs, alcohol and porn/women, the latter has been the hardest for me to surrender to, kick bad habits and wrap my head around. I believe (or maybe I just hope?) that generations in the future will look back in horror that we had access to such powerful, toxic adult content in such formative years. I feel in my heart that there is a need for deep reformation and healing.”
I feel so much compassion for my friend and his “numerous friends.” He didn’t set out to consume porn in this way. To become more addicted to it even more than drugs and alcohol. I am writing this article because men must talk about sex in a profoundly different way (to the extent we currently talk about it at all). We need to be open and honest about what is really going on if there is any chance at the “deep reformation and healing” my friend envisions for the boys of the future.
We must make sex three-dimensional, relational, about two souls connecting. Animals have sex on instinct. We can choose to have a much deeper experience than that. It can be about Love, about intimacy, about connection. Giving instead of taking. Selfless instead of selfish.
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Some might argue that everything I have described to this point about fear and Love, sex and money, human frailties and constant battle between our conscious selves and our reptilian brains are part of the human condition, that this isn’t particularly new. And that’s true – these themes are time immemorial.
But technology, and specifically social media, has made these issues infinitely more acute – elevating their prominence while also increasing the complexity of finding solutions.
Everything about social media is constructed to strike the male fear center.
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Social media has been constructed by the smartest minds on the planet to exploit our reptilian brains through tiny dopamine hits. We are the mouse hooked on cocaine just hitting that button again and again to get our next hit, and the next. Animals responding to stimuli. Everything about social media is constructed to strike the male fear center. Social media puts us in constant comparison with unrealistic portrayals of our peers, which makes us feel worse about ourselves and leaves us searching desperately for validation. Social media does nothing but amplify the problems of sex and money in men’s lives. Everything about the person is reduced to a single dimension: that which can be seen. Appearances. The self intensely scrutinized on outward appearance with no soul to speak for our deeper essence. Social media does nothing but amplify the problems of sex and money in men’s lives.
Today, if you were to ask me who my heroes are, my answer would be different. My heroes are the men who have shown me how to Love deeply in my life. Men who are open about their imperfections. Men who are vulnerable. Men who have a faith to which I can relate to. Men who have shown me unconditional Love. Men who are courageous enough to face their demons head on.
Men you have never heard of.
But they are threads woven into the fabric of my life. They touch that deep part of me that quiets my instinct to run. They are a powerful antidote to my reptilian brain.
Our world is in chaos. Men please, please find a way to Love more and fear less by whatever means works for you.
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If you are a male and still reading at this point, something must have resonated at least a little bit. What should you do? Take a brutally honest look at your relationship to sex, money, and social media.Where does fear show up in your life? Are there unhealthy ways in which fear is dragging you down and driving behaviors that you know somewhere deep down are wrong, dead ends, never going to work? How about Love and faith? How can you build out a three-dimensional life in a world that is constantly trying to reduce everything down to a social media post?
Here is a start. Whatever you do, serve others more. Give of yourself to grow your heart a little bit bigger. Take St. Francis at his word when he says from experience, “it is in giving that we receive, and in pardoning we are pardoned.” Go to a homeless shelter to help. Call that friend who is hurting. Find ways to mentor, particularly young men who have no other avenue for help. Service is enlightened self-interest. It will make you feel better than any dopamine hit from social media, or closing the big deal, or engaging in unhealthy sex behaviors which momentarily satisfy your reptilian brain but fail to acknowledge the existence of your soul.
Men please, please find a way to Love more and fear less by whatever means works for you.
Our world is in chaos.
We need all of you.
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I want to thank all who read and lovingly commented on drafts of this piece with such kindness and interest. I especially want to thank Louisa and Jeffrey who were my two amazing editors. Without you two this piece would not be what it has become.
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Men’s Sunday Night Speaker Series
Men: if anything above has moved you even a tiny little bit, I would encourage you to join us on Sunday nights on Zoom for an amazing speaker series aimed at our common search for deeper meaning in our lives.
Please join our Facebook Group now to get information and updates. CLICK TO JOIN.
Last speaker of 2022 – SUNDAY Dec 10th at 8 pm: “How to Practice Law at a Big Firm, Stay Sober, Be a Good Dad, and Loving Husband (or not)”
For men only (women please forward along to men in your life who might be interested).
Series Starts again on 1/8/2023 at 8 PM EST
Our mission:
To be a welcoming and inclusive group for those who identify as male of all races, ethnicity, sexual orientation, nationality, age or belief who are seeking a more meaningful life.
All speakers will address some aspect of living a life based on spiritual principles. All participants are welcome—sober addicts, active addicts, non-addicts, searchers of any variety or simply men interested in hearing the week’s speaker.
We would ask you to adhere to AA’s principle of anonymity. What you hear here and who you see here please let it stay here.
Join Zoom Meeting:
https://us02web.zoom.us/j/9687597534?pwd=WWdIWXpGTXJYcnhvVGJMV2JjSjZJdz09
Meeting ID: 968 759 7534
Passcode: Tom
Every Sunday starting 1/8/23 at 8 EST
Format is 30-minute talk followed by 30-minute audience sharing.
Strict time kept so 1 hour time commitment.
Current information about speakers will be posted on the Facebook Group. Join here.
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“Breathing Underwater” is a gorgeous 5-minute film based on an unpublished poem by Sr. Carol Bieleck, RSCJ.
Breathing Underwater from Eliot Rausch on Vimeo.
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This Post is republished on Medium.
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Photo credit: Unsplash
This article hit home for me. I am married to the man you talk about in this article. I wish that I could share this article, but I know he will be offended and defensive!! That is because this is the absolute Truth!!!!
Tom, Very power and important article. As you may know, I was drawn to the Good Men Project from hearing about your book and recognizing that your journey was similar to my own. I have been writing for GMP from the beginning and sharing my own journey. I have shared a lot of my own story here, beginning with my father’s taking an overdose of drugs when I was five years old and growing up wondering what happened to my father, when it would happen to me, and what I could do to prevent it. Early on, I took on… Read more »
Wow Tom. Your article is so beautiful. Don’t fret about the past too much. Every awful experience, every time someone betrayed you, every drink – got you here. Any you are a magnificent supernova. The thing is – people with addictions to chemicals or processes or porn tend to be sensitive. You did not become addicted to alcohol in a vacuum. Neither did I. There were forces around you, early on, that were telling you needed to alter yourself to be acceptable. I think what toxic American culture has done to men is unforgivable. This is what you grew up under: 1. Be a Real Man 2. Don’t ever cry… Read more »
Tom,
Excellent article. It really touched me on many levels. Keep on doing the loving work of getting the word out to all men. Everyday we have a choice to become closer & closer to the men we wish to be. We are all in this crazy, interesting life together. Choose Love every time with your actions, big & small.
Peace and Love!!