Socialization is an interesting thing. It can have one deny oneself, just to be accepted. Some people see nothing wrong with this, which is problematic. People are socialized to like certain teams, foods and cars. Hell, people are even socialized to like and dislike certain groups of people. Socialization does not have to be explicit either.
Take for instance my journey to discovering my favorite color. I have lied about my favorite color throughout my life. My toenails are pink right now, which is interesting seeing how I used to detest the color pink. At least I think I did. I can’t decide if that was decided for me or not. Pink was not to be a favorite color in my house, at least that was my understanding. But I have it on my nails too. I happen to love pink fingernail polish.
Most of my life I lied about my favorite color, which is not pink by the way. The first time I remember lying about my favorite color was in the first or second grade. I lied and said my favorite color was red. I thought that would make my mother proud. I think a lot of people give in to social expectations to make people proud, or put another way, to ensure they are not a disappointment.
As I write this, I realize that I have been people pleasing from a very young age. When I was younger I hated the idea that someone was mad at me because of something that I had done. This worked well for my parents. This reason alone is why I rarely got into trouble. Not because I loved God so much, not because I didn’t want to do what the other kids were doing, but I simply did not want my parents mad at me. And not because I loved them so much. I just hated the punishment.
The next time I lied about it was when I said my favorite color was purple. It seemed that purple was the favorite color of all of my best friends. I wasn’t committed to any color so I claimed that one as well. I still have my purple trapper keeper I had at that time.
Let’s be clear, no one told me I had to like purple or red. Wanting to be accepted and liked, wanting to make people happy will have you say things you don’t really mean. You’re not being intentionally dishonest either. I always say if I lie to myself, how can I tell you the truth?
Being an individual can be very challenging in adolescent years. For me, it wasn’t that I was so afraid to be different, but I was already very different than my peers, at least that’s how I felt. I grew up in a small city in Wisconsin. I already felt isolated and did not want something as benign as a favorite color to further separate me from my peers.
I do sincerely appreciate how new parents are encouraging their children to be individuals and supporting their different choices. That was not happening for me in the 90’s.
There is one time from my childhood where I feel I had one of those moments. I was also too young to care about what other kids were doing. I remember I was about four years old and my mom was going to the bank. She told me to get dressed. I put on my Wonder Woman costume, cape and all. This was the late 80’s and if I remember correctly the costume was a leotard with leggings. My mom demanded that I changed, but I refused. It was a Saturday and she didn’t have time to fight with me, so I won. I wore my Wonder Woman costume to the bank and on the other errands for the day. I don’t remember how people looked at me, but I remember I was so happy to have dressed myself in that way.
Side note — Parents, don’t worry about your kids looking cool. Let them express themselves. They have the rest of their lives to worry about looking cool.
Like I said, I was four then and didn’t care what my peers were doing. That soon changed.
After all these years I’ve finally told myself the truth about my favorite color. And now I’m telling you my favorite color is green; like leaves on a tree green; like manicured grass green, a deep rich green.
What’s funny is I have always purchased green things. Almost every fall jacket I’ve ever owned was green. Since I’ve been an adult, I’ve had three fall jackets, all of them green. My favorite shirts are green. My favorite pair of pants are green. I even have a green skirt and a green dress. I’ve had green boots and currently have a pair of green sneakers. I may have been lying to myself, but the truth was there the entire time. I wasn’t observing myself, nor was I honoring myself. Those themes of not honoring nor paying attention to myself were constant in my life until I finally learned that lesson. I can give you countless examples of when I didn’t stand in my truth. These examples do not look the way most expect, either. They include committing to a career I wasn’t passionate about so I didn’t offend someone close to me; shrinking and dimming my light when others were intimidated; and just generally playing myself small.
Nowadays I am very in tune with myself. I am honest with myself. I have no idea what I want to do with my legal career. I do not have lofty plans of being a judge one day. I’m not saying that I won’t eventually do that either. I’m casting a wide net. Yep, two years into my career and I am still casting a wide net. I have committed to retiring early. I don’t know if I will actually retire early or retire to entrepreneurship. The thing is, I don’t have to know. Just like I didn’t have to have a favorite color. I don’t have to know what I want to do with my career. I know I will honor myself. I know I will love life and spend time with my loved ones. I know I will take care of me the best I can and ask for help when I need it. I know I can’t live in fear.
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Previously published on Medium.com.
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Photo credit: By Studio Dekorasyon on Unsplash